Notes From The Carlyle

This happened way before I stopped drinking.

Unknown.jpeg I’m sitting at Bemelmans Bar waiting for a date, and not just any date mind you, but a blind one. No, it’s not Andrea Bocelli, but it is someone I’ve never met before.

What was I thinking saying yes? I wasn’t, I was fifteen sheets to the wind when Tabby, the model no one likes, said, “Do oy have a goy fa you. You’ll laav-em…he’s such a whaahsp, and sooo clay’-see.”

It sounded like I was being fixed up with Ken, or a Polo player, someone pale and prosperous I could pet like a Cocker Spaniel.

Remember, I’m drinking, my imagination running wild.

That said.

I have to go through with it since this goy is flying in from Tampa just to meet me. Talk about pressure, airborne or otherwise.

Let me say, dating doesn’t remotely interest me at the moment. After the Italian banker I met at the bar way back when who gave me a run for his money, I’ve flatlined in the romance department.

Tapping my pump, hoping it will all be over soon, I remember my pal Camille’s reaction. “OOH, I so hate that Tabitha Sweeney who should just mind her own business, however…since you’ve already said yes, meet him at the Carlyle since he’ll no doubt pick up the check.”

This rang a bell since my funds are below sea level this month. I can’t afford a bottle of Ripple, let alone a 19 dollar glass of Merlot.

When I asked Lowell what he looked like he just said, it’s best I surprise you.

Uh-oh.

Was he missing a leg? Did he need a phone book to sit on? What could it be?

“Well, whatever it is,” Camille said, “you can just drink fast and run.”

Oh God.

This brought up every bad date I’ve ever had. Like the lawyer who I only spoke to because he kept winking from across the room.

Turned out he had a twitch.

And that Italian I mentioned, was one kinky customer wanting to play doctor, naked, wearing my Prada tube top around his…well…need I go on?

I raided the minibar which felt was only fair before escaping down the stairs. I’m a good sport, but come on, a girl has her limits.

That tube would have fit Mama Cass after he was through with it.

Yes, I could lecture on what’s acceptable and what isn’t for a night on the town.

Rather than Lowell, who comes storming into Bemelmans but Tabby. “Oh Suz, I’m sore-ry ta tell ya, he’s not comin,” 

“He’s not?” I said, trying to conceal my joy. “What happened?”

“I dunno how ta say this but, he met someone at the eer-pawt, a wedhead that, well, from the seeounds of it, gave him some in the LAY-dees room.”

“Excuse me?”

Despite being happily stood up, I was a bit stunned. I mean to miss your flight?

“But why the ladies room?”

Tabby didn’t answer right away. I thought it was because of all the Botox in her face. It’s always as if you’re talking to a plate.

“Come on Tabs, what aren’t you telling me?” Then I remembered there was that something I didn’t know.

Uh-oh.

“He was weerin a little black dress, the ky-nd you like, which is whoy I knew you’d hit it awoff. He loykes women, no boys for this goy, but he dresses like Awe-drey. But he’s great lookin Suz, and built.”

This was a bit much, even for me, but I couldn’t help saying, “Audrey, was anything but built.”

It then dawned on me now I have to pay my own check.

When I waved for it, Laurie, the barmaid, said it was taken care of.

“By whom? “Tabby did you pay my check?” famous for being cheap.

“Don’t be ra-diculous, of cors oy didn’t pee it.”

Turns out, it was Audrey. He called telling Laurie to tell me, he was sorry, and maybe we’d meet in the future.

Oh yeah, when Prada makes a rubber tube top.

SB

I do miss writing these.  sigh

 

About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
This entry was posted in alcohol, Beauty, Culture, Fashion, humanity, humor, media, men, modeling, money, New York City, women, words, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

37 Responses to Notes From The Carlyle

  1. robprice59 says:

    There are times when being married is a trial, but then I remember what it was like in the dating game, and I count my blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. skinnyuz2b says:

    OMG! I wish we could have had a pic of your face when Audrey strolled up to you! That is not a good secret to keep from a blind date. And the bit about the airport ladies room? At least he was gentleman enough to pay your tab.
    On the other hand, think of all the great clothes you could have shared.
    What a great story!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rubenstein, Hal says:

    Funny !

    Best,
    Hal

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahahaha! Even if you rolled a one-legged twitcher wearing a tube top into a single person, it can’t compare to the thought of you and “Audrey” wearing the same dress. I’m dead … lol! As for Tabby… BYE!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Fabulous story, Susannah. I would love to swap stories that have occurred while “over the line so to speak” This was very entertaining.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You have a marvelous way of telling a story. I particularly liked the way you wrote the accent. I could hear the speech in my head. Having lived in NY for 50 years, it still sounds like home to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Michael W Feddersen says:

    It’s been forever since I’ve been here to read your posts, you still are something else. Congratulations on blind date.
    I saw this ad on Facebook and remembered you had a tinnitus problem, anyway I hope you don’t need them.
    https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=3431280696910122&id=211578645547026

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re nice to think of me. It comes and goes. The weather sometimes, if it’s damp, will ignite it. Considering what’s going on presently, it’s the least I should have to worry about. Hope you’re staying safe, and happy.

      Like

  8. Dale says:

    I missed a day’s worth of emails and this one was in it. Oy! I could just hear my friend Roooobin from Luong Oisland – as Tabitha…
    You could not pay me to go back to dating… what the hell was she thinking setting you up with such a sort? No matter, gave you a great story to tell, eh? At least he paid your bill – that was a definite bonus.

    Liked by 1 person

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