Yours truly just received her recent lab report and according to their findings I have the same cholesterol as Mario Batalli, the fat chef.
Apparently it’s off the charts, no pun intended.
I am simply beside myself with wonder of how this could be. I am such a healthy creature…slim, fit, neurotic…where could this problem lie?
The technician who phoned asked me what I’ve been eating. Nothing bad, I said, unless of course you count those potato chips at The Carlyle and Ben and Jerry. See, all my problems always stem from a man (or two). It never occurred to me that a few chips and a coupla quarts here and there could make such a radical difference.
And to think I didn’t even tell her about the Hershey Kisses under my bed, for those emergency late night snacks.
I was told to clean up my act ASAP. What really annoyed me was knowing how fat this woman is who’s giving me diet tips. I’d like to see her LDL, if you could find it.
OOPS…my tolerance light just flashed on.
So off I went to Whole Foods, the Tiffany of produce, and went into debt. My Visa card screamed when the cashier put it through. I had just paid it off too.
What did I buy?
Enough walnuts, salmon and olive oil to last till my next annual check-up. I’m always amazed how much organic food and pure incidentals cost.
Oreos are so much cheaper.
All of my friends are aghast at this news since I’m supposed to be the poster child for optimal health. Hey, I’m human like everybody else and you forget, it was the holidays. Alright, so my blood work was done on December 18th… I fell off the wagon early…so shoot me.
It won’t be easy but I’ll confess.
It started with Stacy’s Pita Chips. I was misled thinking they were healthy little dears I could smear Organic Valley Cream Cheese on. Of course the next morning when I couldn’t get into my sneakers I knew something was very wrong. Seems they have more salt than the Atlantic. I know, I should have checked the label, but I trusted Stacy. She said right there on the bag how good they were for you. What a bitch. Anything for a sale, huh Stace?
So I’m on culinary probation released on my own recognizance. I have a hearing back at the doctors (who’s not saying much) in 6 weeks. That’s when I’ll be sentenced. If I can bring my ratio down naturally he won’t put me on medication.
Hmm…well I’ll show him.
I have to go now. My gluten-free, organic oatmeal with its 3 walnuts, 4 almonds and half a banana is ready.
Ben and Jerry left this morning.
We all cried.