Well!
Yours truly just received her recent lab report and according to their findings I have the same cholesterol as Mario Batalli, the fat chef.
Apparently it’s off the charts, no pun intended.
I am simply beside myself with wonder of how this could be. I am such a healthy creature…slim, fit, neurotic…where could this problem lie?
The technician who phoned asked me what I’ve been eating. Nothing bad, I said, unless of course you count those potato chips at The Carlyle and Ben and Jerry. See, all my problems always stem from a man (or two). It never occurred to me that a few chips and a coupla quarts here and there could make such a radical difference.
WRONG!
And to think I didn’t even tell her about the Hershey Kisses under my bed, for those emergency late night snacks.
I was told to clean up my act ASAP. What really annoyed me was knowing how fat this woman is who’s giving me diet tips. I’d like to see her LDL, if you could find it.
OOPS…my tolerance light just flashed on.
So off I went to Whole Foods, the Tiffany of produce, and went into debt. My Visa card screamed when the cashier put it through. I had just paid it off too.
What did I buy?
Enough walnuts, salmon and olive oil to last till my next annual check-up. I’m always amazed how much organic food and pure incidentals cost.
Oreos are so much cheaper.
All of my friends are aghast at this news since I’m supposed to be the poster child for optimal health. Hey, I’m human like everybody else and you forget, it was the holidays. Alright, so my blood work was done on December 18th… I fell off the wagon early…so shoot me.
It won’t be easy but I’ll confess.
It started with Stacy’s Pita Chips. I was misled thinking they were healthy little dears I could smear Organic Valley Cream Cheese on. Of course the next morning when I couldn’t get into my sneakers I knew something was very wrong. Seems they have more salt than the Atlantic. I know, I should have checked the label, but I trusted Stacy. She said right there on the bag how good they were for you. What a bitch. Anything for a sale, huh Stace?
So I’m on culinary probation released on my own recognizance. I have a hearing back at the doctors (who’s not saying much) in 6 weeks. That’s when I’ll be sentenced. If I can bring my ratio down naturally he won’t put me on medication.
Hmm…well I’ll show him.
I have to go now. My gluten-free, organic oatmeal with its 3 walnuts, 4 almonds and half a banana is ready.
Ben and Jerry left this morning.
We all cried.
SB
This may make you feel better. Did you know that people of Italian descent or Mediterranean descent are naturally prone to high cholesterol? It’s genetic. My mother, who eats healthier than anyone I know on this planet, has a cholesterol issue. My father, who would eat donut sandwiches did not. She says it’s the price she has to pay for her beautiful skin. You could say that too.
I saw Ben & Jerry sitting at your curb waiting for a second chance..they were still crying.
I’m laughing so hard at the image of Ben and Jerry on the curb. I didn’t know that about Italians so I guess I owe Mario Batalli an apology…
Hahaha! Well, I was laughing at them leaving your place after a big group hug.
You’ll have to look it up. I forget what the reasoning behind it is, but it is in the heritage.
It’s always something, isn’t it? The donut sandwich line got lots of play…By the way, have you read Sedaris’s Jesus Shaves yet in Holidays on Ice? It’s my favorite next to the elf piece. Meant to ask you
Don’t worry about Ben and Jerry. I picked them up and took them home with me. Where are my statins?
That really made me laugh. Well at least I know where they are
Donut sandwiches…amazing
Doesn’t it make you want one? A glazed on rye…peanut butter and jelly…:)
I have the same problem. Need to have mine rechecked soon. A lot of it is genetic and the way the liver processes fat. I am also thin and exercise daily (and am also of Italian descent, thank you to the prior poster).
gmg
I’m sorry that you too have issues. It’s a bitch when you think about it. All that running I do and I’m sure you’re equally as active. Genetics…yes. My parents are both dead so I can’t ask them but guaranteed, the way they ate and drank their numbers were no doubt legendary.
Could be genetic but also could be stress related. Diet is only part of the equation. Cattle only eat grass but look at the amount of cholesterol there is in butter and beefsteak. Do NOT start stressing about your diet!
That ship’s sailed there Matey. I’m eating like the Amish…next I’ll be into barn raising.
Are you taking up autoflagellation too? Go easy on yourself.
(p.s. I don’t think the bonnet will suit you!)
I need to go shopping..that will make things better…who knows, maybe a new pair of shoes will lower it..:)
I had also a few issues with high Cholesterol(370+ in the past) and I started to take some natural aid you can find here in Japan made with a small shell-fish they call Shijimi (Freshwater clam. シジミ。Cyrenoidea (Corbicula)) It truly work and if you are able to find that I can assure you you will have a nice cholesterol in less than a month after taking. They do pills with a concentrate and I would be glad to look up the information for you. (I live in Japan so would be no problem)
Wow, would you really do that for me? I’ve never heard of Shijimi before. I can’t tell you how freaked out I am about that report. Need to calm down. I’m certain stressing over it will make it even higher.
Thanks so much for your concern and info.
It worked for me and sent down mine under 130…
130? Now that’s like fighter’s weight.
I only didn’t like much the smell of it but I rather took them than the heart attack my doctor was always warning me. They worked out the miracle on me and now a days I usually eat them fresh on miso soup, if you search for Shijimi you will find recipe and more…
I like miso soup…it’s the all time healer. I’m looking into this secret Shijimi business.
I have had the same cholesterol number for 15 years. 206. Yes, it is high but hey it doesn’t go up–or down–so I say it is my “normal”. Works for me.
I hope I can get it down to 206. It’s much higher than that. Need to eat more fish, like Teddy…need to drop him a line. He’s been recommending me to people, that little sweet boy. There’s a salmon in his immediate future
I like the “more salt than the Atlantic.”
Hope you get it under control!
It will bother me if I don’t. Of course I’m wondering if it’s just genetic unbeknownst to me. I hate medication of any kind so this would be unfortunate. Thanks Dame.
You are entertaining even when writing about high cholesterol. Mine is high right now too. I’m trying to lower it with a very healthful diet and more exercise. I did that once before. Then I got sloppy. It was probably the toffee. I agree about medication. Too many side effects with statin drugs. I’ve already told my doctor I have no plans to take them. She didn’t argue. I have a feeling she wouldn’t take them either.
Women are smart. We don’t just down a pill because someone says we should. Men on the other hand will take anything.