Sometimes at exactly 3, I sit straight up in bed as if someone called my name.
I sense something, a presence that I realize is just me calling out to myself.
My mind at once opens one of two drawers. One marked trouble, the other grace, if I pause, choosing the latter.
Writing is the first gift kept on top…my art, my love of words, communing on the page. It also resides in the trouble file as though grace was bleeding from it’s bottom, feeling inadequate in my abilities.
The clock ticks loudly at 3 a.m. giving each prospective equal time to state it’s case.
Who do you think you are, makes his appearance next to, boy was your mother right when she said, you were stupid. Toss in those you thought were friends who behind your back ridicule and you’re breaking pencils, tearing pages, determined to remove your hard drive.
Then when the prosecution rests, quite full of itself, the defense sweeps in like the creative cavalry to prove, such claims are untrue.
Victory, though shaky, is mine as I write down bones to a blog piece, or lay track for the next paragraph to a short story.
I stretch my legs, massage my wrists then listen to those who too were on trial with themselves coming before me.
Dwell in possibility, Emily Dickinson says, as I nod letting go of my supreme need to control all outcomes.
There’s no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you, adds Maya Angelou, echoing that need to write.
No tears in the writer means, no tears in the reader. Thank you Mr. (Robert) Frost, this is so comforting.
And if my doubts still persist Anne Frank appears like a falling star to say, I can shake off everything as I write, my sorrows disappear. My courage is reborn.
Remember, grace meets us where we are Susannah, but does not leave us where it found us. Anne Lamott.
The defense rests
SB
The hour between 3 and 4 is known as the witching hour. And those invading thoughts are legendary. They used to keep me awake until I learned to focus on the book I was currently reading. I go over the plot so far, the characters, and try to guess what’s going to happen. Before I know it, I’m asleep again.
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After I count the presidents is when I get in trouble…:)
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Sounds like an exhausting night. They visit me too sometimes.
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You always sound so solid when it comes to your writing Kate. Hard for me to believe you ever second guess your obvious talent.
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OMG! I doubt if there is a writer who hasn’t doubted their own talent. I am not published nor do I get the high traffic I see elsewhere. I try to be content writing what I want.
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That sounds healthy.
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Love the prose, Susannah! You’ve captured self-doubt and insomnia so well.
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They’re a couple, it seems.
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All food for thought, and I’m probably going to make a pig out of myself too. 😀
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Excuse me? Does that mean you’re introducing snacks in the wee hours…hmm???
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LOL! My waist might be a dead giveaway. 😀
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Sweets do sweeten things even if you’re pulling out your hair. A couple Milky Ways could change one’s outlook in a mighty hurry. Waistline be damned.
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LOL! Ah, Milky Ways (a part of my expanding waistline) I love those too. :O)
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I prefer cheap candy across the board. You can have what’s fancy. Just give me a Mounds Bar or bag of M&Ms and I’m off to the races. 🙂
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LOL chocolate will give you a charge that’s for sure—you’ll be first outta of the gate! 😀
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Like Secretariat. Neigh
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LOL.
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I guess we all have those wee hours visitors from time to time. I usually beat them back with a cup of hot chocolate and prayer.
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There are those Oreos under the bed I keep for emergencies. 🙂
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Ooh, are they chocolate Oreos? Those are my go to cookies for any and all reasons.
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The old fashioned, spectacular, milk dunking, creamy white center, kind. Rumor has it, they’re receiving the Noble Peace Prize. 🙂
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Way past time for that Prize!
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I agree.
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I hope you know what a fabulous writer I truly think you are. 🙂
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PS. I hope you know how much I’m enjoying your A to Z word essays. They are so beautifully penned. Spare, concise as if you placed each word on the page with a tweezer. 🙂
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They are the healthy vs the unhealthy sides of your personality going to war. I know what side I’m on. Keep writing as beautifully as you do……..
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I love when you show up. You’re right up with Lamott and Emily. 🙂
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Great post!
Regards
Amrita
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Thank you.
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There is nothing like the need to throw on a striped shirt and whistle in the middle of the night to referee my head.
Anne, Maya, Robert & Emily, now there’s a squad I’d like on speed dial.
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I love writer’s quotes. They’ve all been to the rodeo before.
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Your Defense attorney was excellent. I see more than just a hint of you there.
Wonderful post.
Scott
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Thank you.
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🙂
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