Spring called to say she’s on her way. She’s presently in Houston at a Saks sale.
Yeah, heard that one before, you irresponsible bitch. This cold is making me very ornery, like flypaper, attracting all that’s annoying.
I’m walking up Madison facing down a squad of mothers idly pushing strollers. None of them remotely move.
“Excuse me, can I please get by?”
One thirty year-old with a Gucci/Pucci diaper bag draped across the back of her stroller snaps, “We have children, as you can see.” I took this well, especially when I said, “I don’t care if you’re Mother Goose, move the fuck over.”
I walked into the library reading room wishing to sit on one end of the couch. A woman at the other end had her coat where I wanted to be.
“Can you move that please,” I whispered politely.
“After a huge sigh she loudly said, “Can’t you sit somewhere else?”
“Tell me something, is your coat a big reader?”
She moved it.
I was working with someone relentlessly talking my ear off. I kept having to say, “Could you repeat that? I didn’t quite hear.” He replied, “What’s wrong with you, are you deaf?”
And I said, “Yes.”
The Asian woman next door who loves to cook with onions and garlic has been leaving her smelly trash in the hall. I said to her nicely, “That’s probably not a great idea since we used to have a rat problem.”
I did not.
There’s a guy who walks his elderly golden retriever early in the morning without a leash. The dog, a good ten feet away, follows behind. I finally said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you afraid he could get hit. It’s so dark out still, and drivers don’t expect to see anyone let alone a dog getting on in years.” Not once did he look up from his phone, but on cue, a taxi came around the corner missing the dog by a hair.
No I didn’t kill him, only because I hadn’t had coffee yet.
Someone who will remain nameless wrote and said, What’s with this 100 word bullshit essay business. It’s always such a yawn.
I wrote back, “You mean Friday Fictioneers? It’s a challenge, to see if you can put your point across with so few words.”
BORING, was his last response, and I mean last since I deleted him from my contacts.