I’ve had it.
Don’t be surprised if you see me on the news.
Every day there’s a new sniper shooting.
Let me recap:
We now have those adorable seasonal runners who think they own the Park.
You can’t miss them in their brand new togs, Fendi fanny packs for the women, Lululemon for the men.
And we mustn’t forget those phones, strapped to their bulging waists like .38s.
I’m walking east to west, normally a pretty walk this time of year, Nature looking her best, when a woman starts screaming for me to move further away as she’s approaching…
ON HER PHONE.
I was so far from her, I couldn’t even make out who was yelling at me, since she was the size of an ant.
Where’s that mosquito repellent when you need it?
I said, “Madam, I suggest you work out at home if you’re that frightened,” and to my credit said it kindly though duly enraged.
It’s happening much too often, the high and mighty, demanding you accommodate them like house slaves.
woman on a bike, parked, her belly the size of Budda’s, yelling at everyone going by whose mask was down.
Who the fuck died and made her Columbo?
But here’s the best of all.
I’m coming back from my run walking by The Great Lawn. My bandanna is down because no one was remotely near me, when I see a woman with a Pekingese.
I flip my mask up, but apparently not fast enough for her.
“I expect you to keep that mask on while you’re in our Park?” she says, in a voice that could crack ice.
“Our Park? Did you buy it, because I didn’t know it was for sale.”
“You think you’re so cute,” she says, cradling her dog like a baby.
“Actually, I don’t since, you’ve obviously not seen my hair.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“Where’s your sense of humor,” I say, still trying to keep it light…abuse light we’ll call it.
“My Bebe deserves to be protected, and you waltzing around mask-less is unacceptable.”
The poor dog is now embarrassed, and my fuse is lit.
‘Well, why doesn’t your dog have a mask on then? If I’m supposed to protect her, who will protect me against her?”
She stared at me like I had 2 heads.
“Hey, it’s not a trick question, and for the record, your dog looks a whole lot better than you do, and further more, DON’T YOU EVER ADDRESS ME THAT WAY AGAIN…
This is why I must never own a firearm.