Going Brazilian

I received an unusual gift for no particular reason. A model friend and I were having lunch and she wanted to bring me something.

Hmm, she must have thought, what should I get Susannah, the girl who has everything…I know…how bout a zip from the pubic bone down.

It was a Brazilian bikini wax in a long, fancy box.

I thought…ooh…gloves.

My face fell when I opened it and it said…good for one complete scalping at Nina’s House of Wax. I threw in the scalping…it actually said, Brazilian Bikini that I wish meant, bra and thong. Sounds more like Madam Tussauds…on a towel.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have mixed feelings over this peculiar offering. Being plucked like a chicken isn’t much of a draw.

Couldn’t truthfully say…just what I always wanted.

She said men like women being smooth down there. images-3

“Really,” I said. “who are these men…sumo wrestlers?” Let them go have one to see what it’s like. images-6

Brought to mind a prop master I once dated. He went the other route…asked me if I’d mind growing out my hair…in all areas.

Hmm…had to think about that one. I liked him, making a heroic attempt, but nothing of much consequence grew. Short of fertilizing myself there was little I could do. He finally got disgusted starting a fatal fight with me screaming, “Maybe you should date a Chia Pet.”

I suppose I could have tried harder, like renting a gorilla suit, but we tend to think of solutions after the fact.

My friend suggested we go get plucked together apparently picking up on me being on the fence holding a shotgun. images-4

I’m all for cleaning up, but a boundary…south…just might have to be set.

Once, when I went in for a routine waxing…we models have to keep tidy since you never know what you’ll be asked to wear…and the waxer, on her cell phone while I writhed on the table, wasn’t paying proper attention to what she was doing giving me a Mohawk that should have come with feathers and a hatchet.  images-2  Morphine

The pain rivaled a drive-by shooting. I was shorter for a week so the thought of even less than that strip of bangs down the center of my crotch breaks me out into a sweat.  images-1

Maybe I can trade it in for something else, like a brow wax or maybe just some wax to go. I could use it on my floor.

What, it’s not that kind of wax you say?

Well let me ask you this…

would a pair of gloves have killed her?

SB

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About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Beauty, humor, modeling, sex, Uncategorized, women and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Going Brazilian

  1. Ouch…that’s all I have to say. A friend who wishes pain on you in no true friend. 🙂

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  2. micklively says:

    Very funny Susannah. Your (ex)friend is quite right, we do like you smooth, but we’re quite amenable to the application of a simple razor. Fairs fair: we’re not about to take a waxing kit to our faces.
    We need the geneticists to transfer male pattern baldness to lady-bits. I’m sure that must be do-able. And can they make man-juice taste like chocolate at the same time?

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  3. skinnyuz2b says:

    Oh, Susannah, I wish I could have seen your face when you opened the box.
    Back in 1972, before it was called a Brazilian, my roommates and I read an article in Cosmopolitan that stated men prefer you to be like a pre-teen down there. We all shaved ourselves and suffered until it grew back. We couldn’t wear underwear or pants. Midi and maxi skirts (we weren’t Paris Hilton-ish) and au-natural. Still hurts just to think about it.

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    • I’ll say it hurts…moderation, even in the wax department, is the smarter way to go. There’s an old Rita Rudner joke about her having natural childbirth…she said…only if her husband was in the next bed having a bikini wax…she was so funny…wonder where she is.

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  4. Jeanette Hamilton says:

    I always try to be gracious when given a gift, no matter how inappropriate, but I would have had a hard time with this one. Your story about the guy that wanted you to be hairy is hilarious…as my mother would say, “it takes all kinds.”

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    • I see him every once in a while and we at most, nod to each other. But it always passes through my mind…he likes a hairy girl. Yes, your mother’s on the money…takes all kinds. Nice hearing from you.

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  5. katecrimmins says:

    I must say I’m speechless. I did work with a young woman who raved about them to the point of making an appointment for a reluctant co-worker (she didn’t go). This whole thing is driving me back to granny panties. Besides men’s faces are so unkempt these days. Really? Where’s the justice?

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    • Wow…you’re never speechless. Men get away with murder looks wise, let’s face it. We, on the other hand, are like beauty cadets making sure we’re in tip top shape…shaved, raked, plucked…oiled…oh, I could keep going.

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  6. Elle Knowles says:

    I don’t even enjoy having my eyebrows waxed! What some women think they have to go through to please themselves or a man! HAHAHA Count me out!

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  7. oooh… brave lady if you go through with this… I am a wimp… my eyebrows are about my limit… I did my errant hairy lip before my daughter’s wedding and decided I really don’t love my other daughter that much because I will post hairy lipped for everything else! Great post, have missed you this week!

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  8. “Gift” is really a stretch here…dear lord whatever happened to giving someone a nice scarf.

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