Whenever I have a medical question, I call my friend Ed.
“Ed, I have this sudden rash on my arms and neck…what do you think it could be!”
“What were you eating, dare I ask?”
“Well, I dunno. Nothing out of the ordinary, I don’t think.”
“Stop pacing like a lynx and think harder…strawberries maybe? When they say they’re good for you Susannah, they don’t mean by the quart. Did you happen to pull one of your all-nighters at a raw fish bar perhaps?…
Or was it Frozen Margarita Night at Burrito Joes?”
“Well, Whole Foods did have a pretty good sale on shellfish, shrimp in particular, and I did buy some.”
“How much…how many did you eat?”
“I dunno, a few…dozen?”
“Well you’re lucky you don’t have gills. Or do you?”
He always figures it out before I can cab it to the ER terrorizing the taxi driver, who thinks I’m about to die in his backseat, always excelling in the art of diplomacy.
“NOW WHAT! IS IT THAT BIG TOE OF YOURS ACTING UP? TAKE OFF THOSE FUCKING HEELS. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YA. YOU’RE OLD NOW, REMEMBER? THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE CORNS THE SIZE OF PAPAYAS.”
“Thanks Ed. I guess I’ll wait till tomorrow to tell you about…
”DON’T TELL ME, IS YOUR HEART MURMURING AGAIN? WELL TELL IT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO SLEEP!”
“Okay, will do. G’nite now.”