Thanks For The Mammeries

Is it me or has there been an explosion of breast tissue across America?

I realize many of my readers live in Peru and Bangkok, but perhaps it’s happening there too. Boobs as far as the eye can see leading the way like flashy, fleshy tour guides.

Just this morning a lady was standing in front of my house, all 42D of her, with her blouse opened to her navel. I looked around for that pole she was about to swing from wondering if a streetlamp might do.

Her husband, well somebody’s husband since he wore a ring, came out of the gourmet shop downstairs like a houseboy shlepping coffee and brioche as if he were making an offering to the gods. And I guess he was, the god of knockers.

I noticed at once they were real, as opposed to bought. Camille always marvels at how I can tell the difference. First of all, boobs purchased and paid for make a bigger presentation…they’re featured as stars of the show, and can you blame their owners? It would be like buying a couple of Caddies and leaving them in the garage. This woman though may have just forgotten to button her blouse and there was no way Hopsing was going to tell her.

What is it with men and boobs? Why do they have the power to captivate and hypnotize? I honestly don’t have a clue since mine tend to be off duty these days. When I was younger I too liked wearing tight sweaters and see through shirts, but now it never occurs to me to crack open the cleavage like a box of Mallomars.

See, if I were a guy I’d rather have the cookies, but that’s just me.

My friend Joanne had gotten implants then returned them, like a couple of chairs that didn’t work in her living room. Her boyfriend at the time urged her to get them, but they were just too big for her body, as if she had melons stuffed in her dress.

And the other thing is how the manufactured kind just don’t move. I can only compare them to egg cups taped across your chest.

Women nowadays love showing their assets. When I was at Farinella sneaking that designer pizza, a young girl came to see the owner who practically dove from behind the counter to greet her.

She was wearing short denim shorts with her rear winking every time she, for whatever reason, bent over to touch her ankles..a halter top so we could see that cute little cobra slithering across her backside that also left her breasts staring at you like a couple of raccoons in the dark. I was so mesmerized I let my pizza get cold. She gave flirting all new meaning for me. I looked down at my St. James sailor shirt two sizes too big and my own baggy shorts and thought, well, if I want someone to jump the counter for me I better pull something out besides a five to pay for this overpriced slice.

I went home and checked my lingerie drawer that made me sneeze when I opened it. Who knew crotchless panties could get so dusty (there was a time), but I found a push-up bra with enough underwire to house a few homing pigeons.

I’m gonna give this baby a whirl, I decided, putting on an old disco shirt that leaves my underbelly exposed, in more ways than one.

I added tight jeans and a pair of black suede Manolos and wobbled out to see if I too could bewitch some poor unsuspecting schmuck into a coma, but the first one who looked my way scared the shit out of me so I ran back home. I guess me and my boobs, as well as my ankles, are a little rusty.

I also think you need a tutorial (and a flask) in order to stroll as if you were searching for a nudist colony.

But I did learn one thing, or two, about myself. I’d rather be the owner of harmless hooters than the proprietor of bazooms that stun and kill.

I know a guy who walked right into traffic eying a pair and now has a limp.

I ask you, is a cheap peek worth looking like Chester on Gunsmoke? I don’t think so.

Like my pal Mazzilli says, anything over a handful is a waste.

Yeah, I don’t believe it either.


About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
This entry was posted in Beauty, humor, New York City, sex, Uncategorized, women, Women and men and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Thanks For The Mammeries

  1. micklively says:

    Boobs are great, but it’s so rare to find a woman with (real) boobs, who isn’t also fat. Many men would put up with the fat, in order to “have” the boobs. Not me. I like boobs, but a good waistline is far sexier.


  2. jimmie chew says:

    you should see the girls in nj. just add big hair, long nails and tons, tons of make up.
    were are these people going, its 9 am?
    my like button isnt working, again


  3. skinnyuz2b says:

    I wish you had taken a photo of your getup and posted it, ha ha! Before I beefed up to 125 and grew some lady berries, I practiced mis-direction. I put the focus on my mid-section with crop tops (in style back then). The guys were so busy oogling my six-pack that they didn’t notice my (almost, but not quite) tiny 32AAs.
    And Susannah, you are right about the male population’s booby obsession. My Pookie-Pie and I will be watching TV and he’ll make a comment about a woman’s chest. He finds it hard to believe I never noticed (unless they’re hanging out or squished up to her chin). I’m busy with more important observations, like their wardrobe, hairstyle, makeup, etc.


    • I’m much too shy to post a picture like that Skinny. I’ve come to realize, I’m tired of trying to please a man. I fail every time, doesn’t matter what I do or what I have or don’t have. I think I may have hung my garters up for good. Hope you’re writing up a storm šŸ™‚


  4. katecrimmins says:

    lordamercy! Boobs! I didn’t have any until I was approaching menopause at which time a bunch of saggy tissue congregated to the boob area with the nipples pointing to my shoes. Even that didn’t entice me to get some surgery done. A good bra fixes all. This was very well written, very funny and so true!


    • I hate wearing brassieres, even for an hour. Like I’m in lacy, wired armor. I do like the idea of one which can explain why I own so many, but they’re so uncomfortable. I’m glad you thought the piece was funny…always the goal unless I get all soppy like yesterday. I veer off here and there.


  5. hilarious!! I love this, the descriptions are so vivid and I laughed at you walking out to see what would happen… you are just too funny. Of course, I think if anyone wants to see mine, they would have to be crawling along the sidewalk as gravity is our worst enemy… Not really, but that is how I pictured myself trying to show off mine… Thanks for the laugh! DAF


  6. D. D. Syrdal says:

    It’s like you don’t exist without big boobs. I don’t get it either. Anyone who gets hit by a car staring at someone’s boobs deserves that limp.


  7. Jeanette Hamilton says:

    Wish I still just had a handful, like back in the good ole days. Some of us post-menopausal ladies wake up to an unexpected late-life “enhancement” complements of Mother Nature. At least I haven’t gained weight anywhere else. I just hope there are no more “surprises” like this in store.


    • My body is so unimpressive…before and after menopause. I wish my boobs got bigger…I look at all the naturally well endowed ladies and wonder what it’s like. Men seem to cater to them more, or is that my imagination. Don’t know.


      • Jeanette Hamilton says:

        Having gotten my big chest in middle age and not by choice, I work hard at minimizing my, ahem, assets so I really don’t know if men look at me differently now or not. My husband is one of the rare males who isn’t particularly into big boobs. You are so gorgeous and believe me when I say I am envious of anyone for whom a bra is optional. Small boobs are much more youthful looking if you ask me.


      • May we clone your husband? I’ll call NASA. Then we can ask him to will himself to the Smithsonian as the MAN WITH GOOD TASTE šŸ™‚


  8. Patricia says:

    If your body is so unimpressive how is it that you are still a working model? Really, do you want a man catering to you because of your boobs? Personally I am happy with the quality of my dears and not at all bothered by the lack of quantity.


  9. I haven’t worn a bra in about 15 years. My breast were always sore. I wore a properly fitted bra as I had a friend in the business. My husband had read an article about african women who didn’t wear bras had a very low rate of breast cancer. I bought a few cotton camasols that give light support and I haven’t looked back. Oh and by the way I have no breast pain whatsoever.


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