It’s a jungle out there, I’m often told, and this one day in particular echoed that sentiment.
I get on the 6 train coming from Brooklyn proceeding to sit between a hulking construction looking guy, and a black man in a green track suit who said with great remorse, “No ma’am, please don’t sit there because I smell too bad,” causing my heartstrings to naturally pluck. Before I could pretend it wasn’t going to bother me, the hulk gave me his seat.
Over to our right was a randy couple looking right out of the show Dallas. Her spike heels and wraparound, bright yellow dress said it all. She was glued to this man in cowboy boots and jeans that looked as if he left his ass at home…and they were kissing. Even kids with tattoos that say Jesus and bite me don’t kiss on the train. Cuddle maybe, hold hands, but you just don’t make-out on the subway at 2 o’clock in the afternoon.
Dumb Dora, I’ll call her, blonde highlights falling in her face bejeweled like an Inca, had clearly been drinking since she kept wobbling on those stilts grabbing JR by his non-existent rear.
She starts flailing her arms saying, “I cay’nt de-eal with that smay-ell. That ga shouldn’t be a-llowed on public ta-rayens.”
And that’s when the guns came out.
“You’re not a New Yorker, are ya,” I said, my voice booming across the car.
“Are you a-dressin me?”
“Yeah, cause you’re the only idiot on this train.”
Now I had a posse behind me.
“You got no right speakin that way to anybady lady, let alone someone on this train,” said a middle-aged Latino man wearing work clothes lugging a lunchbox. I loved him for stepping up. The hulk then sat right next to this embarrassed man who looked as if he was about to cry. My heart ached for him because he was so aware of his odor unable to even defend himself.
What I liked most was how her date, the ass-less wonder, said nothing. Yeah, lets blow him in the near future. Sorry, this is when my Italian street shows up like a bear that’s been asleep too long.
“You are all just too roode for the la-ks of me,” she said, her bangs billowing like drapes.
“You’re not only rude,” I said, “but you’re unkind, and that makes me want to smack that land-filled face of yours.” Yes, I said that.
She then swung at me with her over-sized purse missing my head hitting a Japanese man who said, “You cazy?”
“Well I’m happa I don’t live in this smella town,” said Dumb Dora and that’s when a waspy kid all of 20 got up and said, “If I were you lady, I’d get the hell off at the next stop.”
And Dumb Dora wasn’t so dumb after all, because that’s exactly what she did, ass-less in tow.
And the whole car cheered.