I don’t normally watch TV but this year I was on the SAG Nominating Committee so I went to my neighbor Trudy’s house to see the awards. I’m pretty sure no one I picked won since I remember filling out my ballot in a cab without my glasses.
I was angry Uggie, The Jack Russell from The Artist didn’t get a best actor nomination. With so much talent not to mention comedic timing I just don’t get it. So what if he’s a dog, I think Uggie may have a discrimination case here. He should round up a bunch of his pals and picket The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I mean he was so much better than George Clooney in The Descendants. I’m sorry, I hated that film. I wanted to kill myself at the end of it. What I’d like to know is, did the actress in the coma get a contract? I hope they didn’t corral some poor extra who they gave a 20 dollar bump to be comatose for 3 months. You know those little independents, they always want you to work for donuts, prestige and bus fare.
“We thought you loved Clooney?”
“I do, just not in a Hawaiian shirt and sandals with bratty kids and a wife who’s unconscious for an hour and half. I like when he’s hot and handsome and even a little funny but the dowdy, my land is your land thing eludes me.”
I’m glad Jean Dujardin won Best Actor for The Artist. If it couldn’t be Uggie then he was the next best thing and is he sexy or what? I’ve been humming The Marseillaise all morning so move over George. It’s a pity we couldn’t bottle Jean’s charisma plus he seems genuinely thrilled being the recipient of so much attention, unlike Clooney who looks bored.
“You’re very down on George Susannah.”
“I’m merely being honest. Between changing women like socks and making 50 films a year, he’s getting jaded. He needs a hobby or a perfume ad.”
Trudy, who fell asleep the minute the music went on, said after she saw The Artist, Jean Dujardin makes her want to keep her diaphragm in at all times. I thought she meant her stomach muscles not her that should be bronzed and kept on the mantle.
It’s too bad Brad Pitt’s performance in Moneyball had to slip through the cracks. He was a whole lot better than Clooney and just as good as Dujardin, although their performances were like apples and oranges.
That’s the trouble with award shows, how can you really narrow it down to who’s the best?
I loved The Help’ and glad both Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer won and they sure looked pretty in their gowns. Viola especially in a white and gold strapless number. I also like how excited they looked unlike the girls who go all the time. They’re shoe-ins for taking home Oscars so remember, you heard it here first.
Wasn’t it nice to see Meryl Streep lose? I think she was happy about it too. I mean why else wear such an ugly dress? I mean it, read between the lines. I’m wearing this hideous, blue-gray circus tent so you’ll leave me the fuck alone. It would have been nice though if she had won to hear her say, SINK-EM in her acceptance speech. Don’t misunderstand, I love Meryl when she’s Meryl like in the film It’s Complicated’when for once she sounded normal.
I never realized how much I hated The Iron Lady until I saw the screener in my mailbox that all Sag members received. I thought, oh no, here it is again, old-age. Why our society gets off on the weakness of others, in this case Margaret Thatcher’s advancing age, is beyond me. Everybody gets old, not just a prime minister that apparently nobody liked.
Now Glenn Close looked great in a black, Gone With The Wind Zac Posen gown. Glenn and I both knew she wouldn’t win but she came anyway, I mean, what the hell, go for the shrimp I say.
Alec Baldwin won again for 30 Rock. I think they’re afraid not to give it to him. He might go on a rampage and wreck the joint. He looked chubby but cute, like a bear in a tux.
Let’s hear it for Betty White who won for best actress in a comedy. I want to know what vitamins Betty takes. She’s the only Golden Girl left standing and look at her; knocked Tina Fey right outta first place.
I was surprised about Jessica Lange who I was under the impression joined a convent. Where did I read that? Oh, now I remember, it was in the check-out line at The Food Emporium. It was right next to the headline, Men Give Birth.
I thought Kristen Wiig looked like she grabbed the wrong dress by mistake and what’s with the dog collar? I have one word for you Kristen, tailor.
I did love her and the rest of the gassy group in Bridesmaids. It certainly will take your mind off of things like Hilary abdicating and the Republicans insulting one another. I don’t know about you but I hunt for distraction. Newt’s hair just isn’t enough.
Angelina of course looked amazing, but doesn’t she get tired of being perfect? Can’t she fake a zit or limp a little on the red carpet?
I know what I wanted to ask you, is there such a thing as decreasing one’s lips? I’m rather sick of her if you must know, and she’s why no one takes Brad seriously as an actor anymore. They think he’s Angelina whipped. Oh I heard that collective masculine sigh. You know what my grandmother used to say, turn any girl over and you’ll see they’re all alike (It sounds even better in Italian).
How bout poor Shailene Woodley from The Descendants’who needs a mirror more than an award. That Hawaiian shirt that got out of hand gave me a headache. She must have still been in character when she went shopping, but you know kids, they think they know everything so there was no way she was listening to her mother or Valentino.
I heard that Donald Trump was supposed to be one of the presenters but couldn’t do a thing with his hair. He should have just left it in New York and hopped a plane.
Kevin Bacon, beneath those bullet proof sunglasses, looked like he was selling drugs in the parking lot. No wonder wife, Kyra Sedgwick, seemed to want nothing to do with him.
And let’s hear it for brevity where Mary Tyler More is concerned when she received her Lifetime Achievement Award from TV husband Dick Van Dyke. She got off so fast it was as though she had that hair appointment she clearly missed earlier, but I think that’s smart; always leave them wanting more.
Trudy finally woke up when the credits began to roll.
When she asked me who won, I told her Uggie for Best Actor.
She was so happy.