Blue, black and green nail polish…it looks as if you caught your toes in a car door and fingers, a vice. I really can’t see the allure of black and blue extremities, yet they’re all the rage it seems. I’m tempted to ask, “Does it hurt when you walk and wiggle your thumbs?”
Dog booties, in the middle of summer….now I can see, because of the salt after a winter storm getting into their sweet, little paws, boots can solve the problem, but despite Global Warming, no snow is expected in mid July. Why then I ask you, is there a Newfoundland parked in front of my house at this very moment wearing argyles? He must feel very silly, not to mention hot.
Public Parks you can’t sit in…there’s an array of signage stating…No Sitting On The Grass…throughout Central Park. I’m told blankets and perspiring rear ends cause the verdant lawn to turn brown. But it’s grass….it will happily reinvent itself having been of service to the public. A man I know with his two children was issued a warning….NO SITTING ON THE GREAT LAWN. They ended up going home to picnic at their kitchen table.
Standing air-conditioners in Starbucks…why would anyone want to sip coffee as though they were sitting on a tarmac having their ears blown out. It’s so noisy half the seats are empty…and maybe that’s the point. They want you to spend a fortune then leave. The temperature is also turned up to freezing so unless you’re wearing snow pants, you don’t even have the option to stay. The next time Starbucks Central asks me to take one of their up your ass surveys, I will bring this to their attention.
Cheap dates…if a man asks a girl out, why would he want to get off on the wrong foot by saying…let’s go Dutch. That better mean a trip to the Netherlands if he ever wants to see me again. And I ask you, would a toasted scone and a cup of tea really have broken the bank? If he calls again, I’ll say…”Susannah moved to Paris where the Euro is much stronger than the dollar.”
Gladiator sandals…they are so ugly I wouldn’t wear them if I were a gladiator. They creep up your leg like bondage giving one that Apostle look that, unless you have a tasseled robe to match, just doesn’t work. Flip Flops, I also hate, are actually preferable.
Ghetto pants at half mast…if my thong creeps up or down an inch, I have to duck into the nearest hallway to adjust it, that’s how irritating it is. I don’t understand how these young boys can get through their day while their pants are down around their thighs. Is this a sexual convenience I’m not privy to…one can heave-ho at the drop of a hat, or in this case, zipper? Screw the grass, they should give out fines for having to see boxer shorts in assorted colors while on the train.
People who talk about themselves…how boring to hear a person rave about his alleged brilliance. I always want to ask for a reference other than his own. Prove your intellectual prowess….explain why I should be in such awe of you. I’d like to see it please and in this case, size won’t matter. I want to see you pull a rabbit out of your hat…or better yet, your ass since it’s showing because of those droopy pants you’ve got on.
Now that would impress me.