I’m getting a little sick of being asked if I’d like a bag whenever I buy something. I’m tempted to say,
“No thanks, I’ll just balance it all on my nose, you know, like a seal.”
I embrace the whole recycling revolution, believe me I do, but sometimes a woman needs a bag and that’s that.
I like approval same as anybody but I’m not carrying my eggs home without one. Do I look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm to you?
You don’t know what I look like?
Well whose fault is that?
We all in our own way try to protect the planet with me being a willing participant. I just feel it’s very personal and don’t appreciate when someone legislates how I should do that. I don’t want to be judged because I don’t always go paperless for instance. Have you ever read The Times on line? It can give you a migraine and trust me, if I’m in a bad mood that doesn’t help the planet either.
One friend wants me to get a special nozzle for my faucet.
“Then you never have to buy bottled water again Susannah.”
Another one insists I carry around my own little thermos so if I have to go to Starbucks, that satanic Venti Macchiato anti-tree establishment, the least I can do is not waste a cup, “for heaven’s sake Susannah.”
My favorite one is when you say yes, I would like a bag and they look at you as if you’ve just slashed a sequoia.
“Susannah, why can’t you carry your own bag, a tote you can fold up?”
“Because it won’t fit in my Gucci clutch, that’s why.”
Global Warming concerns me tremendously. I’m worried about the Polar Bears too. I’ve actually adopted 6 through the World Wildlife Federation. What that entails I’m not too sure. Perhaps they’re learning a trade because of me or now have central air and yes, I jest and those pictures of them clasping what looks like a giant ice cube are very upsetting so out comes my checkbook every time.
I happen to give away lots of money, happily I might add, not that it’s anyone’s business.
I just purchased Christmas cards on recycled paper, all my credit cards have organizations on them (except Am Ex and Saks) not frequent flier miles that, let’s face it, a girl could always use. I bring my hangers and safety pins back to the cleaners instead of throwing them out. I DON’T WEAR FUR.
I do my part.
“Why Susannah, you seem very resentful making these sacrifices.”
“What are you gunning for exactly, a kidney? Wait, while I get it for you.”
Environmentalists are becoming like the Catholic church, nothing is ever enough.
I can’t walk out of my house without Greenpeace assaulting me. Wildlife calls me at home, something I hate, at least once a week requesting to speak to Mrs. Binaca. If you want my money get my name right. My mailbox is stuffed with requests for money, it doesn’t matter how much I’ve already given and while we’re on the subject, what about those trees? Did they give up their lives so you and I can get that colorful brochure? I’m just asking since I just saw a slew of ‘weeping willows’ at a recruiting office getting weighed.
“Don’t you care about the planet Susannah?”
“Yes, I do, and I’d care a lot more if you were no longer on it. I’m sorry, that wasn’t nice,
BUT COULD I PLEASE JUST HAVE A BAG?”