I spent the morning looking for my favorite Tiffany fountain pen I’ve had for fifteen years. I had bought it for myself after selling my very first story to The Brooklyn Eagle for fifty bucks. It was a great day…
and no, I didn’t find it. I’m pretty sure it slipped from my bag after it dropped when I was crossing Fifth Avenue coming from the Apple Store.
I also can’t find a New Years card my dad had given me when I was eighteen. It’s customary to haul it out annually, wishing he were still here to give me another.
Did I throw it out by mistake…put it someplace else? I truly have no idea. My actions, as of late, have been foreign and erratic…this I know.
But the Big Kahuna is the loss of one’s friends, another heartfelt pain I’m forced to face.
Two people very close to me have gone away.
After crying so much my eyes looked half their size, I’ve picked myself up like I always do resigning to what is, rather than how I’d so wish it to be.
I get it from my mother who was like a tank whenever life threw her an unexpected curve.
I remember once coming into the kitchen finding her in tears while watering her plants. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and actually got annoyed at me for asking.
Unbeknownst to me, word had gotten out that she had fooled around on my dad and her niece and nephew, whom she really loved, would not be coming over for their usual Friday night spaghetti supper.
That night she cooked just the same, making the identical dish for me and my father, the most forgiving man in the world, as she would have made for them. There was a fresh tablecloth on the table with linen napkins rather than paper. And we even ate in the dining room instead of the kitchen.
I’ve been thinking about that night for the first time in years. How, despite her disappointment and ordeal of being judged, she nevertheless stayed her course.
I don’t know really why these certain individuals have acted so cruelly towards me especially at a time I need them the most.
A friend from 12 Step reminds me that they are not doing it to me, they are just doing it, a hard sell though when you’re heart is breaking.
But I have clearly inherited my mother’s inner strength because I too have stayed my course.
It’s a little lonelier to be sure, but I will do fine.
I will prevail…