My Pal Jesus

I ran into a priest I know who gives a 5:30 mass on Fridays. I was so happy to see him that without thinking, I said I’d attend.

A lapsed Catholic of my word, I went, and by sitting in the front actually was able to hear since it’s in his church’s little chapel rather than its main sanctuary. Imagine a good size den with an altar.

Father George is young and talks from the heart as though he were seated at your kitchen table making him a very moving, not to mention popular, homilist.

In other words, he packs the pews.

He said we should stop looking at Jesus as some celestial entity and more as a friend we can talk to whenever we need one. Of course this got my attention imagining what it would be like to have a personal chat with the big guy.

So I thought, let’s call him.

Naturally, being so busy, his voice mail picked up.

Hi, this is Jesus Christ. Though it may seem I’m not at home, I am everywhere so please leave your name and time of your call and I’ll get back to you. I already have your number.

SB: “Hi, Jesus, it’s me Susannah and thought maybe we could do something later if you’re free. Have a glass of wine at my place perhaps…or take in a movie. Let me know.”

Half hour later

JC: “Hi, it’s the Lord and I apologize for not picking up. One of my Apostles got drunk again, but yeah, how bout I come by now? Don’t worry about hearing the bell. I’ll just let myself in.”

SB: “Great. I’ll be waiting.”

Before you could say, red wine or white, there he was in slouchy linen pants and a tunic and those famous leather sandals.

JC: “So nice to see you Susannah, it’s been a while. Shall I take off my shoes?”

SB: “If you don’t mind. Thanks for asking. Are they Italian by the way?”

JC: “Yes, Ferragamos, a Christmas gift from St. Francis, you know, of Assisi?”

SB: “Of course, everybody knows St. Francis”.

JC: “Been waiting for your call actually.”

SB: “Well, you know how we sinners are, I always think you’re mad at me.”

JB: “Why, just because you keep stealing rolls from the bread truck downstairs? Come on, that’s no biggie, and you know how I feel about bread. Here, I even brought you a loaf…it’s a seeded rye from Balducci’s.”

SB: “How thoughtful of you Jesus. Thanks so much. I’ll toast it for breakfast.”

JB: “So what’s on your mind, tell me.”

SB: “I’m broke for starters. And as you know my hearing is off and well Jesus, I’m just not very happy these days.”

JC: “What if I told you good things were on their way.”

SB: “You mean like the second coming?”

JC: “You don’t beat around the burning bush, do you?”

SB: “I don’t want to be rude Jesus, but you’ve been saying you’re coming back for a while now. Your credibility is vague at best and I’m thinking the Book of Revelations might need a rewrite. I mean, things are so weird all over the world that, you should have been back by now.”

JB: “I know, what can I say. I’m a procrastinator not to mention a Capricorn.”

SB: “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. Look, I don’t mean to criticize, and these little visits are nice, but you need to speak to your dad and fix a few things, like global warming, and those Republicans in Congress who won’t pass the unemployment extension. And how about the Taliban. Can’t you request a meeting. I mean if you can’t who can?”

JC: “I’m sorry to see your faith so shaky, and I’m even sorrier I have to leave. There’s a gal in Cleveland who asked me to dinner months ago. I’m worried I’ll hit traffic.”

SB: “But you just got here. We haven’t even touched on my non-existent love life.”

JC “I know, I know, but call me tonight, we can talk on the phone a bit more. There really should be 12 of me. I keep telling my father that, but he accuses me of being lazy. And let’s face it, those Apostles are more or less useless.”

SB: “Oh God.”

JC: “Exactly.”

I watched him take the window instead of the stairs because he said it was faster while giving me the peace sign.images

See, even in my biblical fantasy men leave.




About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
This entry was posted in Faith, friendship, humor, Women and men and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

37 Responses to My Pal Jesus

  1. jimmie chew says:

    πŸ™‚ youre too funny


  2. edwardcres says:

    Very droll. Keep your eye out for lightning strikes.


  3. That was great, Susannah. I loved it. So many charming little touches, like leaving through the window. πŸ™‚


  4. micklively says:

    Blasphemy! We should have you burnt at the stake.
    Next time he shows up, could you ask him a few for me, please?
    Like: I know cruxifiction is a horrible way to go but, actually, compared with lockjaw, liver cancer, polio, AIDS, all of which were sent by his Dad, it’s all over in a matter of hours and so, in the great scheme of things, not so bad. So how does this ease of passing fit with Christian teaching?
    His Mum was a virgin, allegedly. Could he comment on his genetic make-up? I mean, is he a clone of himself? Does he have a Y chromosome and, if so, where did he get it?
    Does his middle name really begin with an H?
    Could he do something about Dan Brown?


  5. katecrimmins says:

    This was so great! However, I am stunned. You steal rolls from a truck? I guess a girl has got to eat, even a skinny one.


  6. MJ says:

    So funny, Susannah! You could be channeling Teresa of Avila, the Spanish saint who told JC β€œIf this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so many enemies.”


    • Did she really say that? She’s the one who levitated, am I right?


      • MJ says:

        Yes! And you are right, she did levitate, or “astral project”. At one point the Pope abandoned Rome and took up residence in Avignon, much to Teresa’s disapproval. After he reluctantly agreed to return, she spooked him by appearing at every point in the journey where he tried to turn back, all the while remaining in her convent in Spain.


      • I didn’t know any of that. You’re like a biblical encyclopedia MJ πŸ™‚


  7. MJ says:

    Oops, not quite! Catherine of Siena was the nun involved in the Avignon business. But the quote is defintely Teresa of Avila’s, who had no qualms about speaking her mind to JC or anyone else.


  8. <3, He has heard what you have said, and I am hoping and believing He will give you your heart's desire. ❀


  9. Elle Knowles says:

    Funny funny. It could happen that way! And your comments could be a whole other post!


  10. This is exactly how I have always imagined Jesus…Ferragamo sandals and all! My favorite part was the exit with a peace sign! That’s how J rolls.


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