Light No Sugar

If you need a reminder of why you don’t date, all you need is to go on one. The reasons you prefer a book blink like neon.

Sammy Sleaze, I’ll call him, is a pal of a pal of mine who may cease being one. Did M think I was so desperate for male companionship I’d find one of the biggest idiots on the planet alluring?

I guess so…and I’ve said this before…blind dates were meant for the blind.

First of all, he was dressed like an undertaker or a very unsuccessful bookie, take your pick. His suit was inky black and ill fitted, as though it were inherited from an old uncle whose balls had separated due to irreconcilable differences. Had one word for Sam…TAILOR. I hate when a man’s pant leg billows in the breeze as though he were wearing sails.

Also, a suit, even one like that, should come with a tie. That open collar with his curly chest hairs peeking out Bob Guccione style, gave me the wrong kind of chill.

Alright, I’m an aesthetic snob, but give me a break. He was like a bad Tony Danza, who can at least tap dance if things get a little dull.

He wasn’t cheap. I’ll say that for him, not when he asked the waiter to leave the bottle of Chevis on the table.

Remember the part in The Godfather when Michael shoots the grease ball who shot the Don?

If only I had a gun.     images-38

When he said, “Go ahead doll, order whatever ya want…you look like you could use a meal,” that’s when I excused myself to go to the ladies room. Entering, I couldn’t help it, I looked for that gun Clemenza would have planted behind the toilet, out of sheer sentiment, calling Camille from the stall.

“Can’t you tell him you’re sick? Say you caught it from me, then give him my number.”

“Camille, trust me when I say, he’s not your type.”

“And your point is? He’s dinner and a bottle of scotch.”

“I have to go…he’ll think I fell in.”

“Throw hot water on your forehead, so it looks like you’re sweating, then get your dinner to go.”

When I came back Mr. Sleazy was chatting up another girl. I so wanted to back out of the room quietly, but alas, he saw me.

“So doll, you okay? Was gettin worried…me and Ginny here were just exchanging stock tips.” (What, regular Trogans verses Big Boys in bulk?)

“Well, don’t let me stop you. You know, I am feeling a little under the weather…maybe I should just go on home.”

“But here comes your scampi…you wouldn’t want it to go to waste now would’ja doll?”

“Of course not, I’ll just take it with me.”

Did Ginny just wink or is that my fever taking hold 🙂



About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
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18 Responses to Light No Sugar

  1. skinnyuz2b says:

    Oh, Susannah, that’s so funny. And so familiar in a distant memory sort of way. My worse date (not blind, but first and only with this guy) was with the owner of a nightclub my two girlfriends and I frequented. He was very handsome. That’s the end of the good part. While we were eating, he handed me a wad of bills from his wallet and asked me to count it. I looked at the wad and told him I didn’t think I could count that high. After dinner I got a really bad headache and had to go home. He wanted to see me inside and I refused. Then he actually asked, “What’s the matter, don’t you love me?” Love him?! I truthfully replied, “No, I’m afraid not. In fact, I don’t really even like you.”


    • Oh Skinny, was it Bugsy Siegel? A total joke since you’re hardly old enough, but have you ever seen the movie Warren Beatty made? This guy sounds just like him. I’m not a fan of the wad owner if you will. I’m from Connecticut, it should stay in your wallet and your pants for that matter. You’re very funny.


      • skinnyuz2b says:

        No, I don’t recall the movie. However, I do remember that his name was Joey. Not Joe. He actually called for weeks begging me to go out again. I was wise to him, and knew it wasn’t because he cared about me. He just couldn’t stand that someone didn’t want him.


      • The old, if you don’t want me I want you but God forbid you want me because then I’m outta here. Is that about right?


  2. Dear Lord! You gave me goosebumps at the chest hair exposure, yet I know for a fact I would not have been so brave as to leave. I would have stayed and suffered through all of it, feeling sorry for him…dare I say he may have even gotten a sympathy smooch.


  3. micklively says:

    I found this piece really interesting. If you’re dating as part of a search for a long-term partner, then why the trivia? Or are these justifications for the patently obvious: he wasn’t your type? I can’t imagine you putting up with being addressed as “Doll” for more than a nano-second. But would a bad suit on a good bloke really be worth a mention? He dresses devinely but he drowns puppies for fun: you can see where I’m going with this?


    • Yes Mick I do but you forget I’m an entertainer…I want you to smile and smirk, giggle and gush over my unfortunate adventure. The way I look at is, at least I got an essay out of it. It’s not that serious a piece there Matey. Blind dates are filled with things to poke fun at…it’s the only good thing about them…and where would I be if I couldn’t make hay out of a guy’s suit 🙂


  4. katecrimmins says:

    You lost me at “doll.” I hate those neutral names (sweetie, baby, gorgeous) that always lead me to believe the person forgot my real name. I don’t think I would date if my husband died. Maybe have a friend for companionship (God, I sound so old) but it’s so “been there, done that and have no interest in going through all the crap again.” The best dates are with people you have met yourself and developed a friendship with first. Then there is the how do you have sex without laughing with a 70 year old wrinkly guy?


    • That’s funny…Mr. Wrinkles..better him than us…right? Dating for me is like a job I really loath. Why do I still engage? I really don’t know. I’m very isolated, happily so, and it seems to bother the outside world. My desire to please needs to be quelled. And everyone would help if they’d just minded their own business where my personal life’s concerned. I’m really quite happy with just me. I’m such great company.


  5. hilarious! If the baby wasn’t sleeping I would be belly laughing! Instead I am laughing uproariously inside, which hurts…
    Hope your scampi at least was great. Next time someone tries to set you up on a date (unless you need some good fodder for a post) repeat loudly…. I think I have a headache that night.

    Great post, love reading your blog, it makes my day!


    • Here’s a tip DAF…don’t ever put scampi in the microwave…you can bounce it around the room, but who knew 🙂


      • yeh, I knew shrimp would do that… hubby went to a friend’s house last night and they sent him home with leftover shrimp, rice and okra (yes, it’s the south!) and he nuked it in the micro… ate most and gave some to the dog, I guess the dog was prancing about to go out the entire time I was talking to hubby tonight…. have microwaved shrimp before… it’s not pleasant…


      • Live and learn DAF…that’s what I get for taking it home…should have left without my Susannah bag.


  6. MJ says:

    “If you need a reminder of why you don’t date…” An opening line worthy of Bartlett’s, and the rest very funny, too!


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