Sex Drugs And Co-Pays

Camille and I had a libido to libido talk…sober, if you could believe that.

To break it down, neither of us is getting laid while taking various medications shelling out money to one doctor after another.

What happened to strappy sandals and margaritas in the afternoon?

I for one stopped drinking. When I was sick a month ago my taste buds went south, even for a nice glass of Cabernet at the Carlyle.

Nothing is more depressing than going out with drinkers when you’re not drinking, for them and…you. They feel self-conscious while you’re uncomfortable when their behavior pops a seam. “Hey you in that tweedy jacket…wanna come join us…yeah I mean you.”

You excuse yourself with a headache forgetting it was your line.

And as far as canoodling with that jacket goes…even the minibar in his room holds little appeal while your La Perla underwear collects dust.

Camille and I are very depressed over what I can only call a mean case of the early 60s. She’s taking a water pill she claims makes her skin like a saddle while I’m still recovering from all the Prednisone I was on.

I tell her we’re just not used to our new decade yet. It’s not exactly cozy perched on a slab in a paper dress while a doctor with a miner’s hat checks your butt for melanoma.

That will be 25 dollars please.

I’ve shelled out so many co-pays this month just for maintenance, it’s a pity my body doesn’t come with a warranty. “You’re 60 now Susannah…you need to make sure everything’s still running properly,” I’m told by the…who asked you people. They were running just great at 59…why do I suddenly feel like a Chevy whose speedometer kicked over.

I’d like to say I’m taking all this better than Camille, but I’m not. We’re both very cranky over what appears to be the new norm.

I love when someone says, “Well what’s the alternative?” Meaning six feet under or burnt to a crisp.

I can think of a few, like Jello Shots and being first in line at the Saks semi-annual Friends and Family Sale.

Maybe I’ll even pen Tom Ford a note suggesting he design a chicer paper dress so at least a girl can feel glamorous having her rear examined like its at NASA.

Of course when you’re told everything’s okey-doke you breathe a sigh of relief, until Doc says, “See you in six months, and that will be 25 dollars please.”



About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
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26 Responses to Sex Drugs And Co-Pays

  1. Elle Knowles says:

    So…when I turn 60 in December this is what I can look forward to? It’s hell getting old isn’t it? I’ve for some reason been thinking on the subjects of wills and executors of our estate and beneficiaries for the past few weeks! And I used to laugh when I saw those commercials!


  2. micklively says:

    Like the Chevy, perhaps you need a rebore.


  3. Jeanette Hamilton says:

    I just “celebrated” my 62nd birthday and I agree wholeheartedly that this decade sucks. The worst part for me is how I have to carefully parcel out my energy. After a long day at work, I can barely drag myself to the gym for a quick quasi-workout, whereas in my younger years I could work at my attorney job all day, work out, then go out for drinks and dinner. It’s like I’m a whole different person. Don ‘t even get me started on all those weird miscellaneous aches and pains. However–it does beat pushing up daisies; but there’s no doubt that aging is a real drag.


    • I feel I need to make an apology to whom it may concern. It should have been funnier. I feel as if I brought something up on a Friday no one really wanted to think about on the weekend.

      Should have went with my pajama piece 🙂


  4. skinnyuz2b says:

    What makes me frustrated at being 60+ is seeing a great outfit meant for a teen or 20ish, knowing I could wear it better than half those currently wearing it, but also knowing that at my age I’d look like a desperate fool. No fair!
    I substitute teach and not once, but TWICE, have had a youngster (both boys) ask me what happened to my hands. They were referring to the giant veins and bones on the top of my hands. I’ve never had a cushy layer of fat on them to hide the veins and bones. I had old lady hands when I was 10. Oh well, makes for a funny story.


    • But Skinny, you’re so skinny you could probably pull it off…of course you might feel funny in those leopard tights with zippers across the crotch, but you’d make a helluva Sheena of the jungle 🙂


      • skinnyuz2b says:

        My two sisters, 9 and 15 1/2 years younger, always tell me I’ll be walking in the mall and a group of young studs will go “Wow look at her!” as they see me from behind. They’ll speed up to check me out and run away, because I’ll have an apple face. You know, those dried up apples with a witches face carved in them? Gotta love little sisters!


      • I’m certain skinny you’re still very, very beautiful. I truly mean that. And what do those little imps know anyway.


  5. katecrimmins says:

    “It’s not exactly cozy perched on a slab in a paper dress while a doctor with a miner’s hat checks your butt for melanoma.” I know exactly what you mean! My skin doc keeps his office way too cold for me so I have started bringing a fleece throw. I put it on over the paper dress that is made for someone at least 200 lbs more than me. Maybe even as a runner for a Thanksgiving table. They always laugh but I don’t care. My dentist gets squirty with the water thingie. After getting drenched a few times too many I started bring my own towel to use under their tiny paper tower they clip on. One thing about age is that you don’t care what the docs think and you can come up with some solutions to everything but those nasty co-pays. Oh yes, definitely don’t like going out with big drinkers either. I have one drink. They have whatever and get goofy. It’s not as funny as it used to be.


    • I love to drink so I hope this sober period ends soon…my palate wants weird things like peanut sauce, straight and pastina, the kind of pasta you had when you were little.

      I hate all doctors, except for my ENT who lets me cry without saying I need to be institutionalized. It’s those little things.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. gmg says:

    Always loved what Bette Davis said. “Getting old ain’t for sissies.” Join the club!!


  7. Working in a doctor’s office patients are always telling me “don’t get old”, “don’t retire that’s all you do is go to see doctors” and my favorite “stay vertical.”
    I say you and Camille are probably rocking 60 like no ones business with your chic style and badassness! When I turn 60 I want to be just like you!


  8. I’ve been reading the comments, and I can say that I saw the humor in it…although maybe that’s only because I have a few decades before I get there. Of course, already I can tell that I’m not as young as I used to be, and that phrase alone is a little depressing. 🙂


    • You’re a puppy still. I tried to make it funny but see I hit a few nerves. Hey…what can a writer do except write what comes up even if it may seem like a body bobbing in a lake…lOL


      • Exactly, you get back down from topics just because some people don’t like them. By the way, I saw on IMDB that your birthday is July 18, is that right? That’s my wife’s birthday too.


      • Yes…I’m a fire cracker, as my mother used to say. It’s Nelson Mandela’s birthday also…and Red Skelton…LOL Now I’ll always remember your wife’s too.


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