If This Bed Could Talk

imagesI just ordered a new bed at Sleepy’s since mine is 22 years old.  Gigi, the salesgirl, amazed, said it was older than she was half expecting her to ask for its autograph.  One could say, it’s the Elvis of double-beds.

To be honest, I feel a little guilty trading it in since it’s been loyal for so long…constant, cozy…hard yet supple…how many things can you say that about?

But, to loosely quote Clemenza from the Godfather, I went to the mattresses anyway.

At 3 a.m. starting to get sentimental, I uncorked a bottle of red and tripped down memory lane.

Boy did we have a laugh.

“Remember the guy you brought home who was so drunk, when he tried to assume the position, went too far falling on the floor cutting his chin open?  One minute you were in the throes of lust, the next, the bathroom with cotton balls and peroxide…

Not the balls you were hoping for, eh Susannah?”

“Shut-up, before I turn you into sofa stuffing.”

Then there was the chef who looked like a fat Johnny Depp, and the investment banker who fell asleep naked wearing his Gucci loafers because his feet were cold.

And we mustn’t forget Hicks who christened the bed wanting to break a bottle of Mumms over the box spring.  When I asked if it was too hard without missing a beat he said, “You tell me bay-ba.”

No, it was never too hard, always just right with just the perfect amount of pull.

Did you hear that?  It’s Hicks giggling from the ethers.

Who can pass up a cheesy moment…certainly not me.

I will admit…sigh…there’s been much inactivity as of late, but those springs, though on leave, could still hold a bucking bronco with cool agility if need be.

It’s a pity there’s not a mattress Hall of Fame since mine, even with the cranberry juice stain down the middle, would be a shoo-in.

Oh well.  Sometimes a girl has to be a grown-up and leave sentiment behind simply because she has a 30% off coupon burning a hole in her pocket saying,  it’s time to just move on to something even harder…bay-ba.

Cheesy, oh so cheesy 🙂





About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Family, Home, humor, New York City and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to If This Bed Could Talk

  1. micklively says:

    You could do a modern pastiche, words and living sculpture, with Tracey Emin.
    We shed a forty year old mattress earlier this year but I’m still awake at 3 am for a conversation with the new one. It doesn’t have many tales to tell, cheesy or otherwise (yet).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rubenstein, Hal says:

    Great post. In China on the Yangtze River

    Liked by 1 person

  3. skinnyuz2b says:

    A good mattress is as essential as a good pillow. Not too hard, not too soft, but just right!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree. Gigi made me try out a dozen, but I fell in love with one that had blue and white ticking that she said, went on sale because no one cared for it. It reminded me of the bed I had as a kid. It was half price to boot. Shh…don’t want my old bed hear.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Elle Knowles says:

    Hummm? I wonder if H is holding on to this archaic mattress we have because of the memories? It would be just like him! ~Elle

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 22 years? I’ve gone through a lot of mattresses! Some I lost custody of in a divorce. Two were king sized and developed divots on my side where my rear goes. (Figure that one out. I weigh slightly more than half of what my husband does and there wasn’t any on his side.) Last one we bought was a sleep number mattress. I like it. I can make it harder or softer and no divots! Woo hoo! You can take a picture to save with your keepsakes because I have a feeling that the mattress has stories. Perhaps you can do a series on mattress stories!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You should keep it around as a souvenir. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It’s so difficult to get rid of an item even when it’s reached the end of it’s use. Memories come flooding in to create guilt. 😒
    I was reminded of the Princess and the Pea while reading this. I suppose her mattresses had a great deal to tell. 😎

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Finally! Sex has returned to this blog in the guise of a mattress. Its been awhile. Too funny…”Not the balls you were hoping for, eh Susannah?” LMAO!!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Patricia says:

    As a once upon a time furniture sales associate, I must say you should replace your mattress every 10 years. If everyone kept their mattress for sentimental reasons for as long as you did I would never have been able to be sort of retired. Sweet dreams, my friend.


  10. We just got a new mattress too! We felt guilty getting rid of her…. she served us well. We bumped up to a King, why you ask? So Peanut and Landon have more room …. oh, we are officially insane.


  11. Mike says:

    I went looking for a Roseanne episode, couldn’t find the one I wanted but this is probably better. 😉 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-cB8Y3YyJdA


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