Depth of Feeling

I was awed and delighted at some of the comments inspired from yesterday’s post (Geisha For Hire). My selfless viewpoint seemed to have hit quite a few nerves.

I feel compelled to say a little more on the subject since I think it might have been fleshed out a tad better so allow me to do it now.

First of all, without going into too much abject detail I’ve suffered quite a few losses in my life. Most of you know about Bill Hicks but I also lost 2 of my dearest friends that left what appears to be a terminal void. The reason I bring this up is because loss made the stakes higher, at least for me anyway.

One woman was in a terrible marriage the other a great one but what they had in common besides me was, they were the most loving women on the planet and despite the pain it may have caused them along the way they were very happy people;

heroes to me – shining examples.

Jackie, who died of lung cancer, the last time I saw her said to me, “Live your life in joy; find it Susannah, no matter what. Be kind to the world and see how well it reciprocates.”

You see, I really believe that’s true especially in one’s personal life.

I was taken to lunch recently by a guy I’ve known for 25 years. He’s my money man which is pretty funny since I really haven’t any money but he benevolently watches over my modest IRA even though I have no business being in his elite client pool.

Why does he do it then?

He’s just a very nice man.

Anyway, one of the main topics over veal and risotto (he had the veal) was me not having a fella. He said things like, “What’s wrong with just finding someone to have a little dinner with – someone who can make things easier and pleasanter for you. There are a million men out there Susannah who would love to be with you. You need to give them a chance.”

It felt kinda like a quiz show he wanted me to go on.

The simple fact is…

I don’t negotiate where love and affection is concerned. If I can’t feel something that I know without a shadow of a doubt has a real shot, then I have no interest. I know women, especially at my age, cut deals all the time.

Trudy has Mel who lives in Wyoming who invites her to travel with him. She gets to stay at the best hotels, have expensive massages and facials, shop all courtesy of his Platinum Am. Ex. card. He gets company and a weekend of insignificant sex and both parties return to their neutral corners sated and satisfied – so they say.

I know Trudy flatlines every time she comes back like she was on an acid trip.

Why?

Because it’s 1 ply, that’s why. Where’s the love? Taking without giving, though it’s an art she says, is pretty empty business.

The word that comes to mind is hollow.

Camille, who thinks she’s so smart, has a married, Brazilian investment banker she sees whenever he’s in town. He wines and dines her; they attend theater. He gives her everything money can buy then he leaves. She does nothing except show up and look nice. Half the time they don’t even sleep together.

It’s a great deal, she tells me.

Is that why she drinks a little too much for a couple of weeks after he leaves?

What both of these examples lack are ‘Depth of Feeling.’

I loved Bill Hicks. When he’d walk in a room I thought my heart would fly from my chest. I know what that feeling is and I can tell you, it’s worth holding out for.

“Yeah but Susannah, a Bill Hicks doesn’t come around all that often.”

“No one knows that better than me, but I’d rather be alone than not care deeply for someone whose laundry I really want to do. Taking care of a man you love is such a grace. I don’t want a lukewarm relationship just because I’ll get a dinner out of it and a little small talk.

You know why it’s called small talk?

Because it’s small.

Go ahead, you can all throw tomatoes at the screen, I totally understand.

I’ve had other love affairs that brought me to a place where I wanted a nest to decorate.    They sadly didn’t pan out but I gave them my all.

I ended up leaving someone because he didn’t treat me very well. He used to say I was too kind for my own good. It might have been the nicest thing he ever said to me actually.

The point I’m making, life is too short to settle.

It’s also too short to play games.

A fellow blogger just the other day suffered a tremendous loss when a neighbor of his, during a routine operation, died on the table. The reason I bring it up is this woman apparently had a great guy and was at the height of happiness in her life when this terrible thing happened. What if she had settled? That for me would have made it all the more tragic.

I want to love down to my socks. I want to go to the store and shop just to come home and spend the whole afternoon making the best damned dinner for someone I’m crazy about. I’ll greet him at the door in a thong and a sweatshirt holding a Manhattan straight up with his name on it sporting a smile the length of Italy.

But you know, even if he thinks I’m a little nuts, remember how happy I’ll be.

In the meantime, till I meet another worthy candidate, I’ll make that drink for myself…all is not lost while one waits by the way.

As good old St. Francis who, despite my Catholic issues I still have a thing for, said…

‘receiving is in the giving…”

This could be my epitaph.

SB

About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Gratitude, Love, sex, sexual relationships, Uncategorized, Women and men and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Depth of Feeling

  1. polkenhorn says:

    You got it right, Susannah…don’t settle for less. Michael smiles when I tell he and others that before I married I had a mental check list and it wasn’t a ‘material list’. M was it.

    What makes our lovely life so lovely? We please each other. We not only speak love, we live it. I revel in doing things for him (everything to me is special) that bring him all sorts of pleasure; bring me warm fuzzies too! What’s so special about that? Well, he’s the same with me!

    Love is caring and sharing w/o keeping tabs…no trades. It’s not “I’ll do this for you…IF…no way! It’s a “I love you soooo much” thing.

    Trust me, through all the ups and downs, ins and outs? It’s a ‘wow’ thing. Hugs ‘n Love, Vasca

    Like

  2. hal rubenstein says:

    NICE POST TODAY ! I DON’T THINK YOU HAVE TO CUT A DEAL TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE, BUT TO BE A FRIEND OR MEET SOMEONE THAT YOU CAN HAVE A PLEASANT TIME WITH IS A CHOICE YOU CAN MAKE. YOU CAN ENJOY TIME BY YOURSELF OR ENJOY TIME BEING WITH OTHER PEOPLE, BEING WITH OTHER PEOPLE DOES NOT MAKE YOU INSTANLY HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, THE IDEA IS TO ENJOY YOUR TIME AND IF IT WORKS OR DOESN’T WORK SO BE IT, AT LEAST YOU OPENED THE DOOR.

    Like

  3. Dion Burn says:

    There’s an unfortunate and necessary irony to overcome: We become, with age, more aware of what we need from a mate, and therefore more reluctant to accept less; and this makes it harder to attain and us more desperate for it. Sometimes settling seems so much easier, but what’s that worth? It’s a dispiriting struggle.

    Like

  4. D. D. Syrdal says:

    I completely agree. Without that *spark* it’s just marking time. I have a friend in a similar situation to Trudy’s, although it seems the guy isn’t quite as wealthy. They hook up every couple of weeks, but he told her years ago he was not interested in marriage. I’ve lost track of how long it’s been going on, but she’s not happy and won’t do anything about it. (she has a host of other issues that contribute to this) It pains me to hear about it, but I long ago gave up trying to talk sense to her. I guess to some women, any man is better than no man.

    Like

    • You see, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be with someone you only kinda liked. I actually like this about myself. I get a lot of crap for it though. I’d rather be alone than compromised. It’s just who I am.

      Like

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