There’s a woman in my neighborhood I really can’t stand. She’s nosy and snooty to be avoided at all cost. Jane, I’ll call her, is like a thundercloud in perpetual sportswear. Even in winter she wears white shorts and polo shirts as if she’s either coming or going from Palm Beach. She also thinks of herself as quite stylish.
Did I mention she’s a tad critical?
“Susannah, isn’t it time you invest in a new Barbour jacket? I can see those holes a block away.”
“I have a new one Jane, I just prefer this one.”
“Why don’t you let your hair grow out a little. Bet it will make you look younger.”
“I like my hair short and feel length…like yours Jane…ages a girl.”
Yes, I lob it right back over the net, but it’s very exhausting since it’s as if she’s out gunning for you.
But one day I really got her good. It was pouring out. I was sitting in Starbucks waiting for the rain to ease up. Who do I see coming out of the dry-cleaners but Jane, wrapped in a plastic bag, looking like a big, soggy sandwich.
She stood on the corner of 78th and Lex trying to hail a cab which, when it rains, is almost impossible. It’s as if they purposely go off-duty so you’ll drown in their absence.
This was my chance, to get even for all those catty cracks I’ve endured over the years.
I crossed the street heading right for her. She pretended not to see me, but I knew, who was she kidding…nothing escapes her.
“Jane, wow…you seem distressed. Anything I can do?”
“No, I’m waiting for a cab,” she said, trying to act calm.
“Wonder why they’re not stopping,” I said innocently.
“It’s pouring out Susannah…you know how hard it is to get a cab in the rain.”
“Oh, I never have that problem. They always seem to stop for me.”
If looks could kill I would have been DOA at Lenox Hill.
Before turning to go back home I said with a big smile, “You know Jane…who would have thought, but you look really great in plastic…it seems to suit you.”
Sometimes a girl, for the sake of her soul, just needs to get even. We’re only human after all.
🙂
SB
….and here was me thinking you were such a nice girl. 😉
Revenge is sweet! Still laughing.
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I never said I was perfect Mick. I did try to be spare in my retaliation. I didn’t let my mother out of her cage. 🙂
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So what would your uncaged mother have said?
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After she flung a ladle of sauce on her hidden in her L.L. Bean boat and tote, she would have called her by anything but her name 🙂
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That was a perfect comment, Susannah. I’ve known a few ‘ladies’ like that. I’m not too bad at comments I have a moment to think about, but not great at a quick retort.
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Practice 🙂
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Haha! I usually have hindsight and always think of great comebacks – later – when the issue has passed! ~Elle
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Write them down 🙂
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I think we all have someone like that in our lives, it’s so nice when we can get our own back. well Done 😃👍🏻
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I kept expecting to feel guilty, but it hasn’t happened as yet. LOL
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Perfect! Perhaps she was waiting for Noah and his ark?
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Noah would never let her board.
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Are you saying that because she’s one of a kind and he only took two of a kind? 😉 I wonder if she’s at home plotting her comeback now.
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And Noah muttered, thank God there’s only one of her.
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Ouch … !!! 😊 Payback 😎
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Took a while and I felt awful later, but so be it. She’s such a bitch.
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I think you should be proud that you conquered the obstacle – her. 😎
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Thanks. I will try to view it that way 🙂
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Oh, paybacks are a bitch! 😀
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Yeah…not really my style, but I made an exception. LOL
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LOL, Good for you, Susannah. Probably good for her to get a little of her own medicine. 😀
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A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I had visions of cutting her tongue out while reading. In my defense I recently watched Goodfellows.
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That’ll do it. Joe Pesci should lecture as Tommy. How bout when he shoots the waiter in the foot. UGH…or the guy in the trunk. Or am I thinking of Casino? Did you know Nora Ephron’s husband wrote that and the book they took Goddfellas from.
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