Thanks For The Mammories

It’s self-care season, meaning, it’s a round robin of doctor appointments to make sure all is in working order, like an annual tune-up for your car.

Of course, as with anything, it comes with a downside.  Prodding and pushing, pressing and squeezing.  My favorite is when the dermatologist dons what looks like, a miner’s hat, while you’re butt naked on the table.

“See anything Doc?’

“Nope…all looks okie-dokie to me.”

Yes, he said that, but I’ve known him for so long I would never take offense, especially after the bag of samples he always gives me on the way out.

I’ve already discussed in my essay, Pap Text, how inappropriate the medical community can be.  One of my favorite tales is when a doctor who, because I’m so neurotically well-mannered, will remain nameless, got a phone call during a rectal exam returning to ask…”now, where were we?”

“Well, your finger was up my rear like a puppeteer, but feel free to move on.”

The alternative? Roll the dice hoping nothing fatal is lurking, very appealing to my boobs who, after a recent mammogram, still resemble pressed hams.

But I’m from Connecticut where we just didn’t do that, spring cleaning each body part, that way, if someone kicks your tires, they’ll sigh and say, now that’s what I call a great set a’ treads.



About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Thanks.
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17 Responses to Thanks For The Mammories

  1. E says:

    Thanks for the laugh this morning. I’m also from the east coast and attempt to train my docs in trauma informed …probing. Essentially I teach them communication 101 to make whatever awful thing they’re doing less awful. Sorry about your hams.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your metaphors! After whining to my primary care doc about another colonoscopy (which isn’t due until 2020), he suggested I skip it. They never find anything so technically I’m low risk. However, all the lectures on getting all the checkups resonate with me even though some may be unnecessary. It squelches my hypochondria to get my tires kicked. Hope your boobs regain their original shape.

    Liked by 1 person

    • They do scare the hell out of you, no question. I spend my life in a bubblegum pink hospital gown saying ah petrified if I don’t get that lube job. A racket we all collude in, fear leading us by the nose. Sigh

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Not having any medical appointments looming, I’d say, “Don’t tread on me.”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. micklively says:

    As long as the results are good, the humiliations will seem significant. Let’s pray for humiliation. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Patricia says:

    I have a mammoslam scheduled this month. Would skip it but my insurance company gives a $25 gift card for having it done. Works for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • See, I get that. It’s those samples you get walking out the door. Now if we could get them to serve lunch, nothing fancy, maybe some shrimp and a nice fresh pasta salad, then we’d be talkin. 🙂


  6. skinnyuz2b says:

    Susannah, a very funny yet truthful piece. Your comeback during the rectal interruption is priceless.
    When I was a 32B I used to swear that the mammo lady tried to get 34B worth of mams squeezed between the plates. She’d pull tissue down from my shoulders and from under my arms. Now that I’m 36C they try to squish them back to their 32B size. I just can’t seem to make them happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Gail Kaufman says:

    I’m obsessive about checkups too. Is it a Connecticut thing? But my doctors don’t give free samples, unless you count the dentist who gives me a toothbrush, toothpaste and floss.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Please keep your treads and everything else in fit shape…


  9. Hahahaha! I always have the same technician who clearly moonlights kneading dough for pizza shops across the land.
    Yearly tune ups do a body good.

    Liked by 1 person

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