Case Of The Missing Panties

images-1I’m very disturbed due to the whereabouts of a beige, lacy thong last seen in my bathroom sink. I came home from work, pooped, but like a good Catholic girl (though lapsed), rinsed them out in Ivory and put them somewhere to dry.

At least, I thought that’s what happened.

I’d like to say they were left in someone’s bed as a memento, but unless I fooled around with the bus driver and can’t remember, it’s not the case.

My friend Ed tells me it’s geezerhood, and to just accept it when you find your wallet in the fridge and shoes in the tub. It’s just part of getting older.

Okay, but what do you call an outright disappearance? Or whom do you call…911 for assistance? Hello, could you please send an ambulance for what’s left of my fucking mind?

They’ve been at large for 72 hours. Isn’t that long enough to be considered legally missing? I’ve looked everywhere…they’re gone.

They didn’t just walk out by themselves, and unless I truly have early dementia, no one has been here to steal nor borrow their silky fit.

Did I throw them out in my exhausted haze? I even made sure I wasn’t still wearing them, like when you’re looking for your glasses and they’re sitting on top of your head.

They were Calvins and fit like a thong should…snug but roomy, soft yet sturdy enough to see you through the day. Think of sensible shoes, but made by Manolo.

Maybe it’s at the police station eating an ice-cream cone.

If you happen to see it, perhaps on a milk carton, it’s an extra small with a tiny pink rose on the front.

I’m offering a reward…the bra that goes with it.






About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
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26 Responses to Case Of The Missing Panties

  1. backonmyown says:

    If I find them I will return them. They’re much too small for me. πŸ™‚


  2. micklively says:

    Are you sure they didn’t go down the plug-hole? As AC-D says, when you’ve eliminated all other possibilities, the one that’s left must be the truth. Happy hunting! πŸ˜‰


  3. skinnyuz2b says:

    Susannah, is this the beginning of ‘Sisterhood of the traveling underpants’?


  4. katecrimmins says:

    I think it ran off with my left athletic sock. The sock was a jock sock and you know how persuasive they can be especially with sexy little things. He is probably having his way with her as we speak.


  5. MJ says:

    August is National Underwear Month, so who knows what uncanniness there be in that. Yesterday I put my panties on backwards—which I realized as soon as I pulled ’em up—so I took ’em off, checked the label, and pulled up ’em up backwards AGAIN. These were bikini panties, allowing for a slightly greater margin of wearer-error than a thong, but they had to be possessed. It seemed sacrilegious to sprinkle holy water on panties, so I put on a maxi dress and went without. Susannah, somewhere between the extremes of dementia and poltergeists lies the most likely culprit for these inexplicable things: stress. The circuits aren’t old, they’re on overload!


    • Yes, sans knickers might be the way to go MJ. I’m just too attached to my undies it seems. Need to rethink their importance. As long as the two of us don’t walk up stairs I think we’ll both me fine…


      • MJ says:

        Oh, I’m still committed to panties! It’s wrap skirts that I’ve banished from my life. One day I felt a jerk and something amiss, then turned to see mine whoosh away in a revolving door. I happened to be wearing the nicest ones I had, but the memory still makes me cringe. After my impromptu one-woman Victoria’s Secret show, I took refuge behind the credenza in the lobby, while a security guy liberated my skirt.


      • Liberation in any form should be celebrated…I bet you look nice in that wrap skirt being so tall and stately.


  6. Patricia says:

    I don’t think I have ever lost my panties. I did lose the bottom of my bikini bathing suit but that is a story for another day.


  7. Hahahaha! Did you check the freezer? For some reason the strangest things seem to head in that direction.


  8. Elle Knowles says:

    I’ve had a phone MIA for almost a year now. I can only believe I picked it up with the newspapers and threw in the trash. This house is not big enough to lose too much! πŸ™‚


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