May I Check Your Bags

I think I’m turning into an owl. images-5 If I start to hoot, then I’ll know for sure.

I’ve developed bags under my eyes I could smuggle heroin in they are that deep. I’m sleeping like a bear, watching my salt so it must be those dreaded hormones I’ve managed to outrun all this time. I was told, after fifty, funny things could happen to your skin like brown spots and shadows. I had no idea I’d be needing an eye job.

The idea of plastic surgery scares me to death. The thought of someone cutting open my skin to remove some is terrorizing. But what does a girl do when cucumbers have let her down. I’ve spent a small fortune to place them over my eyes every chance I get. I even carry some in a baggy (how apt) in case I can recline while waiting in line.

Do you think the United States Post Office, for instance, would mind if I stretched out till I heard NEXT!

Cukes reducing swelling is a myth. One of those Oprah tips she’s famous for, but where is she when yours is on the fritz? I even bought organic thinking they’d be better. Another rumor, and once they’re on your eyes for three quarters of an hour you really can’t add them to your salad, now can you. No, it’s a no-win all the way around.

Cover ups…I’ve cornered the market on every recommended concealer including one little item that rivaled my cable bill. All it does is make you look like you were spackled and not painted yet, like a wall that was caving in.

I’ve tried hot and cold compresses, steeped tea bags. I even went to see Madam Lavinia. No she’s a facialist, not a fortune teller, but that’s not a bad idea. Maybe one could tell me how long they’ll be sticking around. Perhaps a potion is in order. Camille knows a woman in Queens who said I’d have to bring her a live raccoon. I wonder why she assumed I wouldn’t be interested.

Could you see me in the park trying to convince one he’ll be back in an hour? images-6“You’ll only be consulting and how much trash might that cost me?”

As you can see, I’m attempting to address this with humor.images-1

I guess I’ve just been spoiled never having these issues before. With the exception of a little lapsed libido, I feel like a girl of 42.

Now I know why Jackie O wore those humungous glasses…she must have had them too.

Hoot Hoot.     Jackie-Jacqueline-Bouvier-Kennedy-Onassis-sunglasses Think this photo is big enough 🙂   All four courtesy of Google Images.

SB

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About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in animals, Beauty, humor, sex, Uncategorized, women and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to May I Check Your Bags

  1. micklively says:

    I’ve been told haemorrhoid cream works wonders. I’ve never tried it or, at least, not on my eyes. ;-0
    Maeve is determined to grow old (dis)gracefully and eshews all potions and treatments. Twice she has spent embarrassing amounts of money on “makes you ten years younger” cream but then she doesn’t apply it, so the results are indifferent, at best.

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    • Love…growing old disgracefully. That’s really funny Mick. Sorry for the late response. Was woikin…Yes, I’ve heard Preparation H can freeze your bags like a coupla pita pickets…hmmm…maybe I should dash to the drugstore.

      Like

  2. skinnyuz2b says:

    Susannah, I’ve suffered from insomnia since my teens. Have you tried melatonin (sp)? I did, and it works great. You just can’t use it too often or too many nights in a row or it loses it’s effect. And it’s not a heavy sleep aid that leaves you groggy the next day.
    Another trick I use is reading a mystery before bed. Then I lay and only let myself try to solve the mystery and think about the clues, instead of every other possible thought and worry under the sun.

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    • I sleep then wake up ten times a night, but always end up getting a good night’s rest even if it comes in intervals. I’m hoping this is temporary and my eyes deflate like a couple of dinghies very soon Skinny, and thanks for the melatonin tip.

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  3. That’s one reason I wear glasses instead of contacts. I’m always sleep deprived so I have bags under my eyes and glasses hide them a bit. The idea of cosmetic surgery around your eyes is pretty scary too.

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  4. Lisa says:

    I recently started using some Burt’s Bee’s eye cream because its in my price range and I’ve noticed I’m getting smile lines under my eyes. It says it takes 8 weeks of use to notice the difference so I can’t actually tell you if it works yet! But its well within my price range for my to at least try. And it has a nice fruity smell to it as well.

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  5. katecrimmins says:

    Eyes! When you are young they are so big and then when you get old, they seem to be so little. Perhaps it’s all the baggies around them. When you find something that works, you will post, won’t you? We peeps need to know!

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  6. MJ says:

    So funny you should write about cucumbers, Susannah! Last week I was detained at a food market on suspicion of stealing them. Seriously! After I readily produced the receipt proving I’d paid for the contents of my shopping bag—three small pickling cucumbers I‘d bought mainly because my canary loves them—I couldn’t help wondering why, of all the dozens of people exiting the store, I was the likely desperado. If I have to suffer the humiliation of being publicly detained as a criminal type, then let me be falsely accused of cat burglary, or hijacking Jaguars, or forging fine art. But $2.39 worth of cucumbers in a strip mall market? The security guard, a stout, swarthy guy who appeared to be about 40, responded with “Just doin’ my job, lady; you got a problem with that, see the store manager.” Then he smirked and looked over at a geeky clerk nearby who’d apparently been watching, and the two started sniggling like Beavis & Butthead. It didn’t dawn on me till later, when I was slicing up one of the cukes, that the things are really phallic-looking. I guess that’s what they found so amusing.

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    • Well, screw them and their sordid sense of humor. I like cucumbers the same way Jackie did…sliced and buttered on crustless thin slices bread. Forget the eye stuff…we’re better off eating them and I can’t imagine you stealing anything. That’s pretty funny though. And we know you have a temper that lays dormant…he’s lucky you didn’t stick one in his eye. Lol

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  7. MJ says:

    I like cucumbers, too, and big Jackie-esque sunglasses even more. They’re the perfect accessory for a face that’s too wide, among my other vulnerabilities, so I’ve worn them year round since my teens, often forgetting to take them off indoors. I probably had them on in the store, and that’s what made me look so shady. But vanity aside, wearing sunglasses during the day helps preserve night vision, good for us night owls.

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