Pap Text

There I was in the throes of my annual pap exam, on the table, feet in stirrups, probably the least dignified position a woman ever finds herself in.  Toss in the Pepto Bismol pink gown…opened to the front like bad Versace, and you wish you packed a full flask of gin in your purse.  

The lady doctor, all of 12, I half expected to skip rather than walk, looked as if she graduated an hour before my scheduled appointment.

This is what you get at the clinic, though at one of the top New York Hospitals, a fetus in a lab coat.

I know the drill.  Slide down the table, a little more a little more…this might feel cold…hold on…just one more sec.

As I waited with the jack they use to stretch your vagina to West Virginia, I look up, curious about the delay, and what do I find but Dr. Lolita, on her phone…


When I came to, I said…

“Excuse me, what are you doing exactly? I’m mean, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

With the charm of a Smurf, she says, “Oh, I’m texting my mother to not expect me for dinner…I see I’ll be running behind.”

“While I’m on this table with my legs in a split, you’re worried about dinner? You’re running behind because you’re texting.”

I had just about enough.

For openers, no pun intended, I had to wait an hour before I was seen, surrounded by a pregnant woman with 5 children already, eating Kentucky Fried Chicken in the waiting home, another one yelling at the father of her not-yet-born-baby, on her cell. “Jamal, I’m warnin you.”

To then have to endure dinner plans kinda put me over the edge…of the table.

As she proceeded to begin my exam, I closed my legs like an irate clam, climbing furiously off after insisting she de-jack me.  Now I know how a Pontiac feels hoisted down at the garage.

“This is what you’re going to do,” I said, “are you listening?  You’re going out to reception and get me another appointment with a doctor with more experience than you.

Are you listening?

If you dare come back and say, they can’t see you till next October then be prepared for me to scream holy hell that you were texting instead of papping.


Wordlessly, she left the room, returning in a jiffy to say..

“Are you free this Friday Miss Bionco, at noon?”

“I don’t know about Miss Bionco, but Miss Bianchi is…thank you very much.

And please, send my regards to your mother.”     



About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
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20 Responses to Pap Text

  1. That stretched my imagination!! What on earth made her so callous? I’m sending you a ton of loving hugs. They are shovel-ready.


  2. I’m sorry but this is hysterical. You got it down right. My knees lock together too. It’s just unnatural. I was to a different doc last fall. They did the exam with me in a chair upright and the specula (that’s the name for the bulldozer they use to stretch your lady parts to kingdom come) was made of some soft material. It was neither cold nor painful. Good luck on your Friday appointment. I understand they are culling the boy scouts to find someone for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. WOW … I love your actions. I would have walked out too. The nerve. Isn’t it humiliating enough so she had to add salt to the wound? Gosh … hugs to you … BRAVO for putting her in her place.
    Although I suspect, she is too insensitive to know what emotions are.
    Good Luck on your next visit.
    Isadora 😎

    Liked by 1 person

  4. At least she wasn’t snapchatting. 🙂 Seriously though, that is pretty bad. They post all those notices in doctor’s offices for you not to use your cell phone, you’d think the doctors would use the same sort of courtesy. Hopefully the next one has more bedside manner.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well done you!! I live vicariously through you, as I would have not done anything because I am a wimp that way, but I would have complained all the way home to the air around me! So proud of you! Hopefully the next doctor will be at least 21! Keep us posted please!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve become weary of bad behavior across the board. I’m like the Peter Finch character in the film Network. I’m mad as hell and can’t take it anymore. I think that’s what he says.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think you are right and I am right there with you, but, I must say living in the country has lowered my blood pressure and quieted me a bit…. which is a good thing. So, as they say about Truman (my dad’s favorite president) and a movie… Give ’em hell Susannah!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I was just reading a good book called, First Mothers, starting with FDR’s mom, though to Clinton’s. I always enjoy reading about Harry. He fast-walked every day when no one did that. In loafers…:)

        Liked by 1 person

  6. skinnyuz2b says:

    So ,many people don’t even realize how much they text, it’s done almost subconsciously. Good for you, Susannah, for putting your foot down! Hopefully you made her more aware of her actions.
    My Pookie and my gynecologist are friends. Makes for interesting exam-table talk. “How’s Paul? How are the kids? etc.” Not a great conversational position.
    And my almost sixteen year younger sister, upon hearing about ‘the exam’, came home crying that she didn’t want to ever have a Pap Slap. My mom and I agreed that Pap Slap is a more accurate description, ha ha!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I try to look at the good so, it’s a blessing to have a test that could save your life…BUT…it’s so invasive and weird, and to have someone so young makes it even more so.

      I’ve had it with doctors and tests. It’s increased my compassion for lab rats…LOL


  7. I feel bad but I must say I am laughing too …
    This is one of those moments when you leave thinking WTF just happened? Honestly … a doctor TEXTING during an exam because the heart she’s waiting for to save a LIFE is stuck on the GW bridge is one thing, but this, no, this is insanity. Sadly young people would think nothing of this behavior.

    Liked by 1 person

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