I have a new neighbor upstairs who’s caught my eye. I can’t help it since she’s a cross between Marilyn Monroe, Elly Mae Clampett and a Shetland Pony. She bounces and trots, canters and wiggles with a southern accent that curls your hair.
Electric comes to mind, her presence causing a chronic stir.
This is her first apartment, so as a 21 year-old taking the city by storm, all bets are off.
The canoodling lawyer across from her (see Humpin in the Hallway) thinks he’s hallucinating every time they meet, she dazzles him so. “Ya think she needs a lawyer?” he asked me on the stairs.
“I dunno, you tell me, what are your plans?” He never seems to get any of my jokes, a true generation gap if there is one.
She texted to ask if she could come visit. I opted to visit her instead since it’s easier to escape that way.
Her place is like a little pink dollhouse with IKEA couches and a king-size bed from Pottery Barn Gulliver would be quite comfy in…huge pastel pillows strewed across the floor like Scheherazade was her decorator.
She said at 2 a.m. the boy across the hall tried opening her door. Hmm, I thought, that’s bizarre even for him. When she said, who’s there, what do you want, he said, “Oh, hi…just came by to say hello.”
Me being the seasoned New Yorker knew exactly what had happened. He was a little drunk thinking her door was his and when realized his mistake said something only the stupidly incapacitated would ever say…just came by to say hello.
I couldn’t help but to chuckle.
She felt my theory was plausible especially since, when she called the police, they said the same thing.
After reassuring her all was well, I rose to leave. “Hey, can I ask you one more thing?” she said, popping off the couch.
“Do you think this is too much?”
“I was thinking, tight black capris, heels, hoops…right?”
“In other words, no blouse over it. This is it?”
She started bouncing like a slinky with such gusto I didn’t have the heart to say…if you were in Nashville maybe.
Imagine asking Audrey Hepburn how she feels about stringing Xmas lights across her chest.
“You know Lonnie, I’ll call her, you are a young, beautiful girl who can wear just about anything.”
Could have sworn she whinnied as she cantered to the door.