Swiffly Fired

I fired my housekeeper. Well, she was more someone who came when I had extra cash to dig me out of my domestic, perpetual disarray, but still…it’s a parting just the same.

Sadly Max, my accountant, said she didn’t make the cut budget wise, so I always had to sneak her in the backdoor.

I’d sell a scarf at the resale shop then call her.

I love Consuela, but she really pissed me off asking for a raise right after she said she was praying for me to the Blessed Mother. The Money Changers may have been a better choice since I don’t think Mary knows a little about cash or cleaning, I don’t care how immaculate she is.

If I’m being belligerently blasphemous, so be it.

Consuela wears her Christianity like a badge across her apron. “I a Ca-dish-chinJod is my lie-fff.” Sounds impressive right?

Why is my thong in such a tangle? She knows I’m not exactly hitting homers work wise at the moment. Why would I ask her to hold a check till Thanksgiving with my Tiffany watch as collateral?

My medical bills have immersed me in such debt that add-ins, like her and her trusty Electrolux, have truly become a luxury.

I’d love to give her a raise. I’m the horn of plenty remember, the one who over-tips, overdoes and is famous for going overboard generosity wise. After knowing me for fifteen years, I just felt her timing was a half-cup poor.

So, I’m Swiffing and sweeping, scrubbing and trudging on my own and you know what?

It blows.

I do not, and I repeat, do not possess the cleaning gene. Things somehow look dustier when I’m through. I find myself using an inhaler after I sponge down Lil, my ceiling fan, who I don’t ever remember being beige. I thought she was gray, with a charcoal shine. Clearly Consuela never bothered to Mr. Clean it as far as Lil’s concerned. The poor girl…and poor me…since I was covered with fifth and grime. No wonder I have allergies… and all along thought it was shellfish.

I think there may be a shrimp and a few oysters I owe apologies to.

I do love to Swiff though. It was a birthday gift given long ago, and the reason I enjoy it so is because once the cloth is the color of soot, I know I’m done for the day.

I live facing the avenue so the dirt from the windows could have it’s own reality show. I mean in one day the sills, floor and air-conditioner look as if they went down a coal mine.

I’m thinking of getting us all hard-hats on eBay.

However, I am determined to carry the torch, or mop in this case, and carry on alone.

And that novena Consuela promised as she was heading out the door without severance pay (I did offer her a pair of strappy sandals she said were too sinful looking), can just stay in the holy hopper for all I care.

If you’re a Christian, and I know this because I’m a lapsed one only taking from it what was good, you don’t kick a Thingirl, or her fan when we’re down.

This is when we are your fans no longer.

“Whirl whirl,” said Lil




About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in humor, New York City, Uncategorized, women, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Swiffly Fired

  1. jimmie chew says:

    my darn butt’n isnt working again, but good for you s.b. it was time for her to go!


  2. katecrimmins says:

    I let my guy housekeeper go about 2 years ago because he wasn’t doing a very good job. (What, clean BEHIND the faucet? No one looks there!) I lasted about 3 months doing it myself. I either never had the cleaning gene or they took it out with my appendix. Either way I totally relate and if push comes to shove, I may sell my Timex to keep the one I have now!


    • You’re so funny…glad to know I have a sister in the no clean gene category. The other thing is…we were meant to do other things Kate like writing, and reading, taking cats for their shots and drinking vats of Starbucks coffee which let’s face it, takes up a lot of time 🙂


  3. I have always wanted a cleaning lady…. But, I am terrible and would clean to have the house clean before she came… I see others with cleaning ladies and it looks wonderful, but so relate as far as budget goes and that would be a stretch. Ceiling fans? I have a few that need attention, but, I have learned others don’t see the dirt as much as you do. So, if my house starts to get to me dirt wise, I go out for an afternoon and somehow it doesn’t look as bad when I get home.. Good luck, hope you come into a bunch of cleaning lady money soon!


    • Thank you for sharing all of that. I’m a top notch straightener but as far as scrubbing goes, I pale next to the Hazels of the world. I like to live in order and cleanliness, and I’ve always paid for it. Before her I had her daughter-in-law who was great, but got a job at a doctor’s office which is why I inherited Consuela. Before that, I had an Irish girl who set me up to get broken into by leaving my security gates open but I was unexpectedly home and caught the rat coming through the window. In true, Italian, New York fashion chased him while my two cats looked on in wonder. Knew it was her…she was a savvy little thing and no one else had access. Prior to Bonnie Parker I had Brian, the sweetest guy who, when I looked sad, would wash all of my windows. But the gal I had the longest who I loved the most was Ruby, who was Chinese and had a little boy named Ching-Lee who came to me twice a month for 22 years. When Ching-Lee got old enough, she took all her hard earned money, and went back to China…


  4. MJ says:

    Take heart, Susannah! Inadequate dusting is a sign of genius. Picasso never had his studio cleaned, saying dust was a preservative. Although my hyperactive clean gene has caused me to ruin more things with washing, disinfecting, & the taking apart of what can’t be put together again, dusting is not my forte, either.


  5. I’ve never even owned a dishwashing machine. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I also live off a busy city street and dust is a constant problem. I just have to deal and grab the Lemon Scented Pledge and wipe everything down as best as I can. It’s amazing the pride you get in taking care of your own things. Weird, but amazing.


  6. Patricia says:

    I don’t mind cleaning. I kinda like it actually. That being said I am not compulsive about it. I figure nobody eats off the floor so it doesn’t need to be clean enough to eat off of it. That whole eat off the floor thing is stupid! Your home only needs to be clean enough to be healthy anything more is a waste of time.


  7. D. D. Syrdal says:

    Is this the International Housework Haters Guild meeting? I need to sign in. I like a clean house as much as anyone, but why can’t we have self-cleaning houses?


  8. skinnyuz2b says:

    Since 1979, when I took on a part-time job in addition to my regular one, I’ve paid to have my house vacumed, mopped, and lightly dusted. Then I do the in-depth things as I have time and energy. Getting the vacuming out of the way makes a big difference, and is a good compromise.
    If things got behind, I’d hire a niece or co-worker’s daughter to come in for a day or the weekend.
    And Susannah, I LOVE your ‘immaculate’ reference.


    • I’m expecting nuns to picket my apartment. I’m always amazed at bad timing…I wasn’t in the mood to lose her for many reasons. Not just the practical one, but she’s been in my life for a long time. I genuinely have, or had…no have…affection for her so I’m sad over the parting. She also cleaned for my late friend Nancy so there was that link as well. But Skinny, everything ends as we know sometime or another…I will wistfully Swiff and maybe another Consuela, an agnostic, will sweep into my life. Thanks for writing, as always.


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