You Have Beautiful Crowns, Said The Dentist

images-1 I have new health insurance I’m pretty sure the same as rice paddy workers have, though I think they have better coverage.  I lost Bluecross back in March not making enough income to keep it.  That said…

I went to my first dental appointment on my new plan.

I should have known something was up when he returned my call at midnight with harem music in the background.

When I asked the doorman if the doctor was in, he said…every day…he’s in every day.


When I got there, the door was half open to an empty waiting room.

All I wanted was a cleaning, used to Dr. Levine’s nice pristine office with the pictures of smiling teeth on the walls.

This office resembled a bunker with a dirty fish tank.

A door suddenly swung open making me jump three feet producing the oddest looking man I’ve ever seen…Lurch like in height with a turnout that made him eligible for New York City Ballet.  He seemed to have extra teeth that put mine on edge.  Mementoes from previous patients perhaps? I thought of running to the ladies room to count mine.

He handed me a form to fill out before disappearing down a corridor.

I didn’t feel too comfortable, a telltale sign to maybe leave?  But then a pretty little Mexican woman came in so I said, “Does he make you wait long?”  “Well,” she said, “it depends what he’s going to do to you.”

I sat for a second, my heart pounding deciding to just tiptoe out.

“Where are you going?” he said, appearing at the elevator.

“Oh, I need to be someplace,” I lied, “and can’t wait anymore.”

“But I’m ready…can take you right now,” his teeth gleaming like a tyrannosausus rex.

Ever so reluctantly I went back into the office wondering if I’d ever come out again.

“I just want a cleaning,” I said, knowing I’d never let him do anything that required more than a toothpick, the idea of him with a drill sending chills down my quivering gums.

“Sure, lets get crackin,” he said, taking a hand towel that was a bit gray tossing it across my neck suggesting hygiene was off on Saturdays.

He then started flossing me like a shark.

“Um, excuse me, but is this normally how you begin?”

“Yes…I will scrape then polish.”

And did he scrape.  I so wanted to ask where he studied dentistry.  Iran maybe?  Guantanamo Bay? Because he did look a bit like a terrorist.

“Do you have a pilot’s license by any chance?”

“Yes, I do.”


If that lady wasn’t in reception, I would have bolted like a deer.

He kept saying, “You have such beautiful crowns.  I have never seen such beautiful crowns.”

“You don’t say.”   images

Did his lab coat spring another tier or was I imagining things?

After he polished my teeth like hubcaps, I jumped from the chair.

“Thank you,” I said, backing up towards the door.

“My pleasure, see you in six months,” he said with a wink, his coat looking as if it was waving from a flagpole.

My teeth, I decided, just might be an area I need to spring for taking the stairs two at a time, my molars sighing in relief.






About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
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28 Responses to You Have Beautiful Crowns, Said The Dentist

  1. micklively says:

    He’s probably a very talented dental surgeon but I understand your reluctance. I have five fillings, all done over thirty years ago by one dentist. Every year that passes without my needing another confirms she was a complete charlatan. A bad dentist is the stuff of nightmares.


  2. And people wonder why we’re so afraid of the dentist?


  3. skinnyuz2b says:

    Much like going to a new hair salon with hair clippings all over and a stylist with dirty hair pinned up; and the hair wouldn’t look good even if it was clean. Opening my mouth for a questionable dentist seems a lot more frightening than getting hair cut that can grow out.
    So, Susannah, when is your next appointment? Ha ha!


  4. Elle Knowles says:

    I hate changing dentists. You never know what you are walking into as you found out.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. AF says:

    Love this. I laughed out loud!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lynn says:

    This is my worst nightmare! Dentists cause me anxiety at the best of times, this one would have sent me running for miles!

    Liked by 1 person

    • He really was nothing I have ever experienced before. I missed the pretty hygienist in her daisy smock, a mask placed over her face asking me if I had any complaints. She’s slip a fresh napkin hooked to that little knobby silver chain while pouring mouthwash in a light blue Dixie cup. Then she’d go through my mouth so tenderly not as if a gun went off and she had 30 seconds to finish the job. I have to say, he should be reported.


  7. Patricia says:

    I have had the same dentist for 20+ years. He is not a “preferred” provider so my insurance pays next to nothing, but I won’t go elsewhere. Fortunately, he is a good bit younger than me so I will probably die before he retires.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It seems interesting to me, since, when I was in college (late 70s), they were screening out most of the dentists in the freshman year so that they only had about 20% of those applying to better the grade of our dentists…hmmm…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Like gynecologists, a dentist is someone you need to trust. Suppose he gave you some gas and then…..Oh dear. That is frightening.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hahaha! Still laughing at the “mementos of previous patients” … Just because the method is different, doesn’t mean it’s not good. In some cases it’s much much better. Perhaps you could give him some suggestions on staffing tho …

    Liked by 1 person

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