More Things That Elude Me

Blue, black and green nail polish…it looks as if you caught your toes in a car door and fingers, a vice. I really can’t see the allure of black and blue extremities, yet they’re all the rage it seems. I’m tempted to ask, “Does it hurt when you walk and wiggle your thumbs?”

Dog booties, in the middle of summer….now I can see, because of the salt after a winter storm getting into their sweet, little paws, boots can solve the problem, but despite Global Warming, no snow is expected in mid July. Why then I ask you, is there a Newfoundland parked in front of my house at this very moment wearing argyles? He must feel very silly, not to mention hot.

Doctors who smoke.Β  images-1

Public Parks you can’t sit in…there’s an array of signage stating…No Sitting On The Grass…throughout Central Park. I’m told blankets and perspiring rear ends cause the verdant lawn to turn brown. But it’s grass….it will happily reinvent itself having been of service to the public. A man I know with his two children was issued a warning….NO SITTING ON THE GREAT LAWN. They ended up going home to picnic at their kitchen table.

Standing air-conditioners in Starbucks…why would anyone want to sip coffee as though they were sitting on a tarmac having their ears blown out. It’s so noisy half the seats are empty…and maybe that’s the point. They want you to spend a fortune then leave. The temperature is also turned up to freezing so unless you’re wearing snow pants, you don’t even have the option to stay. The next time Starbucks Central asks me to take one of their up your ass surveys, I will bring this to their attention.

images-2 Breasts bouncing around the avenue, like eggs sunny side up, at 7 in the morning.

Cheap dates…if a man asks a girl out, why would he want to get off on the wrong foot by saying…let’s go Dutch. That better mean a trip to the Netherlands if he ever wants to see me again. And I ask you, would a toasted scone and a cup of tea really have broken the bank? If he calls again, I’ll say…”Susannah moved to Paris where the Euro is much stronger than the dollar.”

Gladiator sandals…they are so ugly I wouldn’t wear them if I were a gladiator. They creep up your leg like bondage giving one that Apostle look that, unless you have a tasseled robe to match, just doesn’t work. Flip Flops, I also hate, are actually preferable.

Kids, 8 and under, with iPhones.Β  images-1

Ghetto pants at half mast…if my thong creeps up or down an inch, I have to duck into the nearest hallway to adjust it, that’s how irritating it is. I don’t understand how these young boys can get through their day while their pants are down around their thighs. Is this a sexual convenience I’m not privy to…one can heave-ho at the drop of a hat, or in this case, zipper?Β  Screw the grass, they should give out fines for having to see boxer shorts in assorted colors while on the train.

People who talk about themselves…how boring to hear a person rave about his alleged brilliance. I always want to ask for a reference other than his own. Prove your intellectual prowess….explain why I should be in such awe of you. I’d like to see it please and in this case, size won’t matter. I want to see you pull a rabbit out of your hat…or better yet, your ass since it’s showing because of those droopy pants you’ve got on.

Now that would impress me.

SB

 

 

 

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About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Fashion, humor, kids, New York City, sex, Women and men and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to More Things That Elude Me

  1. katecrimmins says:

    OMG! We are alike! Black nails, yuk! I am a purist, I like the pinks and reds and French. Mega fans in food places. Bars are especially annoying. Why would I want to drink a cold brew if I’m freezing? Dutch treat? Ain’t ever gonna see me again. Low slung pants gives me the itch to pull them down and let the world see the little wiener. An yes, I also got yelled at for trying to picnic in a local park what was foot traffic only (unless you were a rabbit or squirrel. Those are allowed to eat on the lawn.)

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  2. Lisa says:

    I wonder if the nail colors is a generational thing. I love wearing blues and purples and teal (cause I can’t find a green I like on). I wear lighter colors during the warm months and darker colors during the cold months. Can’t say I’ve worn black since I was younger though I had some Sally Hansen colors that are so dark they’re like half black half purple or blue. Those I haven’t worn for a few years though cause they crack and chip too easily. I actually rarely like to were red or pink lol

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    • You’re a young, beautiful bride there Lisa. You could wear a bag over your head and successfully call it fashion. I like red too…my toes are drenched in it all year round. I’ve been asked, why do you get pedicures in the winter when no one sees your feet…what do you mean no one? I see them. LOL

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  3. Now I’m trying to imagine all these points, at least many, combined in one terrible person. πŸ™‚ I’ve never understood about smoking doctors either. How much cognitive dissonance does it take to look at x-rays of smoke-charred lungs and then nip out for a smoke break?

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  4. Patricia says:

    Well, I am old and I like funky toes…not fingers though. And I love flip flops! I often wonder about fat doctors. And as for those pants pulled down so the crotch is at the knees…seems uncomfortable. I also don’t understand women who wear pants that are up their cracks. It’s just ugly. Teddy say meow.

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  5. micklively says:

    There is nothing quite so insensible as expecting the world, and the folk in it, to make sense. We’re all nuts. How else could we survive?
    It makes interesting reading though: keep up the good work.

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  6. micklively says:

    p.s. I’ve never understood how you take a piss when your fly-hole is half-way to your knees. Surely, flies, Y-front flap and knob have to line up, else pissy pants ensue? Who’d want to sort all that out in a hurry?

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  7. micklively says:

    p.s.s. Maybe that’s the way forward. Whenever you see a young man sporting the half-mast look, ask him if he sits down to pee.

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  8. The doctors/nurses smoking….paleeeeze! Even worse is doing it while hiding in the bushes since there is a no smoking policy at the hospital that employs their asses. I’m with you 100% on all of the above!

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  9. Elle Knowles says:

    Yes! Great minds must think alike. My thoughts exactly, but you put it into words a lot better than I could have. Great post!

    Like

  10. skinnyuz2b says:

    Great list, Susannah. The family physician I grew up with smoked a cigar while examining us. And the ghetto pants are ‘ass’inine.
    Back in 1972 I was in my senior year of college at St. Norbert near Green Bay, Wisc. I bought some black nail polish here in NY. It was new on the market and not yet available in the mid-west. I literally had strangers constantly ask where I got it. For a brief moment I was a fashion icon.

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