Karmically, the rate things are going, I must have been a toad in another life.

There’s a great line in the film Body Heat when William Hurt’s character says, “There’s so much shit comin down, I need to wear a hat.”

Excuse me while I go bonnet shopping.

I have had to strategize to keep myself from going nuts, like not checking my mail till the next morning for fear something will flip me out to the point I can’t sleep.  Another medical bill for instance that now comes with a fresh threat.  They’ve already gotten 5 thousand dollars from the insurance company, but are determined to get the rest out of me.  It’s a shake-down alright and one my wallet can’t participate in.  What are the choices…not pay which destroys your credit you’ve spent your whole life keeping pristine.  You can go on the eternal payment plan paying twenty bucks monthly like a college loan minus the degree.  I already have one of those from my hearing escapades two years ago when at 3 in the morning had to go to the ER for medicine.  Three pills and ten minutes with a doctor later, I owed three grand.  Larceny in a lab coat.  I did get a pair of socks that at those prices should have been cashmere, boxed and once owned by Elizabeth Taylor.

Then we have work.  Seems once I hit 60 I’m right up there with bell-bottoms and cloth diapers.  It doesn’t matter I still clean up pretty well.  These underpaid twenty year-olds running the show have mothers younger than me worried I’ll die during the job.  If it wasn’t so financially crushing, it would be funny.

Toss in the space in my life where friends used to be – those defectors who can’t handle a woman with hearing loss.  The various rejection notices, when you’re lucky enough to get one, saying they don’t want your writing and the threat still hanging over you about losing your home.

The loss of Carmela trumping all of the above.

It’s amazing I don’t have a substance problem.

Something tells me that bonnet won’t do.  Maybe a sombrero is more in order. – in an extra, extra large.





About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
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28 Responses to Disappointment

  1. micklively says:

    Oh Susannah, that sounds terrible. Don’t know what to say.
    Your fans still love you! 😉


    • I’ll get up off the mat, as they say. Too many things at the same time is all. This Carmela thing will resolve itself one way or another. I have little control over it, as most of the things I’ve mentioned. Need to just focus on the good and move on…right foot, left foot.


  2. skinnyuz2b says:

    It’s true, Susannah, when it rains it pours. And it gets mighty hard to find a tiny ray of sunshine to keep you going. We both know good stuff is still around, but every now and then you need a break from keeping your chin up. Nothing wrong with a bit of curling up in a ball and covering your head.


  3. Elle Knowles says:

    When it rains it pours doesn’t it Susannah? But not enough to drown your sorrows. Look on the good side – you are at a point where you can’t afford that substance problem!
    Poverty may have saved you yet.
    Seriously, your days will get brighter. As you’ve told me often, you always have your writing. They can’t take that away from you. Pour your heart into it and one day you will look up and the crisis will have passed. And we, your cyber friends, will stay the course with you, virtually by your side. ~Elle


    • I was just telling a friend how kind perfect strangers can be. Received an email, another one, saying he’d chip in for Carmela care. Made me cry. How a fella who lives in the mid west we’ve never met as in Carmela and me, would contribute to her welfare. It’s really quite halting.
      In any event. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “Smile”

    Smile though your heart is aching
    Smile even though it’s breaking
    When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
    If you smile through your fear and sorrow
    Smile and maybe tomorrow
    You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

    Light up your face with gladness
    Hide every trace of sadness
    Although a tear may be ever so near
    That’s the time you must keep on trying
    Smile, what’s the use of crying?
    You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
    If you just smile. I have warm memories of you and wish I could help you out. Did you talk to your C.P.A. about the affordable care act health insurance ? Private health insurance is notorious for huge copays and high premiums. End of sermon. Take care and be well.


  5. That about covers it. “Larceny in a lab coat.” Copyright that one LOL! But I hear you, The system is rigged against most of us, and it sounds like you are like most of us Susannah, in debtors prison.


  6. Lynn says:

    I call those my “are you fucking kidding me” moments! When the shit of life just keeps piling on & you think, seriously, that has to be it. Until the next dump lands!

    Just keep putting one foot in front of the other Susannah. Hopefully you find your balance.


    • I will. Have no choice, but the Carmela saga just about put me over the edge. Just went to see her. She’s still in residence, still unfixed and the help couldn’t tell me any news. Language barrier etc. I refused coffee. Don’t want to sit at their table anymore, even when they’re not there.


      • Lynn says:

        I can’t say I blame you Susannah. Based on your discussion with the son, do you know if they have someone in mind who they are giving her to?


      • He said there was a family in Connecticut, but it wasn’t definite. That’s why I half expected her not to be there. I knew they wouldn’t even call to tell me, so I was very tense going. When I saw her tubing down the stairs I was so relieved. We love to see each other. And she listens if you’re patient with her. Awe.


      • Lynn says:

        I am keeping my fingers crossed that the family in Connecticut doesn’t work out & that suddenly they have an epiphany that the best place for this girl is with you. Don’t give up on this yet Susannah, keep at them that you will take her wholeheartedly & look after her. It goes without saying that you can count me in to the “contribute to the get Carmela fixed fund”. Just give us the word that she is yours & it shall be done.




      • Lynn says:

        They might be able to afford the moon but clearly they can’t see the beautiful, precious gem standing right before their eyes, wanting to love their girl.


      • That’s a lovely thing to write, but they’re an odd group from another country where animals are treated differently I’m sorry to say. How can you never walk your dog for instance, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.


  7. Just received an email from Bob Lefsetz. I hope yo find it worthwhile. Bob.http://lefsetz.com/wordpress/


  8. MJ says:

    I hear you, Susannah! It’s difficult enough to resign ourselves to losses that are a natural, inevitable part of living, without having these heartaches exacerbated by greed and injustice. I detest the smug hypocrisy of the medical establishment, not to mention the age nazis, who program their computers to auto-delete job candidates on the basis of birth year alone—sight unseen, resume unread! Anyway…seeing the lyrics to “Smile” in one of the comments made me do just that, thinking how often I’d heard the song without realizing that Charlie Chaplin composed the music.


    • I forgot that MJ…thank you for adding that. I saw Carmela today. Went to Brooklyn blindly prepared for her not being there but she was, delighted to see me. I didn’t see any of the family and frankly, didn’t want to hear anymore bad news. I took her to the dog park watching her every moment, and she had such a great time. She’s very social, doesn’t fight. Just likes to be part of the fun. They never take her out. You know MJ, I need to haul in some faith. Maybe there is a better place for her where she will be completely, totally loved the way she is with me. I hug her constantly. Thanks again for saying you’d contribute to her altering. You really touched me.


  9. Tubes has put you over the edge. When you have one bright spot, it helps with all the rest. When it’s gone, it takes a while to recover. Hugs.


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