No Ifs Hands Or Butts

images-2ย I have a stock phrase whenever I’m asked what I’d like for Christmas. It’s something like…not much, just Carolina Herrera, an Asian baby and an ass like Jennifer Lopez.”

Hey, a girl can dream.

Camille, my long time pal, has one I’ve forever been envious of, and she, like anything else we’ve had since birth, treats it with casual indifference.

“Oh big deal,” she’ll say when I tell her how great she looks in a pair of pants. “Your ass is just fine.”

“Stop lying.”

“Alright, so it could use a little padding, but look at the rest of you?”

This consoles for a split second till I see my behind in a mirror looking as if it was stolen right out of my jeans.

We have to make the most of what we have, this I know. My legs are still long and slim, so dresses camouflage my humble hindquarters so who would know. Trouble is, I love leggins and jeans that do tend to make me look like a crayon, and who wants to skip around in a dress all day?

Luckily it bothers me less and less. That’s age for you. It whittles down what’s important and looking like Charlie Chaplin from the rear doesn’t make the cut.

Camille has a waist issue I don’t have, something she reminds of when I’m busy coveting her butt. “You can still wear little tight shirts, when I can’t…unless I want to look like a stuffed pepper that is.”

I laugh when she says this.

It’s certainly a plus when you can make fun of yourself and your anatomical shortcomings.

I also remind her I have hands like catcher’s mitts while hers are slim and elegant.

She tells me to expect another pair of gloves this Christmas to conceal my mitts.

This is usually when one of us says, “Another round please, and make it a triple.”



About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
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16 Responses to No Ifs Hands Or Butts

  1. micklively says:

    If you ever do remember where you left your magic wand, be careful what you waft it at. Jennifer’s bum would just look all wrong on you. You’d look like a snake that had swallowed a basketball. Maybe go for Nicole Scherzinger’s or Cheryl Cole’s instead. ๐Ÿ˜‰


  2. Elle Knowles says:

    Funny how our bodies change so much with age- and I know I don’t do anything different than what I was doing thirty years ago!


    • I was told recently by a wardrobe woman who had to dress me for something…it was as if she were clothing an ironing board. I didn’t know if I liked that, but out of 10 women everything fit and I got out of there in a flash. Always an upside.


  3. katecrimmins says:

    Sounds so familiar. There are things I wish I had but overall when I am with friends in my age group, I look pretty damn good. I often am carded to prove that I am over 65 for the discount. I was carded for drinking purposes until way after 35. Yet I long for a nicer ass myself. Just a little bump out the back.


    • You do look great Kate…I think it’s those cats…they’ve put a spell on you. That Jake…and maybe Hazel does something to your cold cream while you’re at Starbucks. And Morgan…nothing like a kid around to make you feel and act younger ๐Ÿ™‚


  4. I agree, it’s always good to be able to laugh at your physical shortcomings, since the alternative, self-loathing, is much less fun. I love your title, by the way. You’re so witty. ๐Ÿ™‚


  5. MJ says:

    Rejoice, Susannah! According to one of those pop psychology books—authored by a male psychiatrist—there’s a correlation between a man’s IQ / social development and which part of the female anatomy he favors most, aside from the vagina. With the choices narrowed to legs, boobs, or ass, the high achievers chose legs, Joe Average chose boobs, and the cretins chose ass. Another study indicated that waist trumps weight, and the hourglass rules, whether as subtle as Hepburn’s or as dramatic as Parton’s.


  6. skinnyuz2b says:

    Back in my mid-twenties a boyfriend called me Tiny Hiney. The nickname was cute the first couple of times, then it and he went the way of the Do-do bird.


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