This happened way before I stopped drinking.
I’m sitting at Bemelmans Bar waiting for a date, and not just any date mind you, but a blind one. No, it’s not Andrea Bocelli, but it is someone I’ve never met before.
What was I thinking saying yes? I wasn’t, I was fifteen sheets to the wind when Tabby, the model no one likes, said, “Do oy have a goy fa you. You’ll laav-em…he’s such a whaahsp, and sooo clay’-see.”
It sounded like I was being fixed up with Ken, or a Polo player, someone pale and prosperous I could pet like a Cocker Spaniel.
Remember, I’m drinking, my imagination running wild.
That said.
I have to go through with it since this goy is flying in from Tampa just to meet me. Talk about pressure, airborne or otherwise.
Let me say, dating doesn’t remotely interest me at the moment. After the Italian banker I met at the bar way back when who gave me a run for his money, I’ve flatlined in the romance department.
Tapping my pump, hoping it will all be over soon, I remember my pal Camille’s reaction. “OOH, I so hate that Tabitha Sweeney who should just mind her own business, however…since you’ve already said yes, meet him at the Carlyle since he’ll no doubt pick up the check.”
This rang a bell since my funds are below sea level this month. I can’t afford a bottle of Ripple, let alone a 19 dollar glass of Merlot.
When I asked Lowell what he looked like he just said, it’s best I surprise you.
Uh-oh.
Was he missing a leg? Did he need a phone book to sit on? What could it be?
“Well, whatever it is,” Camille said, “you can just drink fast and run.”
Oh God.
This brought up every bad date I’ve ever had. Like the lawyer who I only spoke to because he kept winking from across the room.
Turned out he had a twitch.
And that Italian I mentioned, was one kinky customer wanting to play doctor, naked, wearing my Prada tube top around his…well…need I go on?
I raided the minibar which felt was only fair before escaping down the stairs. I’m a good sport, but come on, a girl has her limits.
That tube would have fit Mama Cass after he was through with it.
Yes, I could lecture on what’s acceptable and what isn’t for a night on the town.
Rather than Lowell, who comes storming into Bemelmans but Tabby. “Oh Suz, I’m sore-ry ta tell ya, he’s not comin,”Â
“He’s not?” I said, trying to conceal my joy. “What happened?”
“I dunno how ta say this but, he met someone at the eer-pawt, a wedhead that, well, from the seeounds of it, gave him some in the LAY-dees room.”
“Excuse me?”
Despite being happily stood up, I was a bit stunned. I mean to miss your flight?
“But why the ladies room?”
Tabby didn’t answer right away. I thought it was because of all the Botox in her face. It’s always as if you’re talking to a plate.
“Come on Tabs, what aren’t you telling me?” Then I remembered there was that something I didn’t know.
Uh-oh.
“He was weerin a little black dress, the ky-nd you like, which is whoy I knew you’d hit it awoff. He loykes women, no boys for this goy, but he dresses like Awe-drey. But he’s great lookin Suz, and built.”
This was a bit much, even for me, but I couldn’t help saying, “Audrey, was anything but built.”
It then dawned on me now I have to pay my own check.
When I waved for it, Laurie, the barmaid, said it was taken care of.
“By whom? “Tabby did you pay my check?” famous for being cheap.
“Don’t be ra-diculous, of cors oy didn’t pee it.”
Turns out, it was Audrey. He called telling Laurie to tell me, he was sorry, and maybe we’d meet in the future.
Oh yeah, when Prada makes a rubber tube top.
SB
I do miss writing these. sigh
There are times when being married is a trial, but then I remember what it was like in the dating game, and I count my blessings.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I could lecture on the subject. And think of all the money you save. Or pounds, in your case. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
OMG! I wish we could have had a pic of your face when Audrey strolled up to you! That is not a good secret to keep from a blind date. And the bit about the airport ladies room? At least he was gentleman enough to pay your tab.
On the other hand, think of all the great clothes you could have shared.
What a great story!
LikeLiked by 1 person
That reminds me of an old Joan Rivers joke, about dating a transvestite…her mother said, go for it Joan, you’ll double your wardrobe…somethin like that. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Funny !
Best,
Hal
LikeLiked by 1 person
A giggle is all we’re ever after, at athingirl.com. 🙂
LikeLike
Hahahaha! Even if you rolled a one-legged twitcher wearing a tube top into a single person, it can’t compare to the thought of you and “Audrey” wearing the same dress. I’m dead … lol! As for Tabby… BYE!
LikeLiked by 1 person
She’s the poster girl for who you never want to be. I’m much more tolerant of her, but even I can just take so much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hear ya
LikeLiked by 1 person
Fabulous story, Susannah. I would love to swap stories that have occurred while “over the line so to speak” This was very entertaining.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s all it was meant to be. I miss going there, for the history and the adventure. Thanks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hear you. I’ll give you one. One night in West Palm beach I thought it would be halarious to arrive at Valet on the fender of a car. I pretended I was unconscious. I had a couple of cohorts who were instructed to ask the valet a question once we arrived. “Do you know a good taxadermist?” was the question. The valet was not amused. Have a great weekend
LikeLiked by 1 person
What does a valet know anyway, just to park and backup. The word taxidermy always makes me think of Teddy who stuffed everything but Edith, his wife.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahahaha. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re such an easy giggle. I say it again and again. Such a fine trait to have. I feel Lucy smiling from the ether.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You have a marvelous way of telling a story. I particularly liked the way you wrote the accent. I could hear the speech in my head. Having lived in NY for 50 years, it still sounds like home to me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
She’s from Long Island and though, I may have exaggerated a tad to entertain, she does speak in that Massapequa twang and is very into looking young in every way possible. I’m grateful I’m blessed with a more French attitude meaning, my face still moves when I hear something funny. 🙂
LikeLike
I’m so glad your face still moves normally. I’ve seen the plastic-mask face on TV but never in person.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I never understand the preference. I’m not saying lines are all that great, but the alternative is scary, and I could never get passed poison being shot into your head a hop, skip and a jump from your brain. Make ya shake your head, doesn’t it…pun intended.
LikeLike
I never thought about how close to the brain the Botox injections would be.
LikeLike
This is a sad prediction, but a girl I know had gotten Botox shots, and it caused one of her eyes to temporarily droop. A while late she was diagnosed with a brain tumor that they said, was benign. Well, she now has early dementia and she’s younger than I am. I can’t help thinking it all started with those shots. It’s just not natural to administer anything synthetic so near your brain. It’s a no-brainer Anne. Bad pun.
LikeLike
Very sad! GRAY lives MATTER.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love that…yes they do ..:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s been forever since I’ve been here to read your posts, you still are something else. Congratulations on blind date.
I saw this ad on Facebook and remembered you had a tinnitus problem, anyway I hope you don’t need them.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=3431280696910122&id=211578645547026
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re nice to think of me. It comes and goes. The weather sometimes, if it’s damp, will ignite it. Considering what’s going on presently, it’s the least I should have to worry about. Hope you’re staying safe, and happy.
LikeLike
I missed a day’s worth of emails and this one was in it. Oy! I could just hear my friend Roooobin from Luong Oisland – as Tabitha…
You could not pay me to go back to dating… what the hell was she thinking setting you up with such a sort? No matter, gave you a great story to tell, eh? At least he paid your bill – that was a definite bonus.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Only in New York. There’s an old time columnist who always ended her piece with that, and it appears to me true. Only in new York. OY
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oy indeed.
LikeLike
You’re up early. Me too. Here drinking B coffee…why B? I made it. Going to run soon. City is so empty I’m delaying my departure. Marc didn’t post. Hope it’s only because he’s out with some hottie having a great time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
More like I can’t sleep. My alarm goes off in two hours.
Haha! Is your coffee not good?
Nope. He’s decided to write when he feels like it.
LikeLike
And that’s the way it should be. Fresh and easy. As for my B cuppa Joe, I’ve been using my one cup Melitta rather than my percolator so, it’s not the greatest. I just hate cleaning it, the lazy coffee girl that I am.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Indeed.
I always make my one cup Melitta! Hot and delicious coffee, one cup at a time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m doing something wrong I guess. Might be the coffee I’m using since, it’s cheap.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s the rub. Are you not worth good coffee?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, but I can never say no to a deal. It’s that single girl in me. Alright…time to get up. It’s No Worry Sunday. That means, all the shit that’s bothering me goes on top of the fridge till tomorrow. I don’t think about anything except how to have a peaceful, enjoyable day. Works like a charm. Have a great day Dale. Nice chatting with you. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah well…I’ll skimp on other stuff in favour of good coffee.😉
Top of the fridge, eh? I like that idea.
Have a great run and day, Susannah. 🙂
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person