If you need a reminder of why you don’t date, all you need is to go on one. The reasons you prefer a book blink like neon.
Sammy Sleaze, I’ll call him, is a pal of a pal of mine who may cease being one. Did M think I was so desperate for male companionship I’d find one of the biggest idiots on the planet alluring?
I guess so…and I’ve said this before…blind dates were meant for the blind.
First of all, he was dressed like an undertaker or a very unsuccessful bookie, take your pick. His suit was inky black and ill fitted, as though it were inherited from an old uncle whose balls had separated due to irreconcilable differences. Had one word for Sam…TAILOR. I hate when a man’s pant leg billows in the breeze as though he were wearing sails.
Also, a suit, even one like that, should come with a tie. That open collar with his curly chest hairs peeking out Bob Guccione style, gave me the wrong kind of chill.
Alright, I’m an aesthetic snob, but give me a break. He was like a bad Tony Danza, who can at least tap dance if things get a little dull.
He wasn’t cheap. I’ll say that for him, not when he asked the waiter to leave the bottle of Chevis on the table.
Remember the part in The Godfather when Michael shoots the grease ball who shot the Don?
When he said, “Go ahead doll, order whatever ya want…you look like you could use a meal,” that’s when I excused myself to go to the ladies room. Entering, I couldn’t help it, I looked for that gun Clemenza would have planted behind the toilet, out of sheer sentiment, calling Camille from the stall.
“Can’t you tell him you’re sick? Say you caught it from me, then give him my number.”
“Camille, trust me when I say, he’s not your type.”
“And your point is? He’s dinner and a bottle of scotch.”
“I have to go…he’ll think I fell in.”
“Throw hot water on your forehead, so it looks like you’re sweating, then get your dinner to go.”
When I came back Mr. Sleazy was chatting up another girl. I so wanted to back out of the room quietly, but alas, he saw me.
“So doll, you okay? Was gettin worried…me and Ginny here were just exchanging stock tips.” (What, regular Trogans verses Big Boys in bulk?)
“Well, don’t let me stop you. You know, I am feeling a little under the weather…maybe I should just go on home.”
“But here comes your scampi…you wouldn’t want it to go to waste now would’ja doll?”
“Of course not, I’ll just take it with me.”
Did Ginny just wink or is that my fever taking hold