It’s a sad day at Chez Susannah, watching Land O’Lakes pack her fat, yellow bags.
I had my cholesterol unexpectedly checked and it seems lucky, I’m not in the ER.
I know what happened, since I’ve become my own best diagnostician. My fat intake got a little outta’ hand after giving up all added sugar, including the silo I put in my coffee every day. It’s a common practice, like when you first go into the Beverage Program (AA) and are suddenly perking from 200 cups of coffee and enough Entemann’s to entitle you to stock. But then after you get yourself more or less balanced, you merrily tweak that cake and caffeine intake as if you were dating Dr. Oz. (Okay, maybe in the movies).
My old-fashioned doctor who’s 76 and wears sneakers and a bow tie, said I must lower my numbers…OR ELSE.
“Or else what, docta?” I asked, like Scarlett flirting with a no good Yankee.
“You could have a stroke.”
‘”Ah such a stroke of luck, you just SCARING THE LIVIN’ CRAP OUTTA ME.”
“Now now, said Dr. Bow Tie, “just curb your fat, you know, lay off the cookies and chips.”
What’s wrong with this picture?
I’m almost 5’8, after dropping a half inch for posterity’s sake, weighing in at 110. Without my head, my back would look like my front, at times compared to an ironing board, Olive Oyl and a Number 2 pencil.
You would think fat would have turned on its heel and gone elsewhere.
“Any suggestions, Docta?”
“Butter. Anything with butter, cut out.”
“Would that include the Shea Butta’ ah’ use on ma ska’ in’?”
“Call me if you have any chest pain.”
No sense of humor these heart specialists who think of themselves as quite special, along with such heart.
See, I’d let a plumber examine me if he told a good joke, but back to butter.
Yes, guilty as charged, living on scrambled eggs and butter-flavored popcorn. Toss in that Stella D’oro Anisette Toast I love so much and well, I should just be sleeping on a stretcher, to save time.
So, after a final farewell party with 3 eggs swooning in a full stick of Land O’Lakes, and 3 matching bowls of CVS’s famed popcorn that’s made in the Ozarks which is why it’s so cheap, I’m turning green.
Just call me your little Brussels sprout.
As for Stella D’oro, I’m not terribly sure I’m kicking her out. I mean, what kind of an Italian would I be after all? If this were Italy, it would be considered a capital crime…of passion.
She was also my grandfather’s favorite so, take that Docta’ Bow Tie, and let the cookies fall where they may. 
SB
Oh no, Susannah! Oleo and butter are not even in the same food group. For those times that butter is a necessity, the LOL (not laugh out loud) tub butter is lower in most of the bad things than their sticks. Sometimes an advance in medical science is a friendly nemesis.
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I have the windows draped in black crepe, like when Lincoln died. I LOVE BUTTER. Julia Child is screaming at me from her kitchen in the great beyond…WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO BUTTER!!! 🙂
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Bacon and chips are always the killers for me. Some people think of chicken soup and mac n cheese as comfort food. For me it’s bacon and chips. There is something so soothing about fat. Maybe just cutting back to a quarter stick instead of a full one will work. Good luck.
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SB,
Everything is bettah with buttah! Dang nabbit! (I never combine dang and nabbit unless I am particularly riled up).
Your post gives me pause, seeing as how I made Fettuccine Alfredo last week with enough butter in it to clog the BQE. Oh butter, those little slices of death . . I love ’em so.
But if ya gotta go green, then I’m rooting you on. Hell, I gotta start playing keep away with certain grocery items my damn self. I ain’t a puppy any longer.
And good for you in keeping Stella(!) around. Your grandfather would be proud, not to mention Tennessee Williams . . .
Peace
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Love the last line. STELLAAA!!!
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Haha!
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You’re such an easy laugh. 🙂
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I do realize . .
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Had to LOL, but hey you best pay heed to her advice 🙂 If my doc told me to cut out wine completely, I might as well be on a stretcher to save time :). Life sucks, all the good things in life are BAD for you, I hate that. Speaking from one who has a hubby with heart issues, yes, red meat is a no no, up your veggies and fish intake and you’ll be good to go. Thanks to me, the cardiologist has now told him he does not have heart disease? It runs in his family. Never believe docs.
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That doctor scared the shit outta me. I’m grazing, like a cow. Worried I’ll develop a cud Loretta, then what? Luckily I’m not a meat eater, but butter. I was weaned on it. Will have to find a 12 Step group for butterholics. You think I’m kidding. 🙂
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I howled when you wrote you should be sleeping on a stretcher to save time. What a sense of humor you have, even in the face of butter-less living! I hope it won’t be as bad as you think.
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Without my sense of humor I’d be in an insane asylum. Of course I’m betting they’d serve lots of butter, to kill us off to make room for new nuts. I feel as essay coming on. 🙂
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Since you haven’t been committed, you must be outsane, not insane.
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You’re the sweetest Wordsmiss, I mean smith I know…:)
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You were right the first time — Words-miss. Words are fun to play with, though.
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I was just tryin’ to be clever. lol
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And you succeeded in being clever.
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Shucks Anne…I’m here blushin’
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Good for you, although it doesn’t seem like you’re the one that needs to worry about things like that, more like people like me who are over twice your weight and can’t stop snacking late at night. 🙂
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Oh to snack late at night sounds heavenly. I think I hear Stella calling. 🙂
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Incredible coincidence: I got a cholesterol letter from the quack yesterday. Apparently, I’m 16.8% when I should be less than 10%. Percent of what, she’s not saying, but it sounds very bad. She’s threatening me with statins, which doesn’t inspire much glee. I’m not convinced by the dietary gambit. There’s plenty of cholesterol in beef but very little in grass. If she asks me to give up bacon butties or cheese, I think I’ll give up eating altogether.
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This shouldn’t be funny but it’s funny. You’re funny. Love opener…cholesterol quack. Statins drifted from my quack’s mouth also but I demurred before running out of his office. They love to medicate. Please don’t give up eating because then you’ll be too weak to write. Beef that. 🙂
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Though I don’t follow it well or consistently, I am finding, more and more, “Moderation in All Things”.
I must say, however, that “All” is a rather hard word to follow.
Scott
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I eat like I’m in college. All hours only when I’m hungry. Popcorn is a staple, my idea of rice. 🙂
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Lol, and I can have all the meat I want and eggs, but little rice and popcorn, both I love.
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Did you know that folks with a Mediterian background have higher cholesterol just because of their heritage? V, who eats healthier than anyone has high cholesterol. It’s in the genes, not the butta.
SSSSTTTTEEELLLLLAAA!
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Okay, excuse me while I run to get a pound. STELLAAAAAAAA…so funny.
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