About Face – Part 1

I’ve always said I would never, ever have plastic surgery, but since I’ll be turning 59 in a few months, I’m considering changing my mind. What if I were to renovate here and there like sanding the floors or painting my living room. It’s not as though my floors look that bad, however they are a little scuffed. Would it be so terrible if I were to buff them, just a tiny bit?

My friends Camille and Joanne, who pop in and out of the surgeon’s office like it was the corner deli, are more than a little encouraging. Camille has even offered to give me one of her half price Botox coupons to get me started. Now that’s a pal. Instead of 850 bucks a shot it will cost 425 – sure sounds like a steal to me. My only fear, besides debtor’s prison, is that I’ll come back looking like a piece of crockery.

Camille insists I won’t, but what she doesn’t seem to realize is that she hasn’t thrown her head back and had a good laugh in quite some time. This is an issue for me. I know a woman needs to make sacrifices for her looks but a frozen face may be too high a price to pay to maintain a youthful appearance.

“Oh Susannah, you’re over a half century old,” said Joanne, “don’t you think you’ve laughed enough?”

“No, not when you consider menopause with all her bells and whistles I don’t. Furthermore, women can never, ever truly laugh enough.”

Yes, I would love to look 40 again, who wouldn’t, and what’s a few hundred dollars every couple of months especially if you put it on your Brooks Brothers Platinum Mastercard and accrue points. Not only will you have a face that could double as a surfboard but you’ll get a blazer out of it too. Even my mother would have liked that idea.

“You don’t have to get Botox, you can always have a little fat transfer,” suggested Joanne whose rear end is now facing front. After they knocked her out with what she seems to think was Helium, they siphoned a little lard from her more than willing derrière then slyly injected it along her nose line. What will they think of next?

“I just assumed you’d love the idea,” said Joanne, “all that recycling.”

“Well, that’s certainly one way of looking at it,” I said, examining her (front) cheeks that at certain angles make her resemble a squirrel.

“You don’t have much fat Susannah, not since you gave up sugar and carbs,” said Camille, who at this point hadn’t said much. “You may need a donor.”

We both looked at Joanne.

“I don’t know,” I said, “but I’m getting that deflated look my mother had.”

“You make her sound like a flat tire,” said Camille, “besides, I always thought your mother looked pretty damned good considering she lived on lasagna, Jell-O and scotch.

“The liquor probably preserved her,” said Joanne, “like a big pickle.”

“What about a minor clean up under the eye,” said Camille. “You can get rid of those little fatty deposits that have taken up residence.”

“What deposits are we referring to,” I said, digging out my mirror in a panic.

“Your satchels Susannah,” said Joanne, “we all have them. I like to call them little Louis Vuittons or in your case, L.L. Bean Boat and Totes.”

“So now my eyes have carry-on bags? How nice of you to tell me.”

“Get over it,” snapped Camille, “God knows it’s easy enough to fix and just think, you’ll come out looking incredibly rested – like you went on a nice, long cruise.”

“And that’s what you can tell everybody,” added Joanne, “since you’ll want to stay home for a couple of weeks due to bruising.”

“Bruising?”

“Omigod, you have no idea…”

“Joanne!” Camille tried cutting her off at the pass.

“You look like a battered raccoon when it’s over. I remember scaring the hell out of the pizza boy.”

“Well forget that,” I said, “whipping on my Raybans. “I’ll just have to live with my Boat and Totes and let that be that. Joanne, why is it I can’t recall you having your eyes done?”

“Sure you can, you just thought I was on a cruise.”

Camille winked across the table.

“See how easy it would be, and to my recollection, when you turned the big five -0, you were thinking about doing it then as minute as they were.”

“Yeah, and what I recollect is, someone we all know and no longer trust, saying it was just like getting your teeth cleaned.”

“It is,” said Joanne, “except the hygienist takes longer.”

“I suggest,” said Camille, “that we visit Dr. M who I’ll bet will happily wave his, I’ll admit, rather steep, consultation fee…my being such a loyal patron and all.”

“Steep isn’t the word,” said Joanne, “you could go to Paris for a month on what he charges.”

“You know what I always say,” said Camille.

“Book your flight early?”

“When it comes to your face..”

“Money is no object,” Joanne and I said in perfect unison.

“Alright Camille, I’ll go,” I said, “but just remember, me and my Boat and Totes are only consulting.”

to be continued…

SB

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About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Beauty, Fashion, friendship, humor, money, New York City, Uncategorized, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to About Face – Part 1

  1. Rob says:

    You’ve got me laughing again Susannah.
    Loraine, who sits behind me at work, has had botox and “other work” done. She is a strange looking creature now. I’m old enough to remember Troy Tempest from Stingray. His lips moved in a very similar fashion to Loraine’s. I think I’d prefer to look like an old human than a young puppet. I know you’ll tell me it’s different for girls. Are wrinkles really so ugly?

    Like

  2. skinnyuz2b says:

    I turn 63 in a couple of months. My solution? Wear a really tight ponytail on the top of my head! And a turtleneck, and long sleeves. And only have my photo taken when I’m hanging onto the bar of my niece’s swing set – no underarm flaps, and tightens the stomach. it also shows how playful I am.

    Like

  3. Vasca says:

    Oh Susannah…I imagine you’re gorgeous…very gorgeous. My sis has had much done; she was always gorgeous but in time, all that work sort of ‘goes’…I’m 4 yrs older w/no work of any kind. People are shocked to learn I’m 82…and truthfully? I really look nowhere near it. I’m blest w/great skin (guess genes must be in there somewhere) and who cares if the arms sag a tad…sleeves are great and beautiful. Ingenuity can work wonders…and does. No Botox or anything of the sorts is going to alter my appearance. I’m happy, happy in my natural skin…no regrets…just thankfulness. Looking at people who have ‘done it’ and look frightening? No way! Do think it over…and over!

    Like

  4. katecrimmins says:

    Ah, decisions, decisions. A neighbor has had botox and she doesn’t have a fixed face at all. In fact, she can wrinkle her forhead if she wants to. Perhaps it depends on the amount or the doctor. As for myself, I favor some of the laser treatments. They refresh but the changes are subtle. You won’t lose your Boats and Totes. It all depends on what you want.

    Like

    • Maybe outside of New York doctors are more conservative. There’s a woman around the corner whose face resembles a frying pan…she’s an ad for doing nothing. I always feel a good night sleep will do amazing things, as long as your sunglasses are handy. I’m on the fence about the whole thing.

      Like

      • katecrimmins says:

        Your gravatar is beautiful so I expect you really don’t need it. Don’t do it unless you want it. Sunglasses are wonderful!

        Like

      • That’s a nice thing to say…I love sunglasses…I remember reading Jackie Kennedy always traveled with 6 pair, but with hardly any clothes…a blazer, 2 pair of pants…but shades were a must.

        Like

  5. Jed says:

    Everyone!
    Please leave your faces alone.

    Like

  6. D. D. Syrdal says:

    Forget it, I’m holding out for an android body.

    Like

  7. We had a patient come in on Monday with that “permanent state of surprise” look that is borderline insane. My co-worker was trying to figure out what was wrong with her face when I filled her in on the fact that eyebrows shouldn’t meet your hair line.

    Like

    • Have you ever heard of Linda Smith? She’s a New York comic, and years ago before Botox was even on the scene, she had this great joke about a woman with a face lift who looked, permanently surprised..it was a great joke. See, you have stand-up in your blood.

      Like

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