Today I was walking up Madison when the skies opened, making the whole stunned avenue run for cover.
I found myself under the canopy of a lavish dress store next to a one year-old and his Spanish speaking nanny.
She, naturally, was on her phone while he lolled in his stroller in jeans and a tight T-shirt, the tiniest sneakers you ever saw on his eency weency feet.
His shaggy blonde hair dipped in the front like a rock star’s while he swigged from a red plastic bottle. One couldn’t help but wonder who his parents are.
I noticed all of this without making eye contact knowing if I did, I’d become obsessed with his care. Do you really want your nanny to be talking to Mexico when she’s supposed to be watching your son?
But, when he began gurgling, that sounded a little like Jail House Rock, I couldn’t look away any longer. I said, “So, you’re one happy guy are ya?” Without taking pause he grinned and waved. That was the moment my dignity went south. Happens every time I’m around a kid or animal.
I knelt down close to him and said, “Don’t ya think it’s a little early to be drinking?” He laughed so hard, the same way Camille does when I say it to her. “That may look like a jazzy juice bottle, but I know, it’s really a flask.”
The nanny kept yakking away when let’s get real, this is New York. I could have been an escapee from the nearest loony bin, but she didn’t seem concerned, so I continued to flirt.
“Are ya single?” I whispered.
Again, he laughed like I was the funniest thing since Bozo.
“I’m single, and just so you know, I have a thing for very short men who can hold their liquor. What, no laugh?”
Uh-oh, he must be self-conscious about his height. I do know cats taller than he is, but kept that to myself.
He then sweetly offered me a sip from his flask, I mean bottle, but I said, “It’s a tad early, even for me.”
He then grabbed my thigh digging his little nails into my bare flesh. “We just met for heaven’s sake. Where are you from anyway…Jersey?” He got very serious and started sucking his thumb.
“Oh go ahead, pout, see if I care. I know you’re young, but I’ve been to the rodeo before there Sparky. I’ve seen it all.”
The minute I mentioned rodeo his testosterone must have shot up because he started smiling at me all over again as if to say, ya know honey bun, don’t let the packaging fool ya. I am all man, all three yards of me. That’s when the nanny finally got off the phone and said, ”Look, the rain, it stop, and you need changin.”
He didn’t say much at this, but did clap his hands.
We gave each another one long, last stare.