Have you ever heard the expression, restraint of pen and tongue?
How bout, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
My personal favorite?
If you can’t find something nice to say, then shut the fuck up.
What am I all riled about? Loraine Grossman, who I ran into on the avenue. Now I wish I really did run into her, like a runaway Buick careening around a corner.
I hadn’t seen her in ages, about to tool into her 8th decade, still with a mouth that my mother would have heartily washed out with soap.
Always felt we were friends, but as Oscar Wilde said…true friends stab you in the front.
There she was, with her attendant, Amelia, who she’s treating like a house slave, a face lifted so many times she resembles a cold cut platter, but still has the nerve to say to me, who greets her warmly, “Look at you…don’t you eat anymore Susannah? I mean look at you, really…you remind me of a chicken bone.”
Let me just say, she herself is very thin, comfortably nesting on a branch if you will. Legs like toothpicks, arms matchsticks, yet here she is taking potshots at me.
Restraint of pen and tongue? Indeed…easy does it..consider the source.
DO NOT KILL HER!
She’s not worth going to the slammer for.
So what did the thin girl ultimately say?
“You know Loraine, maybe what you need is a nice long nap, what do ya think? Then I could treat Amelia here to a nice long lunch, for taking such good care of you. And just think, we’ll both be eating.”
Have you ever seen a platter suddenly fall off a shelf?