We open with preparations for Lady Edith’s shotgun wedding. I imagine she’s not taking any chances in letting Sir Anthony get away. She should have put one of those electric dog collars on him where if he strayed too far he’d get zapped.

We see her peering over the banister all agog as Maggie Smith makes her grand entrance.

“Isn’t it exciting Granny?” Edith bubbles to her.

“At my age one must ration one’s excitement,” she drolly chirps.”

I always notice how much padding they put on Maggie which is why she tends to lumber like a wheeled in steamer trunk. Despite all that added weight, she still never fails to steal the show even as a no-show on The Golden Globes…and yes, a congratulations is in order.

Since that homing pigeon, I mean Shirley, didn’t take the bait and bail out Downton it will now be put up for sale. Cora, the all time good sport, has arranged a picnic at what looks to be their new home they plan to call Downton Place. She’s actually charmed by it while the Earl thinks it’s much too small. “We won’t need more thon a stoff of 8,” he laments.

What a pompous poop he is, and if a guy lost all my money he’d be sleeping in the garage.

No news yet on Mrs. Hughe’s biopsy but Carson has finally picked up the scent that something is up that only took 2 episodes. He ambushes Doctor Clarkson into telling him what he already fears. “So it is conca,” he solemnly says when for all he knows it could have been a hangnail. “I’m not sure either way,” the doctor says. Hey, what ever happened to doctor/patient confidentiality? Mrs. Hughes should sue the schmuck or at least yank that fake mustache of his (it looks fake).

Evil Thomas tells Molesley that there may be an opening at Downton since O’Brien is leaving as Lady Grantham’s maid. So he, the big chooch, marches into the drawing room to ask if his cousin could be considered. Cora is shocked to hear O’Brien is quitting while the Earl and Mary both say they would not be too sad to see the bitch go. Nice to be liked where one works, isn’t it?

When O’Brien finds out what Molesley told Milady she decides to kill him but then realizes Thomas is behind it. Uh-oh! Imagine telling the devil’s employer he’s quitting when he’s really not. All bets are now off in the kitchen and pantry area.

Mary, despite all the sex they’re having, hates Matthew since he’s still adamant about giving away Reggie’s money…but after receiving a letter Reggie wrote, it seems Lavinia let him off the hook by telling her father how selfless he was to marry her when he still loved Mary. Now if that were my father he wouldn’t have legs, but Reggie found this act chivalrous and basically said, I’m making you my heir anyway.

“Dun’t you see Motthew,” croons Mary “you con now take the mun-ey and give it to Pa-pa?” Matthew then accuses Mary of writing the letter herself before flinging himself onto the bed looking like Father Knows Best in his blue silk bathrobe. It would mean Lavinia wrote a letter on the day she died which seems highly improbable since, you know, she was dying? But we all forget, at Downton anything is possible especially in the span of one hour.

Mary then runs to the kitchen to see if any of the servants might have posted a letter for Lavinia causing a collective shrug until Daisy, looking like Bambi in an apron, pipes in with, “Yeh, ah did…that pa gol, I still think a-hah.” Mrs Hughes and her lump are beside themselves. “Didn’t you think to tell me Daisy?” Then doing her best Rainman imitation Daisy says, “Tell ya wha?”

Mary is about to pop right out of her frock as she rushes to tell Matthew the good news. “Alright, I’m convinced,” he says, “but we mustn’t say anything till after the wedding so not to steal Edith’s thunda.”

Well, that thunda is barely a clap after Sir Anthony’s conscience acts up at the altar  announcing that he can’t go through with it. “I con’t do this to you,” he says to Edith who to her credit doesn’t faint or kick him in the nuts. The Earl who just two scenes earlier said the wedding was a travesty snaps,”It is far too late for this Anthony.”

Make up your mind Earl. Are you in or out? Then Maggie, who jumps from her pew like Nadia Commenicci (such agility) says, “Let him go, let him go…you know he’s right. Don’t drag it out.”

Don’t drag it out? He’s humiliating her in front of the whole village for Christ’s sake. Doesn’t she have any cousins that can take him out back and kick the shit out of him?

“Goodbye my dearest dahling,” Anthony mumbles before swishing down the aisle in the wrong direction. Yes, Sir Anthony was gay…they weren’t fooling me. A straight man doesn’t have slings in assorted colors.

Cora says to a weeping Edith, “You are being tested and being tested only makes you stronger.” Will you shut the fuck up Cora and get your daughter a drink for God’s sake! Tested? She’s the biggest loser in the family. If she was tested anymore she’d be Joan of Arc.

Edith then demotes herself to spinster resolving to be one the rest of her days.

PA-LEASE!

Cora, during dinner, tells Carson she doesn’t want Edith to see any of the wedding food.

“Don’t worry Milady, I’ve made arrangements to give it all to the poor.” Maggie chimes in with, “If the poor don’t want it, you can bring it over to me.” Seems the Dowager Countess  can’t even part with a Brussel sprout.

We end Episode 2 with Matthew telling the Earl, Downton will be saved after all who says, ‘No, no, my dear boy, I con’t let you give me your mun-ey but, when do you think you’ll have the check?”

Episode 3 opens with Ethel, the former oversexed maid, who shows up after Isobel spots her in a doorway turning postprandial tricks She’s decided she should give her son Chah-ley to his grandparents so he can go to Oxford like Mr. Matthew. I mean, couldn’t we lower the bar just a tad? What’s wrong with The Winston Churchill School For the Performing Arts? In any event, Mrs. Hughes, who blames herself for Ethel getting pregnant to begin with, writes the letter that brings Mr. and Mrs. Bryant to collect Chah-ley.

All I can say is, that grandfather needs a good smack. He’s so mean to Ethel who The Earl could easily add to the payroll so she doesn’t have to turn tricks anymore, unless of course it’s to pull a rabbit out of her hat. There’s so much cash floating around Downton. You would think the Republicans were in charge the way things are going.

Then Tom the chauffeur arrives drenched after running away from the scene of a crime leaving a pregnant Sybil to fend for herself. The Earl, when he hears this, is about to pop an arterie. Cora makes him go to the Home Secretary in London to get Tom off the most wanted list but not before he goes bananas on him. I hadn’t seen him that mad since Thomas lost his dress shirts. Sybil, who’s gained 200 pounds since last week, shows up still standing by her man…well sitting by him since she looks as if she might tip over…and announces the baby will be born at Downton, not in Dublin after all.

We now have a new cute footman named Jimmy who everyone including Thomas is smitten over. Alfred got very upset when Jimmy was allowed to carry up the ham instead of the vegetables. The race for First Footman is on. Carson surprisingly prefers Alfred who now can identify 18 different types of spoons; cutlery…apparently that’s what separates the men from the boys or at least the First Footman from the Second.

Now that Matthew is part owner of Downton they can finally afford another kitchen maid promoting Daisy to Mrs. Patmore’s assistant. When pretty Ivy shows up catching Alfred’s eye Daisy suddenly couldn’t give a shit about her new title. Be careful what you wish for there Daisy. “Wha?”

Mrs. Hughes does not have conca after all. It was only a cyst relieving everyone, especially Carson, who we hear singing show tunes while polishing silver. Is a little romance brewing in the kitchen I wonder?

Anna is in a swoon since Bates hasn’t written in weeks and her visits to him have been mysteriously stopped. She thinks he’s trying to get her to move on without him. Where’s the trust here Anna, I mean really. Use your head.

Come to find out, Bates is being blackballed by some ghoulish guard but after the tables turn, he gets his letters and Anna receives hers. We then have dueling bed scenes with both Bates weeping for joy…one in a bunk bed, the other an IKEA twin…UGH!

On a lighter note Mrs. Hughes buys an electric toaster and almost burns down the house.

Edith writes a letter to the London Times demanding for women to get the vote in England same as America causing the Earl’s ulcer to return. This is after Maggie told her to stop whining and to just do something. I guess Granny, who also disapproves, should have been a bit more specific. You know, Edith, after being dumped at that altar, could use a little support. I’m just saying.

Matthew thinks Mary might be pregnant but it turns out she was only choosing wallpaper. You can see how one could be mistaken for the other. Makes you wonder if Isobel dropped him on his head as a baby.

All I can know is, the Granthams and Crawleys all could sure use a hobby.

Embroidery…or taxidermy maybe…they could stuff all those birds they casually kill.

Speaking of birds…Mrs. Bird, Isobel’s cook, was very rude to Ethel when she came a’callin. “I don’t have to deal with the likes a her,” she tells Isobel. What’s wrong with helping out a prostitute once in a while. I mean, hookers are people too after all.

Embroider that on a pillow Mrs. Bird.

SB