I was just sitting here musing over my religious beliefs that seem to be all over the place. After reading writer Anne Lamott, who really illuminated me in the area of believing, I keep asking myself, what exactly do you call yourself these days Susannah?
How would you best describe your religious affiliation at present?
You have to first understand for years I was told that I was nothing but a loathsome sinner. From the time I rolled down life’s ramp I was called that thanks to the wacky world of Catholicism. You have to wonder, what the hell did I do in my mother’s womb to earn such a name? Did I cover it with graffiti? Puncture it with my teeny-tiny nails? The whole concept did nothing but play havoc with my self-esteem, a real shame since I was blessed with such a sense of humor ; the two, I’m sorry to say, did not walk hand and hand.
How could I possibly think well of such a big fat sinner?
The wiser question is, what could a girl do to change all that?
I have one word for you, psychotherapy.
The money I spent trying to figure out what I did exactly would cap my teeth, and the cat’s (if I still had one) 50 times over.
I remember one shrink saying, “But Susannah, don’t take it all so seriously.”
Easy for her to say, she was Jewish and one of God’s chosen people, so she thought really well of herself, but that’s a lot of money under the bridge.
Where do I stand now?
Well let’s see, I still like the Bible as long as I stay away from Revelations since they scare the shit out of me along with all those over the top animal sacrifices, and Marianne Williamson resonates in my head like a very hip apostle.
I enjoy watching Joyce Meyers since she gives away a fortune to the poor and loves to shop and then there’s Unity’s idea that God is the absolute good therefore so am I which sits awfully well with little ole badgered me.
I have to admit to having a wee yen for Judaism since I admire their quirky customs like mitzvahs and mezuzas and all that apple dipping in honey not to mention healthy heaps of herring in sour cream. (hmm, gettin hungry)
Mustn’t forget Joel, as in Osteen who’s cute and sweet and insists God will bring me whatever it is I truly want if I just hang in there so I’m hoping that long overdue cosmetic contract may just be stuck in traffic – and who can forget the ‘communion of Saints’ especially St. Francis for all his animal work and Joan of Arc who told all those men where to get off (I know she got burnt, what girl hasn’t?) and last but certainly not least, Jesus Christ who said so many encouraging things like everyone who seeks finds and love thy neighbor which I do except for Polly and the smoker across the hall for good reasons of course and my all time favorite Jesusism, God loves everyone that I have to say is a huge goddamned relief.
When I meld all of this together I get a snappy, happy, old fashioned optimist who believes in the greater good of things.
In 12 Step, which is kind of a religion just without the wine, says we should take what we like and leave the rest, a very sound suggestion if you ask me, kind of like being at God’s almighty buffet table.
You only put on your plate what’s palatable, nothing more, nothing less creating your very own custom made doctrine. This way you can always eat meat on Fridays.
Sure wish I got this a little sooner.
I like that you get 8 gifts, one a night; makes it a hellova lot easier to write those damned thank-you notes.
What do you mean only kids get the 8 gifts?
Not at my week long Chanukah party they don’t.