I am here pinning black crepe along all the windows. Not since Lincoln’s assassination have I been this upset (it’s relived). Sorry Abe, but I can’t believe that Matthew…handsome, sexy, stupid Matthew has been run off the road, so to speak.

Goddammit Julian, why didn’t you give him that raise! Of course this is about money. Dan Stevens, the vain, mercenary actor who plays him, or played him (sniff sniff) must have asked for too much money. Julian, instead of paying up, brutally kills him in a car accident after becoming a dad no less left by the side of the road like a smashed Ken doll.

It was so HBO.

That one sluice of fake blood trickling down his fat, little cheek was just too much…and did his eyes really need to be open you sick sonovabitch. Yes, I’m addressing you Julian. You’ve left us with an indelible image never to be forgotten. Every new father from here on in with be taking the bus from the hospital if their wives have anything to say about it.

And he was so hoppy, seeing his newborn son and heir nursing in his mother’s skinny arms (heard she does push-ups in between takes). It was like a Hallmark commercial with cheesier dialogue, if that’s possible. Of course it is, it’s British television.

Mary, who during most of the episode I had no sympathy for, her bitchiness resurrected from Season 1…alright, she was hormonally challenged, but still…has no idea that her husband will not be back next year. Not only that, but who’s going to help her change all those dirty nappies? You know Matthew was dumb enough to sleep beside that crib so Ma-dy can get her beauty rest. So now what?

Anna, as you recall, has moved to a cottage in the forest so she won’t be around evenings like when Bates was still locked up. I suggested he stay in jail, but did anyone listen to me?

So who’s left…Maggie, Isobel? Maggie can barely walk let alone push a pram and Isobel will be mourning her son. You watch, this will flip her switch from insufferable Suffragette to crazy woman.

Who said Edith? I don’t think so, not since she’s decided to have an affair with her married editor. Normally I’d not recommend that sort of thing, but in her case I’d recommend anything…a cow if it were willing. To her credit, she did attempt to be outraged when he didn’t tell her right away, but when she hears his wife lives in an insane asylum, she reconsiders.

An insane asylum, really…If I had a nickle for every time I heard that one. Listen, I think it’s going to do her a world of good especially now that Mary’s a widow.

For once Edith can gloat.

No more pastel frocks and frivolous evenings doncing with her beloved. Now Lady Ma-dy will have to wear black all the time with that baby soldered to her chest like a Downton heirloom, pun intended. That’s what you get for being mean Mar. Of course, you know her libido will have the last say, but I wonder with who.

Carson, but of course. Not as a lover…pay attention will you? As a nanny. He can sleep by the crib. Glad that’s settled. Good help, as we all know, is so hard to find.

I’d like to celebrate Thomas’s new promotion as under-butler and Jimmy’s as First-footman, but I’m too despaired over Matthew. To be quite honest, I wish it was O’Brien decapitated on that road. I guess her demands were reasonable. All she asked for was a new broomstick and a fridge for her dressing room.

Thomas and Jimmy, after Thomas took a beating on his behalf, have now broken bread. Well, it’s the least Jimmy could do after Thomas broke his nose defending him. Honestly, love can really cost you. He just should have let that little shit get robbed, but alas, I wasn’t the writer.

The whole Scotland storyline is so boring I have nothing to say. Who gives a shit about anybody called Shrimpie.

The only good thing that came out of Matthew’s demise is that I now have an excuse to drink all afternoon.

We shall await Season 4.

Bottoms up.

SB