A Born Again Optimist

I was just sitting here musing over my religious beliefs that seem to be all over the place. After reading writer Anne Lamott, who really illuminated me in the area of believing, I keep asking myself, what exactly do you call yourself these days Susannah?

How would you best describe your religious affiliation at present?

You have to first understand for years I was told that I was nothing but a loathsome sinner. From the time I rolled down life’s ramp I was called that thanks to the wacky world of Catholicism. You have to wonder, what the hell did I do in my mother’s womb to earn such a name? Did I cover it with graffiti? Puncture it with my teeny-tiny nails? The whole concept did nothing but play havoc with my self-esteem, a real shame since I was blessed with such a sense of humor ; the two, I’m sorry to say, did not walk hand and hand.

How could I possibly think well of such a big fat sinner?

The wiser question is, what could a girl do to change all that?

I have one word for you, psychotherapy.

The money I spent trying to figure out what I did exactly would cap my teeth, and the cat’s (if I still had one) 50 times over.

I remember one shrink saying, “But Susannah, don’t take it all so seriously.”

Easy for her to say, she was Jewish and one of God’s chosen people, so she thought really well of herself, but that’s a lot of money under the bridge.

Where do I stand now?

Well let’s see, I still like the Bible as long as I stay away from Revelations since they scare the shit out of me along with all those over the top animal sacrifices, and Marianne Williamson resonates in my head like a very hip apostle.

I enjoy watching Joyce Meyers since she gives away a fortune to the poor and loves to shop and then there’s Unity’s idea that God is the absolute good therefore so am I which sits awfully well with little ole badgered me.

I have to admit to having a wee yen for Judaism since I admire their quirky customs like mitzvahs and mezuzas and all that apple dipping in honey not to mention healthy heaps of herring in sour cream. (hmm, gettin hungry)

Mustn’t forget Joel, as in Osteen who’s cute and sweet and insists God will bring me whatever it is I truly want if I just hang in there so I’m hoping that long overdue cosmetic contract may just be stuck in traffic – and who can forget the ‘communion of Saints’ especially St. Francis for all his animal work and Joan of Arc who told all those men where to get off (I know she got burnt, what girl hasn’t?) and last but certainly not least, Jesus Christ who said so many encouraging things like everyone who seeks finds and love thy neighbor which I do except for Polly and the smoker across the hall for good reasons of course and my all time favorite Jesusism, God loves everyone that I have to say is a huge goddamned relief.

When I meld all of this together I get a snappy, happy, old fashioned optimist who believes in the greater good of things.

In 12 Step, which is kind of a religion just without the wine, says we should take what we like and leave the rest, a very sound suggestion if you ask me, kind of like being at God’s almighty buffet table.

You only put on your plate what’s palatable, nothing more, nothing less creating your very own custom made doctrine. This way you can always eat meat on Fridays.

Sure wish I got this a little sooner.

Oh well, better late than never, as they say. Did I remember to mention how much I love Chanukah?           

I like that you get 8 gifts, one a night; makes it a hellova lot easier to write those damned thank-you notes.

What do you mean only kids get the 8 gifts?

Not at my week long Chanukah party they don’t.


About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in humor, Love, religion, Women and men, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to A Born Again Optimist

  1. Ah…Catholicism, the spirit busters (live vibrant spirits). We could fill a book on that hypocrisy. I started this journey about 3 years ago and started attending Quaker Meeting. No pressure to “join”, no $$, just yourself sitting in silence for 45 minutes on a Sunday morning. Religion should be individual …no pressure.
    The other day I was driving behind a car loaded with bumper stickers, one stuck out amongst the fags & eagles…Jesus Loves Everyone, Unless Your An Asshole. Nearly hit a pole with all the sarcasm that raced through this head!


  2. D. D. Syrdal says:

    Or you could do like I did and ditch Christianity lock, stock, and barrel. I know, as an ex-Catholic myself, the idea alone is probably stroke-inducing. Took me a long time to get over it, but now I’m living happily as a born-again (and again…and again…) Pagan. (The joke there is Pagans believe in reincarnation… which certain Christian factions did too in the early years of the church).


  3. rachel bar says:

    As a Jewish atheist, well actually as one who follows her newfound God- Christopher Hitchens, I would encourage everyone not to take religion seriously.
    Your blog, on the other hand, is fresh and bright.
    BTW, the custom of giving kids gifts for the 8 days of Chanukka, is a recent one, which came about as compensating the “poor’ Jewish kids, who were feeling envious about Xmas. In the original Chanukka celebration there are no gifts for eight days!
    Regardless, I love Chanukka!


  4. kerrycooks says:

    How lovely you look in a habit! I feel lucky to have been brought up athiest – at least I know where I stand


  5. Rob says:

    M.K. Ghandi said “I like your Christ but I don’t like your Christians”. If Jesus had said and done even a tiny number of the things attributed to him, he must have been a pretty neat guy. I don’t recall him saying much about guilt, which rather begs the question of where that came from. Maybe the priests know better than Jesus.


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