Decking The Halls

I know I was bitching a couple of weeks ago that Christmas had come too early (post 11/17) but since it’s now legitimately arrived, so have I.

I’ve even put up my little Christmas tree my friend Alex had given me last year. It’s only 3 inches tall and made of paper but it sure is pretty. No, Alex is not cheap, it was a card he sent that was actually quite lavish that I, the vigilant environmentalist that I am, recycled.

“Yeah but Susannah, come on, can’t you do a little better than that?”

“No, and I like it. So what if it’s modest.”

“Modest, does it even have a star at the top?”

“As a matter of fact it does. It is a little bent though from being in my lingerie drawer. I think one of my underwires may have tampered with it. You know how wild those push-up bras can be?”

“Have you done any shopping or shouldn’t we ask?”

“Is that tone necessary? Yes I’ve been shopping, again modestly since I’m not a big fan of  the shoulds”

“Can’t wait to hear this.”

“I’m just not into ‘gun to your head’ giving, that’s all. Take my housekeeper for instance, according to proper etiquette I’m expected to give her an extra week’s salary for Christmas. It doesn’t matter if she’s an atheist, that’s the expectation on her end.”

“But Ebenezer, we thought you liked Consuela?”

“Well, not so much lately. She’s kind of slipping especially in the Swiffing departing. She just can’t get the hang of it; that stringy mop of hers that I’m constantly having to replace due to its fumes. She love ammonia. Sometimes I think she’s trying to kill me.”

“Will you still give her the extra cash?”

“What do you think? Of course I will, but I won’t be happy about it and that’s what I mean. Giving needs to come from the heart. Now take Angelina Hollywood the girl who does my nails, I can’t wait to shove money in her envelope and I’m adding a Barnes & Noble gift card since she’s taken up reading. Apparently they have an extensive Mexican section.”

“Don’t you mean Spanish?”

“Whatever.

The other thing I take issue with are crummy, gratuitous gifts. Like if you can’t be thoughtful and bring me something that you know I have a ball park chance of liking, what’s the point?”

“What happened to the humble Susannah we all know and attempt to love?”

“She’s being honest for a change and I have to say it’s refreshing. I mean why would you think giving me an old brick of marzipan that’s been above the sink since your 9th class junket to Greece 8 years ago is something that I’d enjoy? I mean really! And what could I say in my thank you note? I just love my new doorstopper? What else could I do with it? Even if I chose to eat it I’d break a tooth. Now the bitch is costing me money.”

“How much coffee have you had?”

“Not enough and the minute the clock strikes noon I’m switching to mimosas.”

“Thanks for sharing that.”

“Now, when I buy something for someone I put a lot of thought behind it. I make a list…

“Do you check it twice?”

“Shut-up.

I decide first how much I want to spend…

“How much could gum cost?”

I’m ignoring that. Then I compile choices after contemplating the recipient’s taste. It’s a very good system; thoughtful efficiency is a huge time saver.”

“Are you working for Good Housekeeping now? You sound like a poor man’s Martha Stewart.”

“I beg your pardon? I’d leave Martha in the dust I’ll have you know. I’m a natural whiz at shopping, planning, even wrapping.”

“You wrap?”

“Not personally. I only shop at stores that do. Hey, I’m good at other things. This blog for instance takes up a lot of my time just to keep you boys happy.”

“Hey, what about me?”

“And girls. Must you be so literal?”

“Look who’s talking?”

“I’m also sending out Wildlife Christmas cards that are very special. I mean, wouldn’t you like a polar bear ice skating to show up in your mailbox? I even have wreath stickers to put on the envelope.”

“Wow Susannah, you are just the epitome of Yuletide Joy.”

“I am, I am. I was even thinking of getting one of those fake logs to light on Christmas Eve to gaze at as I’m sipping my spiked eggnog. What do you think about that?”

“Do you have a fireplace?”

“No.”

“So where would you put it then?”

“Hmm, good question. Maybe I’ll just Google the yule log on my computer. That’s probably safer anyway.”

“A paper tree, a looped yule log, Susannah, it sounds like you are going to have one Merry Christmas.”

“I am, I am.”

SB

About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
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5 Responses to Decking The Halls

  1. D. D. Syrdal says:

    I hope you can persuade Consuela to give up the string mop for the Swiffer 🙂 Merry Christmas (look, I actually said it!)

    Like

  2. Ted Jonathan says:

    Tis the season, Susannah! I do believe marketing 3″ trees would be successful enterprise.

    Like

  3. Alex says:

    Spiked eggnog and my Fireplace DVD (complete with authentic crackling sounds of the fireplace), makes the whole stuffing envelopes full of cash I can’t afford to give away, a little easier to swallow. Happy Holidays

    Like

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