Whenever I have a medical question, I call my friend Ed.
“Ed, I have this sudden rash on my arms and neck…what do you think it could be!”
“What were you eating, dare I ask?”
“Well, I dunno. Nothing out of the ordinary, I don’t think.”
“Stop pacing like a lynx and think harder…strawberries maybe? When they say they’re good for you Susannah, they don’t mean by the quart. Did you happen to pull one of your all-nighters at a raw fish bar perhaps?…
Or was it Frozen Margarita Night at Burrito Joes?”
“Well, Whole Foods did have a pretty good sale on shellfish, shrimp in particular, and I did buy some.”
“How much…how many did you eat?”
“I dunno, a few…dozen?”
“Well you’re lucky you don’t have gills. Or do you?”
He always figures it out before I can cab it to the ER terrorizing the taxi driver, who thinks I’m about to die in his backseat, always excelling in the art of diplomacy.
“Ed?”
“NOW WHAT! IS IT THAT BIG TOE OF YOURS ACTING UP? TAKE OFF THOSE FUCKING HEELS. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YA. YOU’RE OLD NOW, REMEMBER? THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE CORNS THE SIZE OF PAPAYAS.”
“Thanks Ed. I guess I’ll wait till tomorrow to tell you about…
”DON’T TELL ME, IS YOUR HEART MURMURING AGAIN? WELL TELL IT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO SLEEP!”
“Okay, will do. G’nite now.”
“GOOD NIGHT!”
Dr. Ed MD, not for the faint of heart.
🙂
SB
Ummm…papayas? Those must be some corns!
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I’m leaving my feet to the Smithsonian if that’s any indication. I have what’s called old model’s feet from years of those Manolos and Jimmy Cs. Ouch
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And all this from a man who couldn’t pass high school chemistry!
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You were already practicing medicine so, fuck chemistry.
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Everyone needs a friend like this. 🙂 Nice post.
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He’s much better than trolling the internet since he’s direct as all giddy-up. And just think, he never sends a bill. 🙂
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Men who wear bowties are dreamy. The fact that he is also an internet doctor who drops the F-bomb in his diagnosis and doesn’t charge for services makes him exceptional. Something tells me he makes house calls …
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I’ll ask him. You just never know.
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Mr. Ed sounds hilarious. My husband’s answer to any problem that isn’t gushing out blood is always the same. Got a headache? Drink water. Muscle spasms? Drink water. Constipated? Drink water. Stomach cramps? Drink water. Bloated? Drink water and float away.
As for heels I’ll still be wearing them when I’m 90, right along with you, ha ha!
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Maybe Ed and Pookie can open up a practice. Heels…I mean, we’re women…where would we be without our fuck-me pumps…our spirits would be below sea level Skinny. Men just need to get that. 🙂
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I went to a chiropractor for a few years way back. I got so tired of him harping on my footwear that I began bringing a pair of flats to change in to for his appointments. He actually suggested I get shoes like his; orthopedic sandals. Over my dead body!
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A clever coup if I may say…sensible shoes, just aren’t for everybody Skinny. It’s that simple…:)
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