Things I don’t Understand

 Donald Trump’s hair.  Why can’t something be done?  We can land a man on the moon, but a new strain of mousse cannot be developed.

How my neighbor’s cat ends up in the hall.  It’s not that I mind Patrick visiting, since he’s a whole lot friendlier than his owner, but wonder…is he drunk when I bring him back and he says, “how the hell did that little shit get out again?”

When bad books get published.  I’m a bibliophile of the first rank, smelling bad writing in a book’s first three pages.  I know so many gifted writers who can’t get to first base publishing wise…WTF…it has to be someone who owed someone a favor proving, literary integrity flies fleetingly in our present society.

My lack of sexual verve when once upon a time, ‘you ain’t nothin but a hound-ette,’ was my theme song, having more sex than JFK.  Now? I’d rather tip-toe through the tulips than play ball, so to speak, unless of course there’s a net involved.  Even in my twilight years, Connecticut has the last say, badminton, still my game.

Cheapskates.  I HATE CHEAP PEOPLE.  You know who I mean, the ones who stall before breaking out their wallets waiting to hear…I got this.  That guy you like who still has his bar mitzvah money, at 70. The last Fred Mertz I dated was history after asking, “Do you really need that appetizer?” “Yes Fred, I do.”

My knees, that suddenly need a good press.  Why are they winking like they’ve had too much to drink?  See, I don’t quite get the concept of gravity.  I have excellent posture, so why don’t my knees…those patellas of grandeur that used to get whistled at in a short, short skirt?

How yesterday I was in shorts, and today, a pair of fleece snow pants? So now when the Wildlife Fund asks if I’ll sponsor a polar bear, I kind want to say, yes, he can spend the summer with me, if he doesn’t mind the couch. 

Flatulence when you least expect it.  I don’t remember tootin on the subway pretending it wasn’t me, and to be hilariously hormonal on the number 6, holds little appeal.  I can just see myself on a wanted posted in Connecticut that reads…IF SEEN…RUN.

The coalition of alleged homeless people.  Not the real homeless, but those who beg in homeless clothing.  I hear they might become unionized, but are disputing paying dues along with taxes.  “GOT ANA SPARE CHANGE?. CASH ONLY.”

Suicide captured online.  Boy, if there was ever an ad to not go on Instagram, it’s this latest sick craze cruising the net.  I don’t know about you, but when I put my head in the oven, I’d prefer it to be more private.

Those that won’t leave you alone.  You’ve done everything but take a contract out on them, but there they are, determined to win you back.  LIFE IS SHORT…FIND OTHER INTERESTS.

Men who think they decide whether we fuck them or not.  This might be my favorite, and how collectively, they should all will their egos to science for a serious study in narrcisistic stupidity.  Unless it’s rape, women have the last say, and here’s a tip.  Don’t talk about previous conquests with bigger tits because, we’ll make skid marks, leaving you with a  woody they’ll talk about at parties. 

SB

 

 

 

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About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in Books, Connecticut, humor, media, New York City, sex, words and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Things I don’t Understand

  1. gmg says:

    These made my day!! Thanks for a good laugh!!
    gmg

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kate Howell says:

    Wow what a great post! Probably the funniest ever ! Love your thoughts, so true. 👍 Hal

    Hal Rubenstein from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rubenstein, Hal says:

    Just read it again on this email, i laughed again. Very clever!

    Hal

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Coyote from Orion says:

    Kim Jong Un’s is worse. He probably has 2nd stages of syphilis as an excuse though

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Not sure what to comment on. Lots of sizzlers there. Ok, with all his money why doesn’t he do something different…umm…nicer with his hair? Is he balding? Is that a partial comb over?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Preach it sister!! All true, all hilarious. Just the fact that there is a cat named Patrick … hahahaha!
    Cheap people are just the worst!!!!! My sister was dating a real cheapskate at one time in her life, and my parents couldn’t stand him. Finally, my dad, with all of his wisdom, gave her the following advice “if you marry him you’ll be wearing your Kotex on both sides.” We never saw him again.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. skinnyuz2b says:

    Great compilation, Susannah. I especially agree that bad books and cheapskates are annoying.
    Here’s another thing I don’t understand. My Pookie and I went to a beautiful dance production yesterday; Shen Yun. Just previous to arriving, a woman in front of us had taken a bath in her perfume. Does she and similar aroma clouds really not notice people gagging around them? Pookie wanted to put a bag over her head so she could drown in her smell.

    Like

  8. micklively says:

    Oh, Susannah! You and Maeve should be together. I get similar rants on a fairly regular basis. Kindred spirits across the globe!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I guess that was a rant of sorts. I am always scratching my head in bewilderment over something or other.

      Liked by 1 person

      • micklively says:

        I find myself asking a thousand times each day “how could you think that was a good idea?”. People do the dumbest things, in the most illogical way, for the shallowest of reasons. Does Donald really believe his hair looks good? Who thought launching cruise missiles at Syria would prevent the populace being gassed? Who thought 800 kilotonne nuclear warheads were the route to peace?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, that’s the key that we don’t know anything. Yet we continue to be nonplussed as though we were hit over the head.

        Liked by 1 person

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