Tightening Your Prada Belt

This is not about losing weight though I am pretty lean these days. I’m referring to spending less if less is coming in.

I wrote an essay (Home Economics) concerning my latest attempt at balancing the budget. I’d probably have better success balancing a ball on my nose but we’ll try to be optimistic.

What I didn’t mention was my recent trip to see Max my accountant.

First of all, I hate pinching pennies. When I found myself at the health food store comparing walnut prices I knew I was in trouble. I spend a fortune on nuts for their omega-3s. I never realized it before till Max, who I stupidly asked to peruse my bills said, “ARE YOU NUTS SPENDING THIS MUCH MONEY ON NUTS?” (He really said that.)

I have always prided myself on what a healthy, sensational diet I have. According to Max, as he put it, hot dogs are cheaper.

“But I don’t eat meat Max,” I told him, “especially with secret fillers.”

“What are talking about? Hebrew National? You mean to tell me their dogs are packin secrets?”

“You know what they say Max, you never want to know how they make laws or sausages.”

“Who said anything about sausages?”

“Think shape then do the math.”

The conversation did get a little out of hand.

Max who lives on fast food has cholesterol problems and a belly you could play Babalu on so his food advice is none one should heed.

When I voiced this he said, “Alright, how bout this, just don’t buy them. Give them up. Throw in an extra banana in your yogurt and forget about those overpriced nuts. And do we have to buy expensive Greek yogurt? What’s wrong with Dannon?”

“It’s got junk in it (which is true) and Greek yogurt better for you (which it is).”

“If you want to save money you need to buy cheaper food.”

This depressed me to no end. This is how I see it. Life is too short to give up your walnuts. I mean it, there has to be another area where I can save a few bucks.

Then things got worse.

“You spend an awful lot under miscellaneous,” he said shaking his head. “Could you break that down for me a bit?”

“I could but I won’t.”

“And why is that Susannah?”

“For starters, a girl’s miscellaneous is very personal.”

Well it is. To be honest, I didn’t want him to find out about my housekeeper that still comes now and again. I was afraid it would put him over the edge since he already thinks my lifestyle is too lavish, which it isn’t. Is it my fault I don’t have the scrubbing gene?

Besides, I wouldn’t be saving any money if I got rid of her anyway. If I had to clean my own house from top to bottom along with buying a series of cleaning products, I’d have to throw in scotch to get me to do it, so you see, I’m actually saving money having her.

We all have our systems after all.

Then the topic of lunch came up.

“So Susannah, this bistro I know you go to.”

“What bistro?”

“The one you write about all the time. Are we still going there?

“Is this part of miscellaneous by any chance?”

“Could be.”

Dammit, I knew he’d bust me for something. That’s what I get for writing about my social life.

“I know that restaurant. You may as well be going to the 21 Club.”

“But I don’t like it there. They make terrible pasta.”

That’s when he hit the ceiling. “You shouldn’t be going anywhere until your finances improve. You could eat for a month at what you spend there.”

Jesus, and to think I always thought I ate like a bird. He of course was referring to the wine bill which, I’ll admit, brings the bill up just a tad. Alright so it doubles.

When I think it was my big idea to ask him to look over things to see if he could suggest a tip or two.

That was the other thing, he went ballistic over my over tipping. I told him, “Max, when you frequent a place you have to be generous.”

“THEN GO TO A NEW PLACE WHERE THEY’LL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.”

Then he really got annoyed when I told him I had to go after thanking him profusely of course.

“Where are you going, we haven’t finished yet.”

“Um, a wake, I’m going to a wake.”

Alright I lied.

How could I tell him I was going to lunch?

He might have popped a vessel.

SB

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About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in humor, money, New York City, Uncategorized, Women and men and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Tightening Your Prada Belt

  1. Things never to do again….ask Max for ways to tighten your belt. I LOVE your justification for the cleaning lady…hahahahaha…makes perfect sense to me.

    Like

  2. Rob says:

    I love the scotch versus cleaning lady argument as well – comedy gold!
    You could learn to make your own wine. I save a small fortune that way.

    Like

  3. Jed says:

    I assume Max is an Ed Asner type. Few penny pinchers are this funny.

    Like

  4. Patricia says:

    What is this balancing budget you speak of? Is it a ball game of some sort? A yoga pose? Computer game?

    Like

  5. D. D. Syrdal says:

    Here’s a way to save money: fire Max 😉

    Like

  6. backonmyown says:

    Well, I don’t have a Prada anything, but I certainly could use a little belt tightening. I no longer have a housekeeper, but I told a friend recently that I have finally reached the point where I miss her (housekeeper) more than I do my ex.

    This post made me laugh at you and at me. Oh, and I still buy walnuts, too. The thought of eating a hot dog makes me want to throw up.

    Like

    • When the housekeeper comes I feel like a million bucks as do my lungs that hate all that dust. I do straighten and Swiff myself but I’m not being coy when I say I’m just not very good at it.

      I could be reading.

      Thanks for writing.

      Like

  7. manty67 says:

    Men, they just don’t understand these things. There are certain things a girl just can’t live without. Hope you enjoyed your lunch 🙂

    Like

    • I know, but others do not. Life is so short like in the Jason story which is how I justify all purchases that seem unnecessary to others. However, bills do keep me up at night so what’s a thin girl to do, I ask you?

      Like

      • manty67 says:

        I agree you just don’t know how long that piece of rope we tread is going to be, so we need to make each day count. I have to have my nails painted, hair looking just so and make up on before I can feel truly human. But beauty sleep is important as well. I hope things sort themselves out, and your accountant can find a good route where all goals are achieved 😀

        Like

      • He thinks I act like one of the Gabor sisters. So not true. I just have my need walnuts being one. If I had a hotdog I’d pass out. I mean it. I get my nails done every Saturday at noon. Self-care is very important. I buff by the way rather than paint.

        Like

      • manty67 says:

        Gabor sisters that did make me laugh. I was reading the other day that 7 walnuts a day helps against all kind of illnesses, so he should see this as a positive, 😉 – a healthy you keeps him employed for longer 😀 unfortunately I need the gel instead of just buffing as my nails have a habit of just splitting.

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      • Try fish oil tablets. Or you could eat 100 walnuts a day, an idea I find very appealing. How bout mental illness. I’d shoot them in my arm.

        Like

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