No Spring In My Step

Spring called to say she’s on her way.  She’s presently in Houston at a Saks sale.

Yeah, heard that one before, you irresponsible bitch.  This cold is making me very ornery, like flypaper, attracting all that’s annoying.

I’m walking up Madison facing down a squad of mothers idly pushing strollers.  None of them remotely move.

“Excuse me, can I please get by?”

One thirty year-old with a Gucci/Pucci diaper bag draped across the back of her stroller snaps, “We have children, as you can see.”  I took this well, especially when I said, “I don’t care if you’re Mother Goose, move the fuck over.”

I walked into the library reading room wishing to sit on one end of the couch.  A woman at the other end had her coat where I wanted to be.

“Can you move that please,” I whispered politely.

“After a huge sigh she loudly said, “Can’t you sit somewhere else?”

“Tell me something, is your coat a big reader?”

She moved it.

I was working with someone relentlessly talking my ear off.  I kept having to say, “Could you repeat that? I didn’t quite hear.”  He replied, “What’s wrong with you, are you deaf?”

And I said, “Yes.”

The Asian woman next door who loves to cook with onions and garlic has been leaving her smelly trash in the hall.  I said to her nicely, “That’s probably not a great idea since we used to have a rat problem.”

She giggled.

I did not.

There’s a guy who walks his elderly golden retriever early in the morning without a leash.  The dog, a good ten feet away, follows behind.  I finally said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you afraid he could get hit.  It’s so dark out still, and drivers don’t expect to see anyone let alone a dog getting on in years.”  Not once did he look up from his phone, but on cue, a taxi came around the corner missing the dog by a hair.

No I didn’t kill him, only because I hadn’t had coffee yet.

Someone who will remain nameless wrote and said, What’s with this 100 word bullshit essay business.  It’s always such a yawn.

I wrote back, “You mean Friday Fictioneers? It’s a challenge, to see if you can put your point across with so few words.”

BORING, was his last response, and I mean last since I deleted him from my contacts.

Too much?

ROARRRRRRRRRRRR      images

SB

 

 

 

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About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in animals, humor, men, New York City, Women and men, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to No Spring In My Step

  1. enigma261 says:

    I totally understand your predicament! 😂 from where I come, it is summer already, the kind which makes you murderous towards everybody who dares to step your way! Weather can really be such a bitch.

    Like

  2. micklively says:

    I love the rapier wit but I wonder, are you letting folk fuck with your savoir faire a little too easily? Smile sweetly for it is written “nothing winds up those who are trying to piss you off more”.

    Like

    • Yes, this is true, but when I’m cold all bets are off. The world is lucky I’m not armed.

      Like

      • micklively says:

        But you are: that tongue must leave scars. Anyone Susannahed on Madison will limp all day.

        Like

      • It would serve them right. Just now, I was returning from my run and a well-dressed man walking his kids to school ran right into me. Like hello, you don’t own the fucking sidewalk – no apology, just an entitled dirty look. I let it go, because you’re right, I could have verbally maimed him, and not in front of the kids who he’s teaching by example.

        Like

  3. AF says:

    Reading this was like watching a great pov film. My fav. line: “Tell me something, is your coat a big reader?” LOL!

    Like

  4. winfred says:

    I hope everybody was giving you that ‘ you are crazy look ‘

    Like

  5. skinnyuz2b says:

    All I can say, Susannah, is that there better be a REALLY long Indian summer to make up for this sucky start to spring!

    Like

  6. Rubenstein, Hal says:

    Love today’s post, it’s the real you or how you should be !

    Like

  7. Elle Knowles says:

    Hopefully that spring gets back in your step soon! 😉 I thought it was here and then it got cold again for two days. Makes the world a grumpy place to be as you have observed. ~Elle

    Like

  8. Elle Knowles says:

    Oh…I love the Friday Fictioneers! Rude person! ~Elle

    Like

  9. Lynn says:

    Gah! I think many of us are seeking warmer temperatures & the promise of sandals! Hope the sun shines a bit warmer for you this week. Still laughing over the reading coat. I mean…COME ON…that’s just funny shit!

    Like

  10. bob181 says:

    I posted to your site on Saturday with a link to my now, old world press site. Several hours later i had to delete the site do to spam and it became corrupted. I had to unfollow you and now refollow with a new email and word press site. Did you have a chance to see the photo i posted ? It was a little Squirrel with the caption – “excuse me, can you tell me when spring is coming. I need to know when my nuts will thaw”, I was able to save my Bassett hounds (thank God ) but i lost the squirrel. I planing a memorial service and would appreciate it if you would write a eulogy. We have snow again this morning in Fairfield. Pass the Prozac !

    Like

  11. I wish I could think as fast as you did with the coat comment! My (recently operated on) thumb still throbs and that along with the suck-y weather has me so short tempered that even a Starbucks IV isn’t helping. Later this week will be warmer…so they say…and if they are wrong, I’m gonna kill em!

    Like

  12. Well, a week ago I was in capris and a tee shirt… I was not happy since it is still March. The alligators have appeared, finished with hibernation… but, then, it was cold with frost warnings and I am back in my sweatshirt and jeans… I am happy, but, here in the south, we do not have those gray March skies that can bring a damper on everyone. I hope spring does appear for you, it’s time for some blue skies, and daffodils and coats not taking up the whole couch…. Loved this.

    Like

  13. I wish you would star in your own movie, Susannah. I could be executive producer or something. 🙂 No, I love the fact you say the thing I not only wouldn’t say but wouldn’t think to say until a lot later.

    Like

  14. Arthur Seder says:

    The cold just adds to my crankiness. Every day I scream to the weather that this is beyond unacceptable, and every day the weather declines to pay attention. I truly hope I have the initiative to move somewhere warm when my employer invites me to leave, whether that’s next week or next decade

    Like

  15. You are not alone! Mother Nature is out of her damn mind these days and you are justified in your anger. I hope the guy with the senior dog realizes just how lucky he was that morning…Jesus!

    Like

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