Accepting What Is

I spent the morning looking for my favorite Tiffany fountain pen I’ve had for fifteen years. I had bought it for myself after selling my very first story to The Brooklyn Eagle for fifty bucks. It was a great day…

and no, I didn’t find it. I’m pretty sure it slipped from my bag after it dropped when I was crossing Fifth Avenue coming from the Apple Store.

I also can’t find a New Years card my dad had given me when I was eighteen. It’s customary to haul it out annually, wishing he were still here to give me another.

Did I throw it out by mistake…put it someplace else? I truly have no idea. My actions, as of late, have been foreign and erratic…this I know.

But the Big Kahuna is the loss of one’s friends, another heartfelt pain I’m forced to face.

Two people very close to me have gone away.

After crying so much my eyes looked half their size, I’ve picked myself up like I always doย  resigning to what is, rather than how I’d so wish it to be.

I get it from my mother who was like a tank whenever life threw her an unexpected curve.

I remember once coming into the kitchen finding her in tears while watering her plants. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and actually got annoyed at me for asking.

Unbeknownst to me, word had gotten out that she had fooled around on my dad and her niece and nephew, whom she really loved, would not be coming over for their usual Friday night spaghetti supper.

That night she cooked just the same, making the identical dish for me and my father, the most forgiving man in the world, as she would have made for them. There was a fresh tablecloth on the table with linen napkins rather than paper. And we even ate in the dining room instead of the kitchen.

I’ve been thinking about that night for the first time in years. How, despite her disappointment and ordeal of being judged, she nevertheless stayed her course.

I don’t know really why these certain individuals have acted so cruelly towards me especially at a time I need them the most.

A friend from 12 Step reminds me that they are not doing it to me, they are just doing it, a hard sell though when you’re heart is breaking.

But I have clearly inherited my mother’s inner strength because I too have stayed my course.

It’s a little lonelier to be sure, but I will do fine.

I will prevail…

and for this, I am grateful as I embark on a new year in spite of myself and my many problems.BD175334773D801F89CB7CD66F69F9 This was an ad I did for depression..thought it was apt.

SB

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About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Family, food, friendship, Gratitude, Love and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Accepting What Is

  1. jimmie chew says:

    hang in there s.b. they werent real friends if they leave you when you need them most, F them.

    Like

  2. skinnyuz2b says:

    Sometimes life just throws too much at us all at once. Sounds like you have the resilience to weather the storm and sail on. I’d say some four-legged company is in order.

    Like

  3. micklively says:

    I have every faith in the commercial potential of your appearance, Susannah, and it is undoubtedly a fine, if rather severe, picture, but I opine marketing depression will be a challenge.

    Like

  4. Lynn says:

    It is so incredibly disappointing & hurtful when someone we consider to be a good friend, for whatever reason, turns on us or doesn’t live up to our expectations. It has happened to me on a couple of occasions & interestingly when I looked as the situation, so much of it was about what was going on in their lives rather than in mine. Stay strong & continue to be who you are:)

    Like

    • I don’t know what happened with one, but the other involved his girlfriend who must be so happy we’re no longer friends. His behavior is a bit of a mystery to me but…like I said, I’ve moved on for better or worse. Thanks for your empathy.

      Like

  5. katecrimmins says:

    I lost two of my besties some time ago. One to mental illness (which was no one’s fault) and the other to something I don’t understand. She got angry with me over something (but I didn’t know what) and never wanted to talked about it. That was 15 years ago. She lives across country now but I still have a scar from it. Sometimes I think I have a wall to keep other newer friends from getting to the same place because it was so painful. I do connect with the ill person (she’s just a shell of the person my friend was) but there was no closure with the other. Powerful post.

    Like

  6. I have experienced this many times. I just sent you a message on your thingirl facebook page.

    Like

  7. Patricia says:

    I think you need a cat. Seriously, there are days that are so difficult but as the mother of a friend of mine said, “Life is good if you don’t weaken”. When I was a kid I didn’t know what she meant…now I do. And she was right. Sometimes life is the pits! But we are not meant to live there. You are a strong woman… I hear you roar!

    Like

  8. manty67 says:

    Beautiful photo even if it is for a very emotional subject.

    Like

  9. pmahaney says:

    Susannah…one word…SMILE, you have such a winning smile. Besides, your absence will be a loss for them because you have so much more to offer, and we all know it. You hang in there.

    Like

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