Emotional Sobriety

The last time I went to the Carlyle to toast Tommy, their late bartender, after two sips I was pretty looped.

A red flag if there ever was one.

After swaying home I prayed, please God, don’t let this ignite my drinking.

You’re surprised I pray?

I live in that foxhole Hemingway wrote about, on my knees.

They say in AA, if you pray deeply enough…God, help me not drink anymore…he swoops in like an eagle taking you under his wing. Of course you must do your part like, honing your humility that when drunk goes down several quarts.

Not drinking is like cleaning your windshield. You may not like what you see, but at least it’s truthful.

One of my goals in the new year, is surrendering to truth across the board. I no longer want to pretend to be anything I’m not. Though from Connecticut, I didn’t go to a finishing school. I was raised by alcoholic wolves of Italian/Polish descent which may be too kind, since I’m sure wolves are better parents.

They threw me into a pricey prep school that was nothing but a playground for addicts and rich kids tossed from other schools, so I learned from the best how to stay high on anything from glue to pot to Taittingers.

So Miss Connecticut I was not.

I became a model because, after convincing me I was too stupid to be anything else, it was the only way to get my mother’s approval since looks were all she cared about. She loved telling people I was a Wilhelmina model boogalooing across the globe.

Of course, I was like a feral cat in model’s clothing, missing planes, busy sleeping off blinding benders waking up to some disco boy whose name I didn’t catch. Not too good for business. But my mother, who had sex for lunch, was my first role model, pun intended, teaching me everything I know.

It’s how you get attention, even if it only lasts 10 minutes. Now I want it from my writing I falsely sanitize so you’ll like me. I’m going to stop doing that, and it may not be pretty.

So I advise you to buckle up.

I’m 64 years old with lines on my face and half my hearing gone. I haven’t gotten laid in so long, I’m not even sure my parts still work. I’m alone, and it’s okay, since I’ve had more sex and romance than anyone else I know, including my mother.

But like any athlete, I finally hung up my number.

Everything ends after all. Even love, true or otherwise.

But I have memories and the clarity to write about them.

So you see, despite how it may seem, my blessings are still up a quart.

To thine own self be true, my mantra for 2019.

Happy New Year everyone.

To quote the great Anne Lamott…

And God bless you all good.

SB

About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in alcohol, creative writing, Culture, humanity, inspiration, modeling, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

76 Responses to Emotional Sobriety

  1. skinnyuz2b says:

    Good for you, Susannah. There’s nothing harder than trying to pretend you’re something you’re not. Believe me, I’ve tried, just as most of us have. But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a very kind and caring person.
    As for the past, I had a heck of a lot of fun partying too; staying single until I met Pookie at age 28. After college I spent time in NY, AZ, CA, and many points in between, mostly in Green Bay and Chicago. You and I (I’m 68) spent our teens and twenties during a pretty turbulent and loose era. Of course I had some low points, but overall I wouldn’t change those years for anything.
    I hope your New Year is everything you want it to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rubenstein, Hal says:

    Love this post, it sets you apart from the bullshit bloggers. Have a happy and healthy new year and think about rekindling your private life.

    Best,
    Hal

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Still love ya. I have skeletons of my own and a bone to pick with them.
    Scott

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorryless says:

    SB,

    There is no God without a damn, and you supply. In a totally human and beautiful way I might add. Because to be human is beautiful, once you get past all the ugliness we tend to collect either by design or ricochet. Both.

    Quarts up young lady.

    Peace

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Arthur says:

    When I was your age I was just starting out on what I hope to be (and is so far) the last and best relationship of my life. I wish you serenity and serendipitous joy now and always. Love, Arthur

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I love your writing and your wit, and I’m sticking with you. How I pray 2019 will be an excellent year for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is naked writing! We all have stuff. What I like about blogging is that most people are more sincere than they are in person. They are willing to put themselves out in a way they don’t do otherwise. Woohoo!

    Like

  8. Wanted to make sure to wish you a very Happy New Year, Susannah! :O)

    Like

  9. robprice59 says:

    Life: it’s a bugger. Catches up with everyone eventually. I am pleased and gratified to hear your philosophy is so pragmatic and well-adjusted. I am sure you will agree, it could have been otherwise.
    Happy New Year Susannah. Thank you so much for your incisive submissions in 2018.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I LOVE your mantra and this post.

    Liked by 1 person

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