A Writer’s Self-doubt

My creativity has been up on the ledge lately dangling her feet. She feels alone and inept, underappreciated and forlorn, yet the well isn’t dry.

It still seems damp, way at the bottom.

I sit at my desk most days attempting to write. It’s been a long time since I’ve published, but like any triumph, it fades in the sun.

I’m not a particularly great self-promoter. Actually I’m terrible at it.

If I discovered the cure for cancer, you’d never hear it from me.

I’ve gone over reasons for this many times, but preening makes me feel foolish and awkward, yet find myself envious of others who have the knack.

A man I used to date, for a second, came back into my life. When I told him I had a blog, he said really? How fun. Then sent me his own book without even asking.

See, he has the knack.

Why can’t I ever take a bow? Half the people I know have no bows to take, yet take them anyway, convincing the masses through social media how outstanding they are.

I sit and scratch my head.

Could be that war wound from my mother who told me I was stupid.

This alone keeps my shrink in walkin’ around money.

With the exception of Twitter, I took myself off social media because of the creeps that came out of the woodwork. It scared me to be quite honest. I don’t like being pursued, especially by those who have hurt me in the past.

Hey, Suzana, memba me…we had sex in the back’a my Pontiac.  Actually I don’t, except now I see my legs hanging out a window.

There’s a woman, a former follower, who had written the meanest comment over her loyalty to Donald Trump, attacking me with her Christian self-righteousness. I was kind by not retaliating, but then she came back, begging for forgiveness like an abusive lover. She even looked up my address and sent me a card. How inappropriate, and rest my case on the invasion of privacy.

She seems to have finally gone, at least I hope so.

So I’m here at my desk, wooing my muse who must be out of town.

If you see her, would you give her my best?

Maybe I’m just not that good of a writer.

Maybe that’s the real issue here.

I do rant over things the world doesn’t seem to care about…navy blazers and books, fits of kindness, American History, and deli men and dogs who know your name.

Therefore, what I’ve decided to tell my censor when he says…who do you think you are Susannah?

is…

I’m just a plain, ordinary girl who loves to write.

So there!    

Susannah

About Susannah Bianchi

I'm just a girl who likes to write slightly on slant. I've had a career in fashion, dabbled in film and to be honest, I don't like talking about myself. Now my posts are another matter so I will let them speak for themselves. My eBooks, A New York Diary, Model Behavior: Friends For Life and Notes From A Working Cat can be found on Amazon.com. Thanks.
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75 Responses to A Writer’s Self-doubt

  1. skinnyuz2b says:

    Susannah, you write about everyday life in the big city. Your vivid descriptions make me feel as though I am walking beside you. I know the various characters along the way in the same manner I know characters from my favorite book series.
    When you write of novels, history, and factoids I’m right there gobbling it up.. And who doesn’t want to talk about fashion?
    The stories you share of kindness give me hope and cause me to resolve to be a kinder person myself.
    Your writing is very much appreciated, Susannah.

    Liked by 2 people

    • God Skinny, I feel like such a schmuck…see this is how it feels when I try to swagger in any way and I wasn’t even in half swag, so to speak. I guess I’m just having growing pains. There’s been lots of disappointment in my life of late…people mostly, so it could be stifling my art if you will. It seems to be disheartened, but she’ll rally, she always does. Like I wrote to Anne, I felt airing my insecurities would release me from them. You’re so kind to write this way to me. Thank you from my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s true I don’t care about navy blazers but I’m sure others of your (many!) followers do. I love your stories about your little encounters. I love the dogs and the people you write about. I love your character sketches. I feel like I’m looking through a keyhole into a life so different to mine. I don’t live in an apartment building. We don’t have snow here (well none that you could fall over in). You are a mistress of the vignette. So don’t despair. You’re just having a bad week. Your muse will be back and I will get the benefit! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I must argue with you. You are far from plain or stupid. So there!

    To me, your writing is as snappy and aluring as ever. Take a break and read any of your recent posts. With a fresh mind, you will be better able to appreciate them. A non-writer could never have the readership you do. I’m sending you a bucket of smiles and hugs. Throw some up in the air and laugh with abandon. I’ll be listening.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Recently I had a conversation with a woman from South America, and we were discussing doubt, my doubt to be exact. This is what she said, “doubt is satan trying to dim your light, your talent, the best version of you, so don’t let him.” “If you want him to leave shine bright, we are created in the likeness of the creator.”
    You are a bright light in this world, so kick Lucifer to the curb by his horns shut the door. Your writing is incredible and should be shared with the world!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This whole idea of self-promotion drives me up the wall. I get very weary with those who can think of nothing but trying to sell their books. I have the basic opinion that with all the books published each year, who should give a shit about mine except me? Yeah, I write them but certainly don’t cajole, bribe, or otherwise become an annoying pimp for my books. I am proud of them, and that is that. I paid a guy an enormous sum for two years to help me understand why I behaved the way I did. I finally got up from his couch and decided that that was just the way it is and never looked back. I can certainly relate to your feelings about those who assault your psyche. I wouldn’t forgive them either. Have a great week, Susannah. 🌷

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sorryless says:

    SB

    Your doubt is unfounded, completely so. I don’t come round because I’m a social butterfly, I come round because Imma read something that spurs me, stirs me or just plain inspires me. Now the butterfly WILL come out to play once we get to volleying in the comment section, but that’s only because your prose made it happen.

    As for the self promoters, everything in the world is this way now. And it kind of makes me smile, in a most cynically inappropriate way. Because most of the selling going on, ain’t worth buying. But hey, the world is all about brand now.

    I’ll take interesting over brand, Alex. For a million.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. kingmidget says:

    If there is a place for lost muses, can you look for mine while you relocate yours? Let me know if you see it. I’ll come pick it up right away.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dale says:

    We all have moments of doubt – generally unfounded 🙂
    I don’t know what feeds the trolls but you are right to ignore them. They serve no purpose whatsoever.
    You keep writing whatever comes to mind – we enjoy ’em all!
    I think I would have a hard time self-promoting. Wait. I did have trouble, back when I was a caterer! I might have a big mouth and be rather social but when it comes to tooting my own horn? Not so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Patricia says:

    Here’s my two cents; you are a most beautiful, extraordinary, woman, who loves to write and does so wonderfully. Keep on keepin’ on!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I like reading about your adventures in the big city. I know though what you mean by not wanting to self promote and feeling like you don’t have the knack to do it. In my opinion, as a humble hound, you don’t need to self promote. Your writing is wonderful to read and takes me to many different places in New York.

    I sometimes worry that what I write will attract the worst in social media society but I have yet to encounter the troll element on here. People tell me that my words are good and make them laugh or cry, but I still get this lack of self belief in my own ability to write something that people will find interesting.

    Anyway please continue to transport my mind to somewhere that is distant and interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Humility is so underrated, and too rare a quality these days.

      I hope you never have an unpleasant experience on social media. Writing is such a grace, and that can be enough…right? Thank you. You’re so nice.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. I too hope I do not have any unpleasant times on here or any other platforms. I try to be humble as I do not know everything, in fact far from it. Sometimes I wonder what I am doing here amongst some illustrious bloggers and writers and, no, this isn’t me trying to garner some reaction to stroke my ego. I prefer my ears to be stroked.

        Like

      • Oh Dexter, you’re the sweetest doggie. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Lynn says:

    I think you summed things up best in the very last few words of your post Susannah. You love to write. All of the trolls & social media haters in the world cannot talks away that love. Don’t give them once of your energy, just keep doing what you love.💕

    Like

  12. Yolanda says:

    Keep writing, Susannah. We love what you do!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. robprice59 says:

    Long may you maintain that love. It’s been many years but I still look forward to your output.

    Like

  14. It’s not fair that writers have to be self-promoters too, although I guess that’s the way of everything in life, not just writing. I’m terrible at that too, though trying to learn. Honestly, working in recruitment has helped with it a bit, just learning ways to get the word out there. Still, not that natural. We’s writas, not press agents.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Vipulkunwar says:

    Writers have many self doubts. We have to test every doubt.

    Liked by 1 person

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