I ran into a priest I know who gives a 5:30 mass on Fridays. I was so happy to see him that without thinking, I said I’d attend.
A lapsed Catholic of my word, I went, and by sitting in the front actually was able to hear since it’s in his church’s little chapel rather than its main sanctuary. Imagine a good size den with an altar.
Father George is young and talks from the heart as though he were seated at your kitchen table making him a very moving, not to mention popular, homilist.
In other words, he packs the pews.
He said we should stop looking at Jesus as some celestial entity and more as a friend we can talk to whenever we need one. Of course this got my attention imagining what it would be like to have a personal chat with the big guy.
So I thought, let’s call him.
Naturally, being so busy, his voice mail picked up.
Hi, this is Jesus Christ. Though it may seem I’m not at home, I am everywhere so please leave your name and time of your call and I’ll get back to you. I already have your number.
SB: “Hi, Jesus, it’s me Susannah and thought maybe we could do something later if you’re free. Have a glass of wine at my place perhaps…or take in a movie. Let me know.”
Half hour later
JC: “Hi, it’s the Lord and I apologize for not picking up. One of my Apostles got drunk again, but yeah, how bout I come by now? Don’t worry about hearing the bell. I’ll just let myself in.”
SB: “Great. I’ll be waiting.”
Before you could say, red wine or white, there he was in slouchy linen pants and a tunic and those famous leather sandals.
JC: “So nice to see you Susannah, it’s been a while. Shall I take off my shoes?”
SB: “If you don’t mind. Thanks for asking. Are they Italian by the way?”
JC: “Yes, Ferragamos, a Christmas gift from St. Francis, you know, of Assisi?”
SB: “Of course, everybody knows St. Francis”.
JC: “Been waiting for your call actually.”
SB: “Well, you know how we sinners are, I always think you’re mad at me.”
JB: “Why, just because you keep stealing rolls from the bread truck downstairs? Come on, that’s no biggie, and you know how I feel about bread. Here, I even brought you a loaf…it’s a seeded rye from Balducci’s.”
SB: “How thoughtful of you Jesus. Thanks so much. I’ll toast it for breakfast.”
JB: “So what’s on your mind, tell me.”
SB: “I’m broke for starters. And as you know my hearing is off and well Jesus, I’m just not very happy these days.”
JC: “What if I told you good things were on their way.”
SB: “You mean like the second coming?”
JC: “You don’t beat around the burning bush, do you?”
SB: “I don’t want to be rude Jesus, but you’ve been saying you’re coming back for a while now. Your credibility is vague at best and I’m thinking the Book of Revelations might need a rewrite. I mean, things are so weird all over the world that, you should have been back by now.”
JB: “I know, what can I say. I’m a procrastinator not to mention a Capricorn.”
SB: “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. Look, I don’t mean to criticize, and these little visits are nice, but you need to speak to your dad and fix a few things, like global warming, and those Republicans in Congress who won’t pass the unemployment extension. And how about the Taliban. Can’t you request a meeting. I mean if you can’t who can?”
JC: “I’m sorry to see your faith so shaky, and I’m even sorrier I have to leave. There’s a gal in Cleveland who asked me to dinner months ago. I’m worried I’ll hit traffic.”
SB: “But you just got here. We haven’t even touched on my non-existent love life.”
JC “I know, I know, but call me tonight, we can talk on the phone a bit more. There really should be 12 of me. I keep telling my father that, but he accuses me of being lazy. And let’s face it, those Apostles are more or less useless.”
SB: “Oh God.”
See, even in my biblical fantasy men leave.