A Sarong Gone Wrong

I know weight is a universal battle for many people, especially women. I’m very grateful it’s not one of my issues, though I have plenty of others.

I do think you have to discover what looks good on you, whatever your shape happens to be.

I’m tall and skinny, but my legs lengthen from the knees up, not down, therefore  something long doesn’t compliment me at all. My friend Camille’s legs do the opposite so when she slithers into a gown or skirt, she does it justice. I look like I’m wearing a potato sack that zips up the back.

She’s also chestier than I am brandishing cleavage like Elizabeth Taylor. I need to tape those babies up, so instead, go for tight and fitted rather than out and in your face.

I’ve mentioned another model we know named Tabitha who in her sixtieth year put on a few pounds. When we met at the Carlyle for drinks she was stuffed into a wraparound dress that had her spilling over the sides. It was an eyesore to say the least, like her skin was running away from home.

If it were me or Camille making such a fashion faux pas, we could tell the other in polite terms…IF  YOU DON’T GO HOME AND CHANGE YOU CAN’T COME TO DINNER… but because Tabitha is more of an acquaintance, it made the whole thing much harder.

I opted for tact.

‘Tabitha, isn’t that dress a little uncomfortable, the way it’s pulling across the front?” (her boobs were smashed against her chest like broken headlights)

“A little, but like my mom always said, you gotta suffer to be beautiful.”

“Yeah, but to what degree,” added Camille.

“You’re so beautiful Tabby. I bet you’d look great in a plain, straight sheath…you know, like Jackie always wore.”

“Ugh…she was so boring in all that Cassini crap. No, Versace has me all over it.”

“It certainly does,” said Camille. Tabitha is a little slow on the take so Camille’s digs eluded her for the most part. I of course, was mortified. I wanted her to change, not go home and hang herself.

It’s hard when your whole life has been about your looks because when they change, you better be ready. I look at myself sometimes and say, who the fuck are you? That’s not my cute button nose, and why are my thighs waving like banners? It’s like seeing yourself in a fun house mirror, just on your own wall.

I have to say men weren’t too turned off by Tabitha’s flesh that seemed to be expanding before our very eyes. I decided she was retaining water from all the bar nuts she was eating. Her body seemed to be suddenly filled with helium.

I knew Camille wanted to escape, but how. You didn’t want to hurt her sarong’s feelings. There had to be a way to get her safely into a blouse and a pair of pants.

Then the matter, like so many, was taken at least, out of my hands. A man at the bar   somehow knocked over my glass of red wine all over guess whose white, skimpy ensemble? Tabitha looked as if she’d been shot. I eyed Camille’s elbow whistling, pleading innocent.

“Oh no,” she said, “look at me. I can’t go to Tao like this.” Tao being a big social, pick-up place for sexy singles, the biggest reason I had no desire to go. Imagine the butcher’s but instead of Elsie, you’re the one featured on a hook.

Camille, pretending to feel bad shook her head.

“No you certainly can’t go like that…Let me put you in a cab…my treat, and we can go carouse another night.”

Tabitha, as though she were just hit over the head, let Camille do just that while I waited at the bar.

“Well you sure took care of that,” I said, when Camille got back.

‘”There was no way I was being seen with a 5 foot nine pork sausage on a Friday night.”

“And if it was a Wednesday?”

“I might have agreed to pizza.”



About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Beauty, Fashion, friendship, humor, New York City, sex, Uncategorized, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to A Sarong Gone Wrong

  1. It’s bad enough that every day people make these fashion faux pas, but when someone who has knowledge of “what not to do” does it….I’m left to just shake my head. Hooray for red wine is all I can say!! Sausage casting are not attractive on sausages, let alone people.


    • If my stomach even remotely makes an appearance, I’m swaddled in sweats and a T short the width of a tent…but some women just feel…this is who I am…I just wish they left some of themselves home.


  2. skinnyuz2b says:

    Susannah, I know what you mean about it being hard to adjust to a changing body. I’m 5’6″ and weighed 100 until my late 40s. Then I slowly gained 20 pounds until I hit my 50s. Everything was great until after 50. Those extra pounds began drifting to my mid-drift and I got a spare bicycle tire. No one felt sorry for me, including my two younger sisters. They all said it was about time! At 64, I’m still terribly self conscious about my little pooch that no one else probably notices at all.


  3. Ah Susannah, you had me at the title. 🙂 This is great. I never know what to do in awkward social situations like that where there are no right answers.


    • This will sound odd considering what I wrote, but there’s a part of me that admires her lack of self-consciousness. I, on the other hand, am plagued by what others think. If anyone remotely thought I was fat anyplace I’d stay permanently drunk til I was down to my fighting weight. Tabby’s a free spirit, and if Camille wasn’t so crafty, she might have just ignored that red stain across her front.


      • For some people it might be obliviousness, but for many it’s just a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem, which is definitely admirable. I’ve been going bald for the last few years, which can definitely be a blow to a guy’s self-esteem, but there’s value to being unapologetically yourself, no matter what you look like.


      • unapologetically yourself…well said David.


  4. micklively says:

    I don’t understand Camille’s attitude. Surely, being alongside someone who’s badly dressed makes you look all the better?


  5. katecrimmins says:

    I have a friend who dresses badly all the time. She is “portly” but could be attractive if she spent time which she is not interested in doing. For the most part I don’t mind. However, when we go to a nice event and she comes in cut-off jeans with a man’s oversized white tee-shirt and real shower flip-flops, I cringe. I don’t know why because it shouldn’t bother me. Maybe I’d just like to do a makeover on her but she doesn’t care. Of course Camille is over the top but that’s why we love her! That outfit was perfect for pizza and a beer.


    • All she needed was a trailer double-parked at the curb…Camille is all about ambiance and that includes what her friend’s are wearing. I tend to wear jeans a lot and she’ll call and say…no jeans…did you hear me?

      Your friend may look like Ellie May but she’s free. Caring how you look too much is an albatross. I’d like pizza and a beer right about now, and it’s only Monday.


  6. Patricia says:

    I was a skinny mini until my 30’s. Then since then I have gained 10 pounds a decade. I am a big girl now. Not huge obese…but round and soft. I’ ok and not ok with it…ok because I am now closer to 70 than 60 and I like myself and not ok because I am closer to 70 than 60 and I like myself. Make any sense at all? I also gain in the ditzy department every decade. Wonder how Camille and I would get along?


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