Mirror Mirror On Za Vall

Please lie to me, I often say to my compact. Sometimes I go to powder my nose and that’s all I see. When did it inflate into a life raft?

What inspired this suicidal post were my passport photos, all 6 sets of them. Yes, I did have them retaken just a few times. I found this great place on YELP cheap cheap cheap. Of course I blamed my Jimmy Durante on them and their low prices.

Like Camille said, “You get what you pay for honey, I always tell you that.”

“Are you saying I should have gone to Annie Liebowitz instead of Copy Cat on first and 83rd?”


I’m not even planning a trip so why am I putting myself through such facial torture. I could have had my make-up professionally done I suppose, and my hair blown out…better than my brains after seeing multiple shots of my wrinkles.

“Did he adjust the lighting?” Camille wanted to know.

“Camille, the place was the size of a shoebox owned by a guy named Haim…it wasn’t exactly MGM.”

“You know so many photographers, why would you go there?”

“Because it’s a passport picture, not a Vogue editorial, besides…I’m really not all that upset.”

“Is that why you just asked for rum in your orange juice?”

“Isn’t this brunch?”

“Not at 8 a.m. it’s not.”

Alright I’ll admit it…I’M FUCKING VAIN.

Part of the problem was, Haim refused to let me give him my best side. He kept saying, “Meez, you moost ton all za vay too me…alf a face…noo good.”

“Whole face, noo good either.”

I always turn three quarters, if I don’t my face looks like one of the planets…big and round, with an array of parallel lines. Instead of blush, I could use a protractor.

So 6 sets of pictures later, how much is 8.95 times 6 anyway….see it pays to find a cheap place so when you take that many, it won’t cost you your shirt.

I just got the great name of a joint in Chinatown. They charge only 7 bucks…don’t tell Camille. She’s still hoping I’ll call Annie.

So what do ya think? It was the best so far. Β  images





About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Fashion, humor, modeling, New York City, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to Mirror Mirror On Za Vall

  1. When the DMV bitch would not let me have a “take 2” on my license I just thought well, when people see it they’ll say “WOW you look so much better than your photo.” Sadly no one has said it yet, but I must hold on to the thought or that bitch is going down.


  2. Zis is not zo bad, but your gurman is notzo good. :o) It mus be za spanx.


  3. joan blake says:

    Don’t stop writing! Made me laugh — the last passport photo I took — I wasn’t even sure it was me. The man asked me to let him take it over — I just looked in the mirror and back to the photo – It was me! Oh well


  4. Elle Knowles says:

    Funny funny Susannah! At least it’s not something you have to whip out often and you don’t have to share on Facebook! πŸ˜‰ I am so un-photogenic its not even funny! My cell phone won’t take selfies after I dropped it in the toilet – twice – but that’s a good thing! ~Elle


  5. I thought it was a rule that all ID photos had to look hideous. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. πŸ™‚ Maybe models have higher standards for all things photographic. When I got passport pictures done in Korea, they actually photoshopped them to clean up the complexion and even added more hair on top. I think it’s a lost cause now, but it was kind of them. πŸ™‚


  6. MJ says:

    Love the planets simile! But Susannah, if you really look like one in that ID photo, it must be Venus. (The smaller possibilities have to to be ruled out because Mars is red and Pluto was demoted.) I look like JUPITER in mine. And while I do have an awfully wide face, my passport mugshot totally belies the body its attached to. A discrepancy like that ought to be addressed, not only for reasons of national security, but because it’s discriminatory against the facially-challenged. Government-issued ID’s should include full body shots, preferably in uniform bikinis for females and tighty-whities for males.


  7. This was hilarious! The best i.d. photo I ever took was by accident. I had to have my military id renewed and I was late by a couple of months. The only place available at the time I could go was to the navy hospital in San Diego. Hubby took me down there, and I was standing on the designated line and all of a sudden a doctor walked between me and the camera by accident. It cracked me up and while I was laughing they snapped the picture. It was my favorite picture of myself… I dislike getting my picture taken…


  8. I gave up caring about photo IDs because I show them so seldom. However my last one in January didn’t look too bad.


  9. Patricia says:

    I hate having my picture taken! The one from the DMV is hideous. Looks like my hairline starts behind my ears. The store where I work has a Facebook page and we all had to give a picture to put with a little blurb about ourselves. I agonized. Found a picture taken for the church directory a few years ago…it looks like me…I recognize myself.


    • Remember those photo machines, for a dollar, you got 4 images? I’d like one in my house along with a retoucher I could take out of the closet. Then I’d be ready at all times.

      Now I bet Teddy takes a great picture every time πŸ™‚ MEOW


  10. skinnyuz2b says:

    I’m still using the one and only photo ID that ever looked good (driver’s license). The thing is about 20 years old and they keep letting me reuse it! Of course, I do a lot of begging. You need to hold it far away and look with one eye to see the resemblance. As far as passport photos go, my honey and I just had to renew ours. He always takes a great photo without trying or caring. We won’t even talk about mine! And Susannah, don’t worry, you do not look bad!


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