Bugs and the Badly Dressed

A new coffee shop opened on 86th Street and like all loyal New Yorkers I defected from my usual place to be the first in line. There was also a free bagel coupon to consider.

It’s not that I like it that much better, they just open at 6 A.M. which for an insomniac like me is big news. They also have decent ‘all you can drink’ coffee so if you don’t mind, kindly do the math.

It’s a big chain therefore the decor is very ‘truck stop’. I half expect to see semis with napping drivers double-parked at the curb.

Today at 6:01 perched in my booth I people watched with as much enthusiasm as one can muster a little past dawn.

There was a pretty Asian mother with her one year old sitting to my left. The baby looked fake till her dad showed up when she came to life as if she was wound up from the back. I didn’t mind her racket really since it was better than the Muzak blasting overhead. I was exceptionally entertained when she hurled her Zweiback across the room landing in a woman’s lap who was not as amused as I was. She was on her computer so this biscuit of mass destruction broke her concentration;

like lighten up sister.

To my right was a man that took so much sugar I thought perhaps he was preparing to bake something right there like on the cable show Top Chef. I know sugar is free but save some for the rest of us buddy.

The staff, who must be trained like seals to smile at all costs, run around in ugly brown polyester uniforms asking you every few minutes if everything is alright. Yes, if only you’d stop asking me that it would be practically perfect. (remember the Muzak)

I watched an old couple meander in looking as if they had just awakened from a coma. The woman was a hair spryer than the man so she parked him in a booth before she got in  line. Actually, she still might be on her way there. To sum it up, turtles and snails would have outrun her.

Hey, just telling you who was present.

The woman who got the cracker in her lap kept showing signs of annoyance. She made that sound with her tongue we all know and love. My mother made it whenever someone got in her way. It must be short for ‘excuse me asshole, but you’re bothering me.’

I kept fantasying about all the awful things that could happen to her while she sat there. A hold-up maybe, or her bagel could have had rancid cream cheese giving her the runs.

Did I mention I wasn’t in the best of moods either? Perhaps you’ve already noticed.

Then my negative energy blissfully kicked in.

I watched a water bug make its way down a wall in her direction. For the record, I’m Italian so I don’t squeal on anything, even a bug the size of a Buick. The first time I saw one was the year 1978 in my apartment on 70th Street. I ran to Grand Central like Jesse Owens and took a train home. I had never been more mortified or frightened in my life, but I’m older now so I’m quite valorous around all insects.

Of course I knew Shotzie who just yelled at a baby would not be as magnanimous as I.

I sat and watched like a director who just said action. The bug was great, hit all its marks and didn’t even need make-up.

One – Two – Three…..

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…”

Yes, she jumped up and screamed so loud the entire place stopped what they were doing.

First of all this is New York, not Oz so get a grip lady, I don’t care who you are. What offended me most though was what she was wearing. She looked as if Ray Charles dressed her in a plaid shirt and seersucker peddle pushers (no, capris are chic, these should have come with a dozen clams).  She reminded me of my father, also guilty of mixing prints, but he was drunk so he had an excuse.

The best part was the baby who couldn’t stop laughing. I imagined her thinking, gotcha back bitch, that bug’s a friend of mine.

She made the biggest thing out of Mr. Creepy Crawler (his stage name) who took off like a shot (what an actor).

“I’m never coming back to this place again,” she told Sequoia the manager. I was so happy to know that anyone dressed like a test pattern will be dining elsewhere from now on.

I then, along with the baby’s father, got up to get more coffee.

We grinned at one another.

SB

About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Fashion, humor, Love, New York City, women, Women and men and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Bugs and the Badly Dressed

  1. Oh, I just love when people think their so important to this world. Next time maybe she won’t choose a PUBLIC place to save the world on her precious laptop. Mr. Creepy Crawler is officially nominated for an Oscar for his performance in Bitches be Bad No More…..lol

    Like

  2. Vasca says:

    Hey, that baby was right on target ~ nice shot. Could be the laptop person was suffering from a hangover…who’s to know? At any rate when you want to concentrate on your computer you don’t do it in a slightly overloud atmosphere…at least that’s not my idea of closing myself off from all that stuff.
    Bugs fail to excite me…however, one morning (to my great shock/horror) I opened my ‘under the sink’ cabinet to be greeted by an opossum…a quite large, ugly one! No idea how it got there.
    Discretion was my better part of valor…I didn’t scream/yell/curse for fear it might think I was its greatest enemy and let me have it…whatever it had. Excited, yes!
    Just think, what if that ramblin’ bug had made it inside that gals garb…what a hoot that would’ve been!!! Woohoo…yes!

    Like

  3. D. D. Syrdal says:

    Dressed like a test pattern… BWAHAHAHA! 😀 That’s great. What a place. All you needed was Weird Al Yankovic!

    Like

  4. Jed says:

    I gotta try this place (where dreams are born).

    Like

  5. Rob says:

    Oh Susannah, you’re such a snob! Remember: all of these badly dressed and badly behaved people make you look sooooo much better. Thanks for making me laugh again.

    Like

    • I am a snob when it comes to too much matchy-matchy or no matchy whatsoever. It takes so little to look nice, honestly. You don’t even have to spend much money. Glad you giggled. My forever goal.

      Like

      • Rob says:

        You’d lose patience with me. I have all the sartorial elegance of a warthog! I always think it’s what’s inside that matters most.

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      • Well, it’s just a point of view and you must remember fashion pumps thru my bloodstream whether I like it or not. Had a little piece run in More Mag June issue. Nothing grand, but cute…ho hum

        Like

      • Rob says:

        BTW have you had any more articles published recently?

        Like

      • Rob says:

        I can’t seem to find it. The two I’ve already seen (G. Clooney and AWOL) plus a ref to your Receiving Gifts piece. What is is called?

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      • It’s within a long beauty piece. My 2 cents concern short hair. It was page 81 in actual magazine so I don’t know how they do it online. You are very sweet to look.

        Like

  6. Rob says:

    Not sweet: I wouldn’t bother if I didn’t enjoy your writing.

    Like

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